How are you?

I don’t know how to answer that question these days.

I never know if the person asking is doing so out of politeness and common courtesy. Or if they truly want to know. Those who know better, know better than to ask that question unless they really, really want to know. But mostly, I participate in this great social game in which I pretend that all is well and act my part.

I don’t suppose there are many people out there who would want to hear sad, depressing, weary stories - most people have enough problems of their own, as it is, without copping an earful of another individual’s burdens.

Others are so full of their own highs, or youthful exuberance, that they choose to ignore the laws of gravity. They forget compassion. And being human. Being down and out is tantamount to being an utter failure, a loser, a social outcast… Standing up there, high on their pulpits, where the air is thin, they forget that there is a high probability that the random process of life will catch up with them one day. They might not find it so easy to breathe when it does.

And then there are those who are so well schooled in the homogenous process of globalisation that they forget the concept of difference. They expect everyone to act and behave in a particular manner, having no patience for another way. In fact, they cannot believe that alternatives are not only possible but also acceptable, and probably desirable. They forget that it is the principle of difference that makes us human. It is the priciple of difference that builds and makes societies. It is to be valued and cherished, not disdained.

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me
- Matchbox 20, “Unwell”

Sanity, at the moment, is a fine balance between keeping thoughts out of my mind and fighting them when they intrude. On more days than not, I fear I am losing the battle. I can’t seem to forget. And I see ghosts.

It’s difficult waking up and getting out of bed. I just want to turn over and go back to sleep. Sleep at least suspends reality and accelerates the process of time - time, I am told, is the healer. When I have be awake, I run around like a mad hatter, constantly on the run, keeping myself busy, with nary a moment to stop or more importantly to think. I distract myself endlessly, but mostly I’m buried in my notebook, in a virtual world.

So how am I?

Well… how would you be if you woke up one day and found that your lover didn’t love you enough to try anymore? How would you be if the core around which you built your life suddenly crumbled and disappears? How would you be if you discovered that the premise of your life for the last three years was most probably false? How would you be if you realised that all the sacrifices that you (and he) had made in the past are now for nought? How would you be if you were evicted, not just physically, but also emotionally? How would you be if you were forced to live in a strange environment that you didn’t choose and that you don’t like? How would you be if you found your life temporarily suspended, with no room for manoever, for months? How would you be if you had to deal with everything - the emotional pain, the psychological trauma, the heartache, the irrational reality, the practical obstacles and difficulties - simultaneously, almost single-handedly?

How would you be if you woke up one day and suddenly found that life as you knew it had ceased to be?

I don’t understand.

I am full of anger
and resentment.
I am full of pain.
I hurt.

I wish it would stop.
I wish it would end.
I wish I could move on.

Today
I want to die.
I may not find peace
but at least in death
my heart
and my emotions
will be still.

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you
- Alicia Keys, “If I Ain’t Got You”

  

Posted on November 16th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal