Well.. maybe it’s time to be clear about who I am.

And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite,
in this lovely hotel,
in Paris.
- Sex and the City, Season 6, Episode 20

We’re all being brainwashed. From the day we were born until our very last breath. When we read, when we watch telly, when we shop. In almost every socio-cultural activity, we’re being socialised, either directly or indirectly, consciously or otherwise, to believe in the ultimate goal of life - finding a dream partner and living happily ever after.

In the fantasies that we’ve all been lead to believe, there is no separation. There is no divorce. There are no arguments or disagreements. There are no nappies to change, no laundry to pick up, no roofs to mend. Love is not lost. And passion never dies. Life, the ultimate life, is perfect. It is not just rosy. It is every colour of the rainbow.

From childhood on, we’ve all been duped into believing in the happily ever after. We’ve signed up to the idea that life without the ultimate romantic, over the top, gushy-mushy love, is not life. And a relationship that does not survive until death do you part, is not a relationship. We’ve all conveniently forgotten that relationships are frequently monotonous, rational, unexciting and pragmatic. Not to mention difficult, messy, painful and full of friction - and not only of the sexual kind.

Well… I don’t believe in that anymore.

I don’t believe in relationships for life anymore, however imperfect. Instead of holding out for that illusive “right relationship”, I’m slowly coming round to the idea of temporal ones - those that are “right” for me, for right now.

You see, in our deluded world, when something goes wrong with a relationship, the first conclusion is that there must be something wrong with you, your partner or the two of you being together. Fingers are automatically pointed at the individuals involved in the relationship. Practically no one seems to question the idea of the relationship at all. The concept of “relationships” is never undermined but the individuals frequently are. We rarely question our ideas of relationships, but we always ask “what’s wrong with you/him/her/the two of you”.

In the early 21st century, I’m not so sure that long term relationships of the “till death do us part” variety are any more consistent with the philosophies or desires that now guide our capitalist, consumerist, and very egocentric lives. Furthermore, personal, familial, social, and professional expectations and challenges in the modern world no longer make it possible to meet these demands as well as those of our relationships. As individuals and our relationships develop and change over time, inconsistencies will crop up - and some things have got to give at some stage. In our disposable, renewable and recyclable world, relationships should rightly also be short term in nature.

So. Serial monogamy. That’s the way to go. A series of essentially short-term relationships that are monogamous for as long as that relationship survives. And the relationship will survive for as long as it is mutually convenient, beneficial, and enjoyable to both parties. When the relationship no longer serves either, we pack up and go our separate ways. And we start all over with someone else who might meet our (changed) needs better, thereby resuscitating that emotional, psychological high that accompanies relationships at their very best. No dramas. No fighting. No betrayed trusts or frustrations. Instead - hopefully - pure, sustained highs.

It’s not that perfect relationships don’t exist at all. I’m sure there are one, two… or maybe even three in a million out there. But given the probability… give up while you’re ahead. If you’re so blessed and lucky as to have stumbled onto one, good on you. The rest of us will unfortunately have to contend with the realities of life. Instead of pining for that illusive dream, or living through a nightmare of an imperfect one, love someone when you can and say goodbye when it no longer serves your needs. Embrace the fact that you’re not likely to find a perfect someone for a perfect relationship that will take you to your grave. Instead, realise that whoever you meet now might be good for you now, but that you will have to one day go your separate ways when you are not no longer right for each other. Realise that the world changes. And that individuals change along with it. Our needs, priorities, and desires now may not be the same tomorrow. Acknowledge, therefore, that relationships are no longer necessarily for life. Because relationships, like individuals, are organic - they grow and change. And they die.

When you’re young, you may be able to afford to dream and hope that Prince or Princess Charming will come and sweep you off your feet. But as you get older, you recognise it for the delusion that it really is. And instead of surrendering to the outmoded concept of relationships and tying yourself through what will eventually, and perhaps inevitably, become an unhappy partnership for life, junk the idea and embrace serial monogamy.

Long live relationships that are right for me, for right now!

Posted on March 19th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal