remembering
I think my body is adjusting to the sertraline. I’m still yawning for most of the morning, but not as much as before. The slightly zombied state of mind still persists until the afternoon but appear to wear off earlier than before. But my neck and shoulders still feel stiff - the muscles appear to be contracting, as if in a minor spasm. I hope this is “normal”.
What is definitely not “normal” was this ache I had in the lower back of my head last night. It started late in the evening at about 20H. As I had been feeling a little cold since the afternoon and was for some unexplained reason very, very tired, I decided to go to bed at 21H. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, that throbbing ache at the back of my head was still with me. It’s not the sort of “normal” headaches that I’ve experienced in the past. It’s something else altogether. It was very localised and really throbbing. Fortunately, it sort of went away after a short while.
I checked the internet on sertraline again and read that among its side-effects are:
The most common side effects of sertraline are sleepiness, nervousness, insomnia, dizziness, nausea, tremor, skin rash, upset stomach, loss of appetite, headache, diarrhea, abnormal ejaculation, dry mouth and weight loss. Important side effects are irregular heartbeats, allergic reactions and activation of mania in patients with bipolar disorder.
hmmm… I have some of those.
I also appear to have regained my appetite. That could be a side-effect of the drug, or it could be me getting back into the swing of life again. I think I’m still traumatised by the separation, but I don’t seem to be crying (as much) anymore. I do have mood swings, but in some ways that’s “better” than being in anguish and shock the whole time. Coincidentally, I have been given additional tasks at work this week, but I am managing if at a slow-motion pace. And I’m slowly trying to be interested in other people’s blogs again though it will be a while until I’m interested in life in general again.
I realise this blog is descending into a very self-serving, self-centred journal/diary. There have been arguments both for and against such blogs with no conclusive outcome. I don’t particularly want JikonLai.com to turn into such a blog, but at this point in time, this is all I can think about. But more importantly, this writing serves a particular purpose - I want to remember. I want to remember everything I’m going through, what I feel, what I think and how I am coping. I want to remember because just as loving someone opens you up to being hurt, it also gives you the power to hurt. I want to remember because no one should hurt like this. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone like this … again.
The situation you find yourself in was one that i had put someone else in. It’s been almost two years and i still punish myself by wondering each day how she is and regretting the pain i caused her. All that you have blogged on your feelings in the aftermath…I’m sure she shares/d. I hope your ex is reading your blog. As the dump-er, it serves as a reality check for the raw pain that one decision can inflict, no matter how rational and justified the reasoning.
- from a reader
Posted on September 9th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
Jikon, I have a suggestion for you. Why don’t you read the papers today and see the sufferings of other human beings in other parts of the world. Why don’t you look at the front page of today’s Star and see the photograph of the man carrying the little girl, whose flesh is exposed raw, a victim of the car bomb in Jkt.
Maybe you will realise how blessed you truly are. You have so much that others don’t. And here you are, everything is about you. I, I, I….
JustMe: wasn’t that just a tad unfair? i think Jikon is perfectly entitled to air his feelings where and to whom he wishes to. granted, other people are in a worse off position. that doesn’t mean that he is insensitive to the sufferings of others, though.
Jikon: everything will be allright. i was in a similar position as you are in last year. trust me, it’s not easy to break away from the vicious cycle. but with the grace of God and a great support system of friends, i got through it! so i bet you can as well. *hugs*
JustMe, why don’t you go read the star instead of coming here if you’re happier doing that? and do remember to pick up a copy of the star whenever woe and misery be upon you, i’m sure it’ll provide you much comfort.
indeed. how much more insensitive can you get, JustMe.
and if you’d bothered to READ the post before commenting mindlessly, you’d realise that jikon himself acknowledges that the current purpose of the blog may be more self-serving than desired, but hey, if this helps him feel better, isnt that a good thing?
jikon, i wish you a peaceful weekend.
remember… and when the time is right and you are on the way to healing, remember to let yourself move on. YOU deserve to be happy too.
aiya so simple, justme. this blog belongs to jikon so of course everything (well almost) is about him… on i, i, i, i. what’s wrong with that? different bloggers blogs on different things. if you wanna read stuffs like how the russian children suffer, no transparency in the gomen and so on, then go to other blogs. if you come to jikon’s blog, be prepared to read about whatever he wants to voice out, with no criticism.