ok. not ok.
Just when you think you’ve gone through the worst, you find a lower level to sink into.
I felt absolutely suicidal yesterday. I don’t know why but all of a sudden everything just felt really bad. My stomach churned all day. My head kept filling up with lyrics from Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” - a song that he used to sing to me over the telephone. I felt like dropping to my knees and giving up. I had to struggle through the work day and that heavy, nagging, sinking feeling dogged me until the very end.
As I emerged from the office at the end of a long week, I just felt like crying. I felt like crawling into the darkest hole, far from anyone’s reach, and bawling my heart out. Instead, I ended up spending the evening with some friends over tea and kuih. I must have come across like a zombie to them - staring into space, hardly saying a word, not really listening to the conversation and not knowing why I was even there. It took a while before I was the least bit interested in what was going on around the table, but by then I was far too tired to bother anymore.
And then today, I seem to be “normal” again. I’ve miraculously managed to get through the day without any emotional drama and I think I’ll survive the last couple of hours before going to sleep. I puttered about all day and distracted myself. While I still stare into space on the odd occassion, you’d hardly think there was anything wrong with me. Today, at least. God only knows what tomorrow will bring…
There are moments when I think I’m paying some sort of karmic penance. If that’s the case, I certainly hope that I’m about near the end of my debt. I’m so worn down, I’m not sure I recognise myself anymore.
Posted on September 11th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
Jikon, you survived the day. and the weekend. and the weekend before. Have faith in yourself.
*hug*
returning the one you gave when i needed one
Jikon, it’s gonna be “hell” for the next 2, 3 months or so. Cry your heart out…cry till you’ve got no more tears to shed…but i promised you, you will get over it. The experience will make you stronger..
*Hugs*
It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel bad.
Just don’t let it take over your life. I am sure you are a good person…and if you do believe in karma, then chin up. Good things will come back to you again.
hey bud..
sorry i haven’t said much.
i wanted you to know that i am always a phone call or an email away should you need someone to talk to or just yell at for a while.
we’ve all been places in our live where everything just doesn’t seem worth living for, it’s been a long long journey, one that definitely tested my patience and sanity, but then again, what the hell is sanity anyway?
i know that there will never be enough words to comfort or make you feel better, so i’ll just hug you instead.
remember when i was in that icky blech disgusting place in my life, it’s not so bad anymore, like the hurricane it’s bad, then worst then better….you just have to weather through it.
stay strong sweetie, and if you don’t feel like doing that, we’ll help you along the way.
love,
me
Jikon,
You’ve been silent the past week.
hope you had a decent week.
my wish for you this weekend - that something would happen to bring a smile back to your face and laughter into your life again.
look out for the simple pleasures in life. they count too.
Jim
Hey Jikon,
J’attends de tes nouvelles. Bon courage tu sembles en avoir besoin !
While navigating into others’blog going through link to link, I ended up in yours not sure whether tu es le Jikon que je connais ou pas. Thanks to the pictures you put of yourself in your blog, je sais que c’est bien le Jikon que je connais.
J’ai attendu ton mail retour au mien mais apparement I missed something out here as you seem no longer in the country. Envoie moi de tes nouvelles à on adresse email que tu as et donne moi ta nouvelle adresse email pour qu’on ne perde pas contact. Je ne suis pas une fan des blogs et c’est un hasard aujourd’hui que je passe quelques minutes dessus ! La prochaine fois sera peut-etre dans un an
Marie