Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
- “Angel”, Sarah McLachLan

The last few days have been pretty bad. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse… it does. Waking up, staying afloat and going through the day became a daily mission to be achieved with the tenacity of a war fought long and hard. If not for friends and gadgets to distract my attention from the endless hours, it would have been an even more arduous task.

Alas, I’ve been too engrossed in my own world to pay any attention to the details and intricacies of my friends’ lives. I’ve been making absent-minded comments that may or may not have any substance and agreeing to statements with the weary listlessness of someone who knows only too well how deceiving such simplistic extractions of life can be. But I listened nonetheless, being deeply grateful for their company and remembering to be thankful for those who would continue to hear out my neuroses, anxieties and psychosis.

Coming out of depression is such a difficult thing to do. I’ve felt like just letting go and drowning, sinking right to the bottom of the pit that is the morass of my life. Perhaps I dream it all up. Perhaps life is a lot less complicated than I make it out to be. However, irrespective of the substantial differences between reality and perception, my perception is my reality. And right now, it’s not looking very good.

Despite all this, I somehow managed to have an extremely pleasant evening on Saturday. It started with dinner at Shrooms, KLCC where we were sitting at a table by the window with a lovely view of the fountain and park. This was followed by a very nice and enjoyable concert given by the English Chamber Orchestra with Sarah Chang as “star” soloist in two works: Dvorak’s Romance in F Minor and Bruch’s Violin Concerto No. 1.

ASIDE: If you’ve previously read about my run-ins with the Dewan Filharmonik Petronas and are still interested in the matter, I’m afraid I’ve still not heard from the concert hall about their “policy” on bags - this despite the fact that it’s been more than a month since I last wrote to them. I did however receive an email from their General Manager, Mr Stephen Smith, acknowledging receipt of my faxes and assuring me that the matter would be discussed, although he disclaimed any responsibility over the issue. Alas, I must say that I found Mr Smith’s email to be rather impolite if not rude. The first paragraph from the email suffices to illustrate my point:

So… we’re one for one. “We” (being DFP/MPO) seem to have destroyed an evening (or two) for you. In return, you have gone a good distance towards wrecking my Monday morning.

But that was Saturday. Sunday has now come and gone and I still feel very overwhelmed by life and such. Honestly… I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I really don’t know how much longer I can hold up on my own… This is not just another bump on the road. And I don’t think it’s even just depression any more. I think I might have gone beyond that now…

Life bloody sucks sometimes and you have no choice but to go along with the ride. The question is whether you would be strong and courageous enough to float and surface again one day…

Another week. Further on down the road? Or just right back where you started? It isn’t always easy to tell. We can travel hundreds of miles and be in much the same terrain. Or we can step just a few feet, through a doorway to a different world. Your preferences and priorities will not just shape the next few days, they will influence the rest of your life. Pick the right goals, for the right reasons and there’s no reason why you can’t, now, make exactly the right progress.
- Cainer for the week.

This website did not change my life - though it did make me laugh a little - but I’m hoping this book will.

Posted on December 1st, 2003 by jl
Filed under: Life with a Heavy Heart