I haven’t been blogging. I haven’t had the heart. There hasn’t been anything I want to say that would mean anything, have any effect, or be of any interest to anyone.

The last week and a half has gone by in a chaotic swirl. I’ve had quite a bit of work at the office. The Dell 700m was delivered and I’ve been distracting myself by configuring the notebook. I’ve been staying out till late, avoiding going back to where I am (temporarily) living.

But I’m doing much “better”. I am coping and managing. At least I appear “normal” when I put my mind to it. I can temporarily put on my courteous smile and grin through 4-hours of social tedium before going back to zoning out and forgetting that I exist.

I’m still taking the happy pills. But it’s uncertain whether it’s the pills or time that’s changing my outlook. I think I’ve moved through a transitionary period in the last two weeks. I think I’ve just come out of the shock phase and have now entered the period of grief. I think I’ve moved through rejection to acceptance and I’m finally really, really weeping.

I’ve been compiling a playlist of songs to represent the almost eight-years of our relationship - happy tunes, sad songs, meaningful ones. I haven’t really dared listen to it before, but I’ve started to do so now. I’m now basking in the hurt of the wound and not reacting in a spasm. But hurt is also slowly turning to anger…

I don’t know what I am saying. I’m writing this off the cuff. It’s midnight and I’m tired. I need to sleep.

Posted on September 21st, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal