Relationships I: Men!
When I was a child, I thought that one day a man would come and sweep me off my feet. He would be tall, not necessarily dark but certainly handsome. He would be wise and witty. He would be charming and eloquent. But most of all, he would be strong, protective, loving and caring. He would be a real man. Not a boy. Not a child who wouldn’t grow up. Not a man who requires constant attention. Not a ditzy queen. But a real, big, buffed man.
As I grew up, I began to realise what a fallacious fantasy this was. This man did not exist. Or if he did, he was so deeply hidden in the haystack that I’d sooner find the needle before I found him. Instead, life yielded men who were in the closet and troubled; men who were married and were trouble; men who were in trouble and couldn’t fend for themselves let alone me. And then, there were men who were just plain trouble.
Then sometimes, you meet a man who asks for honesty and truth. A man who would offer a sincere relationship and expect the same. You talk, you get intimate, you discover and cultivate the chemistry, only to find out just as you’re about to cross the rubicon that he is no better than the rest: a coward, an idiot, a basket case and a master of dissimulation. You’ve been nice, kind and honest. But being nice and kind doesn’t get you into bed with anyone. In the gay world, being gym-fit and a bitch does.
The problem with men really is that they are men. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. They are insensitive, inconsiderate and in a world of their own. If they can help it, they’ll fuck your brains before they fuck you. There are days, and perhaps even weeks, when men being themselves are enough to drive a gay man straight.
And then you actually meet a nice guy. At least, so he appears on the first meet. He’s got a nice deep voice and a kind heart. He makes you laugh and remembers to send you SMSes when you’re down. But then, deep inside, you know that such good men don’t exist. A good man is an oxymoron. And this good man is straight and ostensibly unavailable.
So the cycle begins anew. You don’t learn from past mistakes because to do so would be depressing. To do so would suggest that there’s no hope in men and that we all ought to give up while we’re ahead. And that would not be good. That would take life out of the living.
Posted on February 20th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
Oh dear.
That last paragraph rings close. Too close perhaps. I think perhaps this line crosses any sexual boundaries the best:
“Being nice and kind doesn’t get you into bed with anyone.”
That’s true, no matter which way you swing. Have a good weekend, eh?
i agree wholeheartedly… good men don’t exist… but some do learn from their mistakes… most don’t…
forgot to add… if you can handle the depression… then you can learn from past mistakes… if you’re too depressed and continue dwelling on the past and can’t learn a thing from it… then learn to continue dreaming then… because some dreams do come true…
we just don’t learn..do we? Perhaps we are still hoping to find a good man which is quite difficult tho..but no harm in trying. Who knows we might be the lucky ones. Stay positive
I am shocked! I can’t believe the first two commentators were men! Straight ones too! At least, I think they are…!
Well… I give up. I’ve got to finally admit that what I am seeing is a bastard despite the better side of me wanting to believe otherwise… (this comment is tangentially related to the post, but if you don’t understand, just ignore it!).
Jikon: Yep. As the first commentator, I am also a straight guy, LoL. But some truths are just that: truths.
And the shitty thing about truths is, they always taste funny. What we choose to believe on the other hand, can taste like anything we want
Er. I’d better stop before my thoughts run away on this taste thing.
I have to say it too… I’m straight as well… hehehehe…
aiya… ash already ‘echo on’ my thoughts…
Damn Jikon… and here we girls thought you gay guys were hording the good men! So if YOU don’t have them and WE don’t have them… who does??!? And don’t you dare say they don’t exist!
No darling… they don’t exist. They really don’t!
There are perfect men. No one heard of Jesus or Buddha? Women and men the world over have sworn these guys are perfect.
Jikon … I dare say that most men don’t share the same ideologi as ur 2 ‘men’ in the inital comments. I’m sorry to have to break it to you that the 2 were probably women, diguising as men … or ‘genetically challenged’ men.
There r on the contrary many, good, honest & sensitive men who value kindness and friendship without the hate and bad attitudes those 2 were on about. Being a woman-lover who just had a DIY haircut last nite done in by a woman, i would also want to point out that the world is indeed a kind place .. n that it would be kind to you .. as you r to it. Chio bella.
This comment in response to Erik, Jikon. Edit at leisure:
Erik, I’m a straight guy and a realist. Check my blog (which I have generously provided a link to) and you’ll see. I understand my opinions may have been misconstrued as is only natural in electronic communications
BTW, Jikon knows who I am.
Hate and bad attitudes, eh? Interesting take, since anyone who knows me will attest to the fact I absolutely abhor hate against any sexual orientation or gender. My point was that for some people (at least the ones I’ve known) being all good and kind really doesn’t get them anywhere, regardless if they were male or female. What I’ve seen:
Good men who get put aside for bastards, good women who get put aside for selfish ones etc etc. If my opinions make it seem that I’m genetically challenged, then so be it. I accept the label. But as I said in my second post, nice, kind, and all that, though admirable, gets you between the sheets far SLOWER than if you’re a right bastard/bitch/what have you.
So I’m genetically challenged. I’m also honest about the realities of relationships in the 21st century. And I think, so is Jikon.
Our ‘Genetically Challenged’ friend has a right to his honest opinions of the realities of the 21st century ways.
I too have my modest opinion that we needn’t become ‘SlapStick Larry’ or ‘Mean Eddie’ to get laid .. Many men out there realise the fact that more women adore the ‘Adonis’ sweet guy approach, minus all the aggresiveness-pretencious bolony. Am i right women? eerr .. men? Remember, be as caring to the world as u want it to be to u .. n drive safely on the highways of carlifornia.
-carlifornia highway patrol
Relationships II: Marriage
At the rate that straight couples are getting divorced (the Census Bureau in the US estimated in 2002 that approximately 50% of marriages taking place right now that will eventually divorce, see here), why would anyone rush to get married?…
My ex was a really difficult man to be with. He was stubborn, inconsiderate, demanding, had a straying eye and lied pathologically. He had a good heart, but it wasn’t enough. So we split up.
Not long after, I met my current partner. A man who?s everything my ex isn’t. Tactile, completely honest, totally reliable, calls when he says he will, buys little presents spontaneously and adores me even on the worst of bad hair days.
I am appreciative.
I am comfortable.
I am bored.
the first criteria of a good men, I think he has to be someone that is very honest with himself.. do you think we can find one.. maybe we can.. but are we looking for good men or are we looking for knight in shining armour from one of those fairy tales that we still holding onto..