Relationships II: Marriage
At the rate that straight couples are getting divorced (the Census Bureau in the US estimated in 2002 that approximately 50% of marriages taking place right now that will eventually divorce, see here), why would anyone rush to get married? Yet in the last two weeks, thousands have flocked to City Hall in San Francisco to do just that. And these are no “ordinary” couples - they’re homosexual couples. Yes, that means gays and lesbians, the very sort of people who for years have fought against traditions and accepted social practices. The very people who for years have defended and glorified their differences. And what do they do? They’re all but turning around and embracing the very practice that have legally shackled many a straight individual in unhappy relationships.
So, yes, why? Why are homosexuals so eager to embrace this legal practice and status of “marriage”? Is this another form of protest to demand equal treatment, perverted as it may seem to me? Or are homosexuals so eager to be accepted by mainstream society that they will embrace just about anything to achieve that aim? Or is everyone jumping on one of those frenzy of a fad that sounds very good when you’re high, but will appear as a very, very bad mistake in the light of morning?
Or is there really substantially more to it? I mean, why would individuals who have battled with being “different” and “distinct”, for most of their lives, want to embrace one of straight society’s oldest institutions that even members of that very straight society are not hesitating to bail out of when the going gets rough (and according to statistics, things are going rough very often and frequently)?!? What is more important to these gay men and lesbians - being married or being treated equally?
The San Francisco mayor, Gavin Newsom, who jump-started this latest development claims it is the “right” thing to do. He described “his motives as pure and principled and grounded in guarantees of equality in the state’s Constitution.” And he waxes philosophical saying that “there are certain principles in life that transcend patience, and one of them to me is the obligation not to discriminate against people.” In short, equal treatment. (see this report in the IHT).
But for some, being treated equally is not enough, otherwise, a civil union, properly conceived, should be sufficient. In a report on an Asian gay portal, Jason Woo argues, in a manner that would have made Carrie of Sex and the City proud, that a civil union is “nothing but a cheap gaudy imitation of the real deal. As much as you would spot a faux Made-in-China Fendi bag a mile away, civil union should raise your bells and whistles and red signals.” For him, it’s marriage and nothing else, and it’s not just a matter of semantics: “words and terms have much greater social significance than they superficially seem. By the very simple act of naming, you lay claim and possession of that object, person, ideology, or that institution. If gays and lesbians can’t even call a marriage ‘marriage,’ what exactly can we claim then?” And therein, activism shines through bright and clear… (see this report on Fridae.com)
But in reality, the distinctions are less clear. In almost all reports I have heard or read so far about the gay marriages in San Francisco, being married is treated as a proxy for equal treatment. I have yet to read an account in which the two are recognised as distinct concepts and phenomena and in which the idea of civil unions are discussed as a viable alternative, not just for homosexuals but also heterosexuals. At this stage of our modern era, many of us have started questioning the role - and the relevance - of marriage in contemporary life (see this report). For homosexuals to now embrace “marriage” as opposed to “equal treatment under the law for committed long-term relationships” is almost analogous to men now asking to be treated as women were treated in the Victorian era. It is regressive of our social development and mores.
That said, in a world where 50% (alright, I recognise that I’m recklessly extrapolating from statistics for a particular society) of marriages end in divorce, the aberration is not that same sex couples are getting married. The aberration is that they want to get married at all. That anyone wants to commit to a long term relationship in this day with all the attending personal, familial, social, and professional expectations and challenges should not only be lauded, but also supported. Whether they are hetero- or homosexual. As Mayor Newsom said, “Come out and meet with the three-plus thousand couples that have committed themselves to one another, committed to a long-term, loving relationship with equal status … . And recognize the spirit and the pride that comes with that.“
Posted on February 26th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
we should ask those homosexuals who looks to being married as being treated equal, what do they think of marriage?
what they think of marriage and how they feel about marriage should be their priority than to think ‘if straights can get married, why not us?’.
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Hear, hear.
I liked your last paragraph the most. Anyone who’s brave enough to enter the always complicated world of matrimony, fully aware of what’s in store (which can often be hurt and pain) deserves an accolade. Who cares if they’re gay or straight? The responsibilities are the same.
In the end, IMO it’s for the feeling of belonging to something, even when it’s as tenuous as a civil license. That bond to society, no matter how fragile always seems to make us feel better.
I’m no sociologist, but perhaps they think a little acceptance is better than none at all.
Though morally incorrect, n socially frowned upon, gay marriages r becoming a norm in society, especially in cities where they’ve legalized it, like in SF. Gays r jumping at it, for tax breaks .. definately.
Did u hear that Bush is Outlawing the ‘gay marriage’ constitution? But Dick Chainney’s daughter is a known gay …
Doesn’t matter by me. Gay or not, its their choice and their decision for them to commit their lives officially in that way. Who are we to say that they should stop whatever they wish to do? It doesn’t harm us, it doesn’t cause a cataclysmic reaction that will spin the earth out of its orbit and fling us to the cold depths of space. It’s just two people being in love (whether or not that love is true or not that’s another point) and trying to live their lives as normal as possible without much scrutiny from people.
Lets just accept them as who they are. Doesn’t hurt you know…
Lucia: you seem to imply that some gay couples want to marry for political reasons only, to be on equal footing with their heterosexual counterparts, which isn’t a good reason for them to get married. If I haven’t misinterpreted your words, I don’t think this is something we can assume because it’s not just a “gay” thing; marrying for the wrong reasons is universal.
I have always had the impression that somehow, for some strange reason, homosexual couples have better relationships that their heterosexual counterparts. The only logical conclusion (a product of my own limited views) that I can come up with so far seems to be that a lot of gay couples have to “fight” for the right to be together - usually against society’s views and/or prejudices. And perhaps this is the very reason that gay couples seem to value their relationships more as compared to a society-sanctioned, hetero couple.
As for gay marriages, could it be that perhaps gays no longer want to assert their “uniqueness” or “difference” but that they want to be acknowledged and accepted to be just like everyone else? Or could it be a message to hetero couples that gays can do better?
C3PO: I think it’s a little crass to assume that gays are marrying for tax breaks. It’s as crass as assuming that straight couples marry for the same reason.
spit: … hmmm… I honestly doubt homosexual couples have “better” relationships. More intense ones certainly (partially as a result of having to “bond together” against the “big bad world” out there). More importantly, I have yet to see any gay couple who value their relationships more than comparable straight ones. If at all, it’s the opposite…
On your second paragraph, well, that’s the big irony, isn’t it? Striving to assert their differences but simultaneously wanting to embrace the very practices, culture and habits that define the “other”.
Let’s look at the fundamentals here. There’s a change in the way marriage is viewed, no doubt. No longer just as a means of procreation, the (post)modern view is that marriage is to commit yourself to your partner. Wait, that sounds like a contract, but hell yeah, why not? A marriage license guarantees your lover will have equal rights, say and significant part in your life whenever something important happens. Death, hospitalisation and medical decisions are just some of the practical reasons.
You don’t need marriage to say you love someone, but it just proves the commitment is deeper than our 3-second attention span allows. I don’t think homosexuals view marriage lightly, I think those who did get married view it very seriously and are prepared to take that extra step. The fact that it is an extra and totally unnecessary step makes it that much sweeter.
I was a cynic before as well, but looking at this couple’s marriage pics, I slowly changed my mind. http://homepage.mac.com/xpan/
Okay, will step off my soapbox now….
Well, I think it’s all wonderful… even though I’m not the “marrying kind”! It’s another option for those who want it and they shouldn’t be denied it. Another thought that initially came to my mind was “there’s nowt as queer as folk” as they say up North here
Finally Jikon, congratulations for talking about the mayor of SF without referring to how cute he is… the fact he’s so “right on” just adds to it all!
TTFN
Mike x
shryh, yes, marrying for the wrong reason is universal… you said it, i knew about it… and if you said it out… it is universal… which means to say of course it happens to gays too, so why can’t i say what i said? politics never crossed my mind at all when i mentioned that. i would have said this to heterosexuals too who are not so sure about marriage.
since this thread is about gays marriage, so i said it out that if gays wants to marry, and they have the right reasons to do it, sure go ahead.