Relationships V: Reclaiming yourself
The problem with “looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love” is precisely that: they consume you. They take over your very being at the most intense level for what seems like the longest time only to leave you dry and whithered, worse for wear and drained of emotions shortly after. They swallow what was there, masticate your spirit and soul before spitting you out, transformed into something totally unrecognisable.
Crawling out of one of these relationships, whimpering out of a dogged and tempestuous existence, I find I no longer recognise myself. What was there, no longer is. What there is, is unfamiliar and foreign. Emerging from the tyranny of paradise on earth, I long to rekindle myself with the flames of old. I long to rediscover that spark that was me before and to find the identity that was “truly me”.
But that, is the hardest thing about coming out of a “consuming, can’t live without each other love”: reclaiming yourself. After a trip to “can’t live without you” land, you forget who you were or what you were about. After consuming a passionate, over-the-top love, it consumes you. It eats you up, burns your every fibre, worth and being before leaving an excrement that is only a shadow of what was. After crawling out of an oasis of decadence and luxury you face a barren dessert under the glaring light of a scorching sun - a light so bright that it illuminates the poverty of you and all that no longer is.
And that, is the biggest challenge: remembering who you were and truly are. Not as one half of an entity but as yourself. On your own. Standing on your own feet. Again. As you did before. With a name. An identity. A life. A value in and of itself. One to be cherished.
The act of reclaiming yourself is arduous, fraught with challenges and setbacks. It’s never easy and most certainly not unilinear. I am overcome by emotions and obstacles every step of the way. One day I may make it, but today, I am trudging, unsuccessfully, through a mire.
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.
There are those that open you up to something new and exotic;
those that are old and familiar;
those that bring up lots of questions;
those that bring you somewhere unexpected;
those that bring you far from where you started; and
those that that bring you back.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all, is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the “you” you love… well… that’s just fabulous!
- Sex and the City, the absolute final episode!
Posted on April 7th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Jikon. I especially like the part at the end. Reclaiming ourselves is a shitty job that can only be done properly alone, and unfortunately I’m also on the same path.
One step at a day, I tell myself. But then again I tell myself lots of things.
I disagree with you, Ash. Sometimes, even when you’re part of a couple, new experiences and situations can lead you to “re-discover” (or discover?) yourself. Of course, the discovery usually takes place when you are separate from one another, but it doesn’t make the inner realisation less significant.
On moving off from being part of a couple, it’s always painful (yes, I CAN feel the pain). Sometimes the ache is such you feel your heart must be physically shattering. But time does heal…even though the scars will stay.
Wow!
10 days and no new posts. This is probably a good sign (that you’re out and being happy and too busy to write!)
I hope you’ve some good news for us soon!
Rob