Published on XinHuaNet.com and accessed here.

Posted on September 17th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Regionalisation | No Comments »

Just when you think you’ve gone through the worst, you find a lower level to sink into.

I felt absolutely suicidal yesterday. I don’t know why but all of a sudden everything just felt really bad. My stomach churned all day. My head kept filling up with lyrics from Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” - a song that he used to sing to me over the telephone. I felt like dropping to my knees and giving up. I had to struggle through the work day and that heavy, nagging, sinking feeling dogged me until the very end.

As I emerged from the office at the end of a long week, I just felt like crying. I felt like crawling into the darkest hole, far from anyone’s reach, and bawling my heart out. Instead, I ended up spending the evening with some friends over tea and kuih. I must have come across like a zombie to them - staring into space, hardly saying a word, not really listening to the conversation and not knowing why I was even there. It took a while before I was the least bit interested in what was going on around the table, but by then I was far too tired to bother anymore.

And then today, I seem to be “normal” again. I’ve miraculously managed to get through the day without any emotional drama and I think I’ll survive the last couple of hours before going to sleep. I puttered about all day and distracted myself. While I still stare into space on the odd occassion, you’d hardly think there was anything wrong with me. Today, at least. God only knows what tomorrow will bring…

There are moments when I think I’m paying some sort of karmic penance. If that’s the case, I certainly hope that I’m about near the end of my debt. I’m so worn down, I’m not sure I recognise myself anymore.

Posted on September 11th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 7 Comments »

I think my body is adjusting to the sertraline. I’m still yawning for most of the morning, but not as much as before. The slightly zombied state of mind still persists until the afternoon but appear to wear off earlier than before. But my neck and shoulders still feel stiff - the muscles appear to be contracting, as if in a minor spasm. I hope this is “normal”.

What is definitely not “normal” was this ache I had in the lower back of my head last night. It started late in the evening at about 20H. As I had been feeling a little cold since the afternoon and was for some unexplained reason very, very tired, I decided to go to bed at 21H. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, that throbbing ache at the back of my head was still with me. It’s not the sort of “normal” headaches that I’ve experienced in the past. It’s something else altogether. It was very localised and really throbbing. Fortunately, it sort of went away after a short while.

I checked the internet on sertraline again and read that among its side-effects are:

The most common side effects of sertraline are sleepiness, nervousness, insomnia, dizziness, nausea, tremor, skin rash, upset stomach, loss of appetite, headache, diarrhea, abnormal ejaculation, dry mouth and weight loss. Important side effects are irregular heartbeats, allergic reactions and activation of mania in patients with bipolar disorder.

hmmm… I have some of those.

I also appear to have regained my appetite. That could be a side-effect of the drug, or it could be me getting back into the swing of life again. I think I’m still traumatised by the separation, but I don’t seem to be crying (as much) anymore. I do have mood swings, but in some ways that’s “better” than being in anguish and shock the whole time. Coincidentally, I have been given additional tasks at work this week, but I am managing if at a slow-motion pace. And I’m slowly trying to be interested in other people’s blogs again though it will be a while until I’m interested in life in general again.

I realise this blog is descending into a very self-serving, self-centred journal/diary. There have been arguments both for and against such blogs with no conclusive outcome. I don’t particularly want JikonLai.com to turn into such a blog, but at this point in time, this is all I can think about. But more importantly, this writing serves a particular purpose - I want to remember. I want to remember everything I’m going through, what I feel, what I think and how I am coping. I want to remember because just as loving someone opens you up to being hurt, it also gives you the power to hurt. I want to remember because no one should hurt like this. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone like this … again.

The situation you find yourself in was one that i had put someone else in. It’s been almost two years and i still punish myself by wondering each day how she is and regretting the pain i caused her. All that you have blogged on your feelings in the aftermath…I’m sure she shares/d. I hope your ex is reading your blog. As the dump-er, it serves as a reality check for the raw pain that one decision can inflict, no matter how rational and justified the reasoning.
- from a reader

Posted on September 9th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 5 Comments »

Published in Singapore’s Straits Times on 09 September 2004 and accessed here.

Posted on September 9th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Developmental Issues | No Comments »

I hate taking medication with sedatives. I’ve always hated them, especially things with anti-histamines. The groggy after effects last for hours on end and would take forever to wear off by which time I’m due for the next dosage.

The Frisium 10 I was taking before didn’t really have any noticeable effect on me, other than allow me to sleep deeper when I did sleep, but it was not a sleeping pill. It was merely supposed to alleviate anxiety and the doctor said that she had given me pills with very, very small dosage of active ingredients.

The sertraline on the other hand is strong. I took one last night at about 20H. But today, I was yawning all morning, my neck muscles felt as if they were contracting (but not tensed in the stressed-out kind of way), and it took more effort to focus my mind otherwise I’d be zoning out. I had woken up at 07H and the horrible after-effects didn’t start to dissipate until about 16H. I should feel “normal” again by about 20H, but by then I need to take my next happy pill!

Welcome to Zombie-land!

I’m going through mood swings like a yo-yo. In fact, yesterday, I went through just about every possible emotion a human being could experience: sadness, tears, anger, happiness, laughter, numbness, anxiety, excitement, frustration, hurt, peace, pain etc. etc. etc.

I finally figured out that at its simplest, I’m caught between my mind and my heart. My mind tells me that in many ways, and for many reasons, our going our separate ways is the “right” thing to do. It has been long in coming… But my heart fights against that logic. It refuses to believe that problems cannot be resolved or obstacles overcome. More importantly, the emotional ties are strong and “right-ness” is defined by intuitive beliefs rather than rational arguments. What after all is “hope” but a question of faith rather than logic?

Unfortunately, at this stage, survival dictates that my heart has to follow my mind. It has to move to where my mind is standing - however slowly or reluctantly. I suppose, at some point, it will get there… but that development is in itself depressing.

Life rarely gives us exactly what we want. Thank goodness. We have, after all, a tendency to want the silliest, most self-defeating things. We get ourselves hopelessly wound up about desires and aspirations which, we imagine, could make us feel totally content. When we are unlucky enough to have our wishes granted, we soon discover the reality is wildly different to the theory. There’s something that you think you want now. Fortunately, you are not likely to get it now. Instead, as your ruler now forms a rare right angle to Pluto, you can expect something far, far better.
- Cainer for Aries today

Posted on September 7th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 7 Comments »