This has been a long weekend. I didn’t count on the weekend taking its toll on me. I should have. It was obvious. A no brainer. But I didn’t. I was lulled by the relatively good week I had. I was distracted by being busy all week. And then the weekend came. I’m only glad it’s almost over.

This could have been a bad post. A depressing one - after all, this is JikonLai.com. But then, while distracting myself on the internet, hoping that someone would call and take me out to dinner, I started reading this blog.

I’ve had him, the blog I mean, on a link list for the longest time, but I never got round to reading it “properly”. “Things” got in the way. “Things” always get in the way. But this evening, I finally took my time and gave it the attention it deserves. OK, I was bored. And I needed distraction badly. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that this blog is good. Very good. Well, in my books it is.

He writes beautifully. Lyrically. It took me a while to sink into the rhythm of his words, but when I did, I was completely mesmerised by the rhythm, the beauty and the wonderful colours his writing evokes in my mind.

OK. I’m exagerrating a bit … but he does have a way with words.

Here are a couple of quotes I loved:

The young turk was talking / About living life in strange places / Dipping deep, coming out new / The young turk was talking / And I thought / You don’t [know] that much about life do you? / If you think it lies outside the door / And over the horizon / Talking / To himself / While the world / Tries to talk to him / Ignoramus

I never thought I knew so many straight people in my life, or at least people dysfunctional enough to contemplate marrying each other.

And this entire post is just lovely. So are the his pictures.

Caveat: I do not know the blogger. I don’t even know his name. But isn’t that one of the nicest things about the virtual world, that you can stumble on people and find that you like them without prejudice to their looks, race, age, sex, or origins?

And you must admit, this is nicer than a depressing blog post.

Posted on August 22nd, 2004 by jl
Filed under: lost blah blah | 4 Comments »

Remember my Bloglines account?

Well… I’m afraid my list of things to read has just grown and grown and grown in the last couple of weeks. I’ve not really been reading new blog posts, nor catching up on news (both serious and frivolous). In fact, I’ve hardly touched any of the tech updates that I used to go goo-goo ga-ga over.

So, today, I thought I’d clear some of that long “unread” list. Here are the highlights:

• some useful, though not earth shattering, tips on public speaking;
• I was happy to read that the gap year is still held in high esteem in the UK, provided it is “well” spent;
• even cartoons have gay people, ah… bless them;
• I discovered a new food blog that is apparently very popular and famous;
• I love British humour and satire, and the American… God bless them;
• another married man turns out to be gay, how surprising… and here’s a slightly different take on gay marriages;
• I was completely pique by this AP report on “city blogs” which appeared in Malaysia’s Star’s In-Tech yesterday. I’m convinced a similar effort for Kuala Lumpur is possible, is desirable and would be popularly received.

Here’s the shocker.

I was very disturbed to read that the Malaysian authorities are persecuting two students for possession of pirated DVDs. All 447 of them. (story here). The authorities have been trying to be rather aggressive in persecuting the sellers of pirated material, but this is the first I’ve heard of individuals being charged in court for possession. And these are poor students no less.

What is unclear to me is where the threshold lies before the authorities deem the case worthy of their efforts in persecuting. Are 447 DVDs considered too many? What about 300? Or 200? How about 10?

I’m also curious to know why the authorities are persecuting poor college students who in all probability wouldn’t have the funds/means to pay the fine when I’m almost certain they could easily have found more wealthy individuals who also possess an equal amount, if not more, of pirated material.

I’m certain that this action is meant to set an example of sorts… but ouch! what a way to go…

And that, I think would be enough for the day.

Posted on August 20th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: lost blah blah | 3 Comments »

What can I blog about after all that?
What can I say that wouldn’t negate my feelings, especially the pain (however much now subdued) that I feel, but that wouldn’t simultaneously alienate others with its depth of darkness and depression?
Where do I go from here?
Where can I go?

I think I’m suffering from a series of overdoses at the moment. I’ve been working quite hard this past week as a way to fill the quiet moments and long hours. I’ve been spending a lot of time in front of the computer and in the virtual world, so much so, that I reckon I’ve spent at least two-thirds of my waking hours in front of a computer screen this past two weeks. I’ve not really been eating but at the same time I feel that I’ve been spending far too much on expensive cafes and restaurants.

On and on it goes.
A series of overdoses in various forms and guises.

I think I need to get away from it all. I think I need some quiet time and space by myself for a while. To take stock. Just so till I find a balance, any balance, in my life again.

I’ve moved on from the wreck that I was last week. But I’m far from having picked up all the pieces yet. That will come, soon enough.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but try and find solace in the one source that has rarely, though not never, failed me. Some of you would disapprove, not that I care, but trust me, I couldn’t resist. I bought a one-year reading from Cainer for USD29.99.

In 2001, I bought a more general report from Cainer, the “Personal Profile Plus”, but this one, the “Year Ahead” report is so much better. It’s a very detailed document - mine runs to 78 pages long! - which you can download in PDF format after paying for it. The report is to a large extent tailor-made for each of his clients - he needs your date, time and place of birth - all the planetary forces that will come into play in your life in the year ahead is detailed in the document.

Before you go all prissy and holy about there not being such things as “fate”, or “destiny”, or that “we control our own lives” and that we wouldn’t believe in this hocus-pocus etc., let me point out that both I and Cainer aren’t complete disbelievers of human agency. Let me quote a few paragraphs from the cover of the report:

I believe the whole purpose of having a chart drawn up is to put you in a position of greater choice. If you have got a ?weak? planetary force pushing you in one direction - and a ?strong? one pulling you in another, you DON?T have to go with strong one. You can ?tune in? to the potential of the weaker signal - just as you can tune in to the signal of a faint radio station with a little determination. If the program being broadcast is worth striving to hear, you can ?catch it?… as long as you are aware that it is actually there to be found.

The strong signals, you will have no difficulty recognising. If you like them, just make the most of them. If you don?t, make an effort to ?draw in? the weaker but more attractive ones instead. You will find you CAN get them… loud and clear.

Never forget that you have a choice about what happens in your world. If you want to be happier, you can be… regardless of what it going on in the sky. Likewise, if you are really determined enough to give yourself a hard time, you can probably manage it no matter how bright the astrological influences are!!!

And that is why I like him.

Posted on August 20th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 6 Comments »

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes.
I appreciate them.

I haven’t off-ed myself yet. Though at the rate I’m (not) eating, I might as well be committing a slow harakiri. The meals I had yesterday were: a MYR2 nasi lemak for breakfast, a brownie with ice-cream for lunch and a Crispy Prawn Burger from McDonald’s for dinner (no fries). I weighed myself this morning: 47 kgs. I must have lost a couple of inches off my waist in the last couple of weeks - all my trousers feel a lot looser.

Every day is a world unto itself. I wake up wondering what the next 16-18 hours will bring. Before getting out of bed, I GPRS to Cainer.com looking for clues, hoping that he dangles a carrot and promises a good day. Going to work is not the difficult part. The difficult part is staying sane, keeping my mind on the straight and narrow and trying not to lose the plot. The hours after lunch are the worse - as the working day ends and the shadows of the night start creeping in, so do my doubts and fear, chasing out all confidence and optimism. Keeping my mind on the singular idea of breathing is more difficult than is generally thought. As the day wears on, so does my spirit and energy. Exhaustion is a dangerous and insidious inward-facing weapon that can drive you over the edge. When midnight comes, I go to sleep, too grateful that the day is finally over. I wonder only when my life would be too.

I think I’ve overcome the emotional and intellectual hurdle. I’m growing to accept the situation. I can’t change what wouldn’t be changed. I’m now moving on to making the best of the circumstances in which I find myself. That, I’m afraid, is no less traumatising. But it is a way forward and it is all I can really do.

I don’t ask questions anymore. I fear where they might lead me. Instead I wallow in my emotions and let them take over. Far better that way than to think that I can control where life takes me. But I don’t cry. I try not to.

Deep down inside, I’m afraid. I’ve given so much of myself in the past eight years, not only am I worn out, but I fear that the wound will cut too deeply. “The first cut is the deepest…,” so they sang. I’m trying hard to salvage myself. I want to emerge out of this scathed, but not scarred. I want to preserve all that is good and pure that is me, all the characteristics and quirkiness that make up who I truly am. I do not want to one day find a stranger staring back at me in the mirror. Nevertheless, I know that no matter what I do, nor however hard I try, “I’ll never love this way again…”

I don’t seem to know how I am except bad. There’s nothing there but anger and something scary all the time. I don’t want to get bitter because it will ruin my looks.
- Janice Galloway, “The Trick is to Keep Breathing“

Posted on August 17th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 2 Comments »

I can’t remember the last week with any clarity.

They never give you any warning.
- Janice Galloway, “The Trick is to Keep Breathing”

There’s nothing left to say. I’ve said it all already in many different ways, to many different people, hoping somehow the message will get to him.

I haven’t stopped crying yet, but I think I’m stabilising, albeit slowly. “Acceptance” is a horrible word, but I think I’ll get there soon enough.

I had a permanent furrow at the top of the bridge between my nose. It was like a shade blocking out the light from my eyes. That’s receding back from where it came.

I had a knot in my stomach that was so physically present I could have reached in and pulled out a mesh of wire. That’s now become more of a ball of knitting yarn.

But my pain is manifesting itself physically in other ways. I’ve lost a bit of weight and I’ve detected the onset of facial breakout.

I’ve stopped questioning the situation. I’m trying not to wonder about the what-ifs and how-abouts. After a while, I think even the best of us have to recognise a brick wall when we keeping banging our heads into one.

I’m reading Janice Galloway’s “The Trick is to Keep Breathing“. I’m not sure if this is an appropriate book to be reading at this point in time. Hers is a story about a woman who has lost her husband to death. Sometimes, separating from a partner after a long-term relationship can feel very much the same.

However perverted as it sounds, it is comforting to know that what I am going through emotionally is not unique. It is comforting to know that this is “normal”. Reading Galloway’s book, I am reminded that the fine line between sanity and the other side, is the precarious balance achieved in working through your grief.

Meanwhile, the best that I can do is to empty my mind and force out all thought. I’m finding solace in menial tasks like ironing and cleaning the house, even if it’s no longer home. I try to read, but half the time, I find myself staring at the light through the window. People say I shouldn’t be alone, but I find more peace in the stillness of my solitude in an empty room. And through it all, I’m trying to learn how to keep breathing.

Posted on August 13th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 6 Comments »