I’ve been pondering about something a friend of mine has been telling me…

A certain young lady who used to maintain a certain Malaysiana Digest has been (enthusiastically) expounding a new “phenomenon” (repeatedly) - the idea of degrees of sex-peration, i.e. how many people are “related” to you by virtue of sexual relations among your network of acquaintances? For example, if I had sex with A, and A had sex with B, and B had sex with C and D, then there’s one degree of sex-peration between A and I and three degrees of sex-peration between C and D and I.

This got me thinking… considering that gay men are generally very active sexually, I could potentially be closely “related” with quite a number of people. More importantly, considering that several of my previous lovers have slept with individuals of both sexes, there could, for all I know, only be a few degrees of sex-peration between this young lady friend of mine and I! Which got me thinking about the exchange of fluids and the very grotesque idea that someone who could have been in her, would then have been in me…. eerrruuurghhh!!!!!!! how gross!!!!! so tidak!

But seriously, if there were such a thing as a Fuckster, how many “fuck buddies” I would have in my circle? How many people would be related to me by virtue of the exchange of sexual fluids? How intimate have I become with the world around me?

And how scary would that knowledge be…??!!??
Do I really want to know??

Posted on September 29th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: lost blah blah | 31 Comments »

Referring back to this post, yes, I bought the Dell Inspiron 700m (instead of the IBM X31) in the end.

Firstly, don’t ask why I needed/wanted a notebook. Considering what was happening in my life and the frame of mind I was in at that time, why I needed/wanted a notebook was not the question to ask. What buying a MYR6000 gadget would do for my psychological and emotional well-being was the more pertinent question.

But why did I choose the Dell over the IBM X31, despite the overwhelming support for the IBM among my commentators?

(1) In terms of aesthetics and design, the IBM is, to me, a better looking machine. I prefer the all-black look than the white, silver and black of the Dell. But this is very subjective and a superficial criteria.

(2) In terms of portability there wasn’t much of a choice between the two. Both were almost similar in weight and size - the differences were very marginal (in the IBM’s favour).

(3) If I wanted the IBM X31, I would have had to travel down to Singapore (by a certain tight deadline, now come and gone, in order to take advantage of a sale offer) to buy it as the X31 is no longer available in Malaysia. Considering all that was going on around me at that time, it was asking too much of my body and spirit squeezing a trip down.

(4) Comparing specifications, the Dell is a more powerful machine. ’nuff said.

(5) Overall, the Dell is a better multimedia machine - it has better screen resolution than the IBM X31. With its wide-screen format, the Dell is more suited for watching films. The IBM is designed to be a work-horse - not a fun machine. The X31’s screen is just your average standard screen. Nothing terribly exciting. Considering that I will be watching a LOT of DVDs on the notebook in the coming days and months, and that there’s a high possibility that this will be my primary entertainment system for a few years, the Dell won out on this count.

(6) The Dell was cheaper.

(7) I had the option of financing the purchase of the Dell with 0% interest payment plan over 12-months with either Citibank or Maybank.

On balance, Dell was the way to go. The only thing that the IBM had got going for it was their built-quality, their data-protection system and their “glorious” reputation. Sadly, not enough to sway me at this point in time.

So… how is the Dell then?

Posted on September 26th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

It’s been so long since I’ve really blogged that I don’t quite know how to begin, or what to blog about anymore.

I should first thank the readers of this blog, the very “many” of you, for bearing with me this past month - I know it gets very tiring reading sad, depressing, self-centred stories over and over again. I also appreciate all your words of encouragement and strength - the fact that you cared enough to take the time and effort to leave a comment behind meant a lot to me although I couldn’t find the energy to respond to them.

I’m not sure if I really am out of the woods yet. But at least, I am emerging from my shell and immersing myself back into “life”, whatever that is now. I am certainly not “finished” with Andrew yet - it will be a while before that end comes - but I am beginning to move on. My heart has finally caught up with my brain and they are both slowly synchronising in direction and intent.

There are still a lot of unverbalised and unacknowledged dynamics and observations behind this entire episode, both directly and indirectly concerning my now failed relationship. I know I will revisit them one day, but meanwhile, I’m sweeping them under the carpet - it’s easier to move on that way. One day, when I am stronger, when circumstances have changed, when it no longer hurts and when bitterness recedes, I hope I may, I will be able to talk about them more objectively.

Sun Conjuncts Pluto
You will first start to notice the effects of this transit around 21st September 2004. You will continue to experience this influence until 23rd September 2004 after which time it will rapidly diminish.
The current astrological outlook explains the sensitivity, vulnerability and emotional volatility that you?re experiencing. It also points to an ability to be exceptionally intuitive. If you can get past your fear, your guilt and your tendency to feel panic stricken or needy, you will notice that you?re also hearing another message from a place deep within yourself. A part of you now knows, instinctively, what to choose with regard to a key dilemma. Listen carefully and respond emphatically. This will be a poignant time, full of tender moments - some of which make you feel a little vulnerable and unprotected. Feel whatever you feel - but don?t bother feeling any guilt, shame, embarrassment or fear. All is as it should be. In discovering your own sensitivity, you are discovering a point of inner strength not weakness. You are understanding more about who you truly are and what you truly need. That can only help to ensure a more fruitful future.
- from my personalised Cainer reading

Posted on September 25th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 6 Comments »

…one day, something clicks, and everything is alright. the clouds may not have lifted, but at least it has stopped raining. the stresses of the past weeks disappear and you know you will be fine. you start to think about tomorrow again. and things are as they should be.

Posted on September 23rd, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 5 Comments »

I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t had the heart. There hasn’t been anything I want to say that would mean anything, have any effect, or be of any interest to anyone.

The last week and a half has gone by in a chaotic swirl. I’ve had quite a bit of work at the office. The Dell 700m was delivered and I’ve been distracting myself by configuring the notebook. I’ve been staying out till late, avoiding going back to where I am (temporarily) living.

But I’m doing much “better”. I am coping and managing. At least I appear “normal” when I put my mind to it. I can temporarily put on my courteous smile and grin through 4-hours of social tedium before going back to zoning out and forgetting that I exist.

I’m still taking the happy pills. But it’s uncertain whether it’s the pills or time that’s changing my outlook. I think I’ve moved through a transitionary period in the last two weeks. I think I’ve just come out of the shock phase and have now entered the period of grief. I think I’ve moved through rejection to acceptance and I’m finally really, really weeping.

I’ve been compiling a playlist of songs to represent the almost eight-years of our relationship - happy tunes, sad songs, meaningful ones. I haven’t really dared listen to it before, but I’ve started to do so now. I’m now basking in the hurt of the wound and not reacting in a spasm. But hurt is also slowly turning to anger…

I don’t know what I am saying. I’m writing this off the cuff. It’s midnight and I’m tired. I need to sleep.

Posted on September 21st, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 2 Comments »