twilight zone limbo
My life is in limbo.
Although I no longer live there, that house, that place… it’s still home for me.
Where I am now living staying sleeping… it’s just a transit point. I don’t belong here. It’s not a place to plant roots.
I’m neither here, nor there.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.
I’m in a twilight zone of my own.
I’m anxiously waiting for December to roll along. The next phase of my life, whatever that will be, will take off then. Until that time, I have to grit my teeth, sit tight and bear with the passage of time.
There are days when December seems such a long time away. Eons away. As if it would never come.
But on the odd enlightened moments, I’d be completely frightened by how soon Decmeber will roll by. We’re already towards the end of October now. November will go by relatively quickly what with all the days off for festivities and my taking some recreational leave off work. Soon, December will be upon me and I would have to deal with life, come what may…
However, I’m not sure if I’m ready to move on yet. I’m still working out the emotional “issues” that came with the end of the relationship. The veneer of calm and control has been slowly cracking the last few days. But I am still unable to let the emotions rip. They’re still bottled inside. waiting. waiting. Meanwhile, three songs keep popping up in my head. Unvoluntarily.
- Sarah McLachlan’s “Full of Grace”
- Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At all”
- Gloria Estefan’s “Anything for You”
I’m in limbo in every possible sense of the word. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Staying or leaving. Living or dying. Crying or smiling. All I know is, this can’t go on for long.
a long time ago, i know i loved me. a long time ago, i know i was capable of love and being loved. i don’t know what has happened now, i don’t know what i am. and i apologize, i’m sorry because i’m a shitless piece of existence. i’m sorry because i am absobloodylutely nothing. i’m sorry because i don’t know what else to be.
- this was published on the now defunct http://racheal.thewarmcompany.com
Posted on October 20th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
hey jikon have you noticed your side bar google adds…. sigh… that’s a sure measure of what you’re writing.
by the way, how much do you get from hosting adds from google - you must get lots of hits to your page, but I reckon they only pay you if their adds are hit, right?
Rob: astute observation. alas, true.
Google doesn’t pay much for the ads. It’s very little money and yes, I only get credited when someone clicks on them. It’s not a source of income, I’m only experimenting. You can find out more here:
https://www.google.com/adsense/
hey.. if you’ve been in the relationship for 9 (?) years, it will take you 9 months to get over it. So, cry till you’re dry, wallow in your sorrows, don’t keep the grief brief, and by the 9th month, you’ll be as good as new.
I think it needs to take time to recharge your soul, so that you can meet the new someone, with joy and love in your heart.
Anticipate. December, I mean. A new phase will mean new distractions, new challenges, new people, new self-discoveries. It’s exciting, J! And I agree with Ah Chew that you’ll still need that: TIME: to get over the feeling of displacement. We’ll be seeing new songs on your site soon - and new Google ads….:-)