leaving home again
The train may be chugging along, the engines may increasingly pick up power and it is all starting to accelerate far too fast, but I still can’t believe that I will soon be leaving Malaysia. Yet again on another long journey… to find myself.
On the surface, it all seems wonderful - marvelous - and a great opportunity. But in reality the path that I am now taking is full of bitter and sad significance. A journey that otherwise wouldn’t have been made if not for what had gone on before.
Many would never understand it but the only reason why I even contemplated the Ph.D. in the very first place is the very reason why I wish I wasn’t going. It was to be a “solution” to a “problem” that is now a “problem” in itself. We may all make our own choices in life but we don’t always make them in circumstances of our own choosing. We may have our individual life-priorities but they are not always logical, or apparent, to others. You see… I find myself having to make a “choice” that is out of sync with my personal priorities, in a circumstance in which I wish I didn’t have to find myself.
In my heart, I wished I wasn’t going. In my heart, I wish I was staying. Instead of pursuing a career where I “give talks and lectures and schmooze at intellectual functions”, in my heart, I wished I could stay at home as Mr Housewife, managing a household, and making my partner, and in the process myself, happy. You might say I’m not terribly ambitious but in reality, I think having a happy home and a blissful and satisfying relationship is probably the most ambitious, and impossible, of all dreams these days.
It’s not a question of my intellectual abilities. Nor is it a question of myopic vision. It is also not about laziness. What it really boils down to is personal values and priorities. Perhaps I grew up in a pre-feminist, pre-individualistic, pre-80’s world, because in my case, vows of “happily ever after” come before worldly pursuits of career excellence. I’d much rather have a successful relationship than a successful career.
Now, three weeks before I’m due to leave, with everything slowly being put in place for me to go, I find myself wishing I didn’t have to. I don’t know what it is that’s ahead of me but I certainly wish I wasn’t leaving my whole wide world, and all that is important to me, behind.
Sometimes I wonder
If I’m ever gonna make it home again
It’s so far and out of sight
I really need someone to talk to
And nobody else knows how to comfort me tonight
Snow is cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow
I won’t be happy
Till i see you alone again
Till i’m home again and feeling right
I wanna be home again and feeling right.
- Carole King, and subsequently Vonda Shepard, “Home Again”
Posted on January 19th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
“We may all make our own choices in life but we don’t always make them in circumstances of our own choosing.”
couldn’t agree more on this statement!
Hi Jikon, am here by way of Zarina (who asked about Perdana on your behalf). I wish you the very best of luck in your PhD pursuit and that of more self-discovery. I’m sure you’ll be able to find more funding later on!
you can do it!
Yes Jikon, you’ve “pressed the button” and the “machine” is getting on with the process.
“The choice”, I’m afraid, is between available options… or else chancing that a currently unavailable preference becomes an option?
I think it’s great that you’re so clear about what your heart desires… so long as you don’t distract yourself too much, then I think it stands a chance of becoming a reality.
Good luck!
thought it was more appropriate here. diana ross’ do you know where you’re going to
Why must we wait so long
Before we’ll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be
Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know?
Do you get
What you’re hoping for
When you look behind you
There’s no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?