the mood swings
What world is this?
What kingdom?
What shores of what worlds?
It’s a very big question you’re faced with.
The choice of your life.
How much will you indulge in your flaws?
What are your flaws?
Are they flaws?
If you embrace them,
will you commit yourself to a hospital for life?
- quoted from “Girl, Interrupted”
I think I’m going crazy, crazzy, crazzii, crazzziiiiii, crazzzzee, crazzzzzeeeee… I think I’m going bonkers, mad, out of my mind… I don’t know whether I’m here or there, sane or insane, in one piece or completely shattered.
My state of mind and emotions have been swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other - not just from day to day, but several times within a day. I’d be in a social setting and all will be hunky-dory. I’d converse, smile, laugh even. But the moment I’m left on my own, my mind will start to wander and I’d be wanting to cry, drop to the floor, or ball up and go into a deep sleep hoping never to wake up to this nightmare, ever.
It has been three months. In an ironic kind of way, I miss the earlier period when all I did was cry, sleep, walk like a zombie and then cry some more. At least then my emotional and psychological states of mind were constant, even if they were constantly bad. It is preferable to how I am these days, particularly this last one week where I swing from periods of elation to moments of depression within the span of an hour.
This is the new me - Dr Jikon and Mr Lai. “Normal” and “happy” in social settings but introverted, if not altogether depressed, when alone. Friends have commented that I’m rather hyper these days when I’m around them. They just don’t see the transformation when they’re gone.
I half suspect that this has something to do with my happy pills. I can’t really feel depressed or cry anymore. I’d feel the tears welling up and I would want to cry but then… I can’t. It’s not that I’m intentionally suppressing them but the tears just would not flow, even though I can feel its weight pressing down on me. But even that is problematic. The “weights” don’t anchor in my heart anymore. They may come and make a light impression, but they also bounce right back up and disappear. It’s as if I have a trampoline buried inside me.
I miss crying.
I miss being depressed.
I may feel down for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, but then I’d drift again. Not happy, not light-hearted, not sad - but drifting. Like a zombie.
I miss emotions.
But I do feel. I feel very tensed these days, particularly at the back of my neck and between my shoulder blades. There are days when it seems as if the muscles are continuously contracted. I’d find my jaws clenched and my arms gripped in a combative mode… It’s as if I have a lot of excess energy that need to be dissipated away.
I went to pick up my second montly supply of the happy pills yesterday. I told the doctor about this. She listened, but didn’t really comment. She did prescribe me some muscle relaxants for when I feel particularly tensed-up. Otherwise, I’m to continue taking these pills, even if I feel like an android on them.
This is proving to be a rather tedious experience.
Will life ever be “normal” again. How long will I be swinging from mood to mood?
Is this what grief is like?
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
- Evanescene, “My Immortal”
He’s been sending me SMSes. Not often. Maybe one every 10 days or so. They don’t really say anything in particular… but they say everything… and nothing at all. He wishes me well.
I miss him.
Posted on November 4th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 2 Comments »
