This was published in MalaysiaKini and taken from here.

Posted on January 20th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Regionalisation | No Comments »

The train may be chugging along, the engines may increasingly pick up power and it is all starting to accelerate far too fast, but I still can’t believe that I will soon be leaving Malaysia. Yet again on another long journey… to find myself.

On the surface, it all seems wonderful - marvelous - and a great opportunity. But in reality the path that I am now taking is full of bitter and sad significance. A journey that otherwise wouldn’t have been made if not for what had gone on before.

Many would never understand it but the only reason why I even contemplated the Ph.D. in the very first place is the very reason why I wish I wasn’t going. It was to be a “solution” to a “problem” that is now a “problem” in itself. We may all make our own choices in life but we don’t always make them in circumstances of our own choosing. We may have our individual life-priorities but they are not always logical, or apparent, to others. You see… I find myself having to make a “choice” that is out of sync with my personal priorities, in a circumstance in which I wish I didn’t have to find myself.

In my heart, I wished I wasn’t going. In my heart, I wish I was staying. Instead of pursuing a career where I “give talks and lectures and schmooze at intellectual functions”, in my heart, I wished I could stay at home as Mr Housewife, managing a household, and making my partner, and in the process myself, happy. You might say I’m not terribly ambitious but in reality, I think having a happy home and a blissful and satisfying relationship is probably the most ambitious, and impossible, of all dreams these days.

It’s not a question of my intellectual abilities. Nor is it a question of myopic vision. It is also not about laziness. What it really boils down to is personal values and priorities. Perhaps I grew up in a pre-feminist, pre-individualistic, pre-80’s world, because in my case, vows of “happily ever after” come before worldly pursuits of career excellence. I’d much rather have a successful relationship than a successful career.

Now, three weeks before I’m due to leave, with everything slowly being put in place for me to go, I find myself wishing I didn’t have to. I don’t know what it is that’s ahead of me but I certainly wish I wasn’t leaving my whole wide world, and all that is important to me, behind.

Sometimes I wonder
If I’m ever gonna make it home again
It’s so far and out of sight

- Carole King, and subsequently Vonda Shepard, “Home Again”

Posted on January 19th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 6 Comments »

I didn’t want to announce it before I was certain of the arrangements. While it is not 100% finalised, we’re are most certainly very nearly there. The ball has started to roll and it is becoming increasingly obvious that the end is in sight.

I will be travelling to Canberra, Australia in February 2005 to pursue a Ph.D in International Relations at the Australian National University (ANU).

This is the light at the end of the tunnel. The consolation prize. The reason why I am no longer buying Anu Mac (the iBook). And why I have started saying goodbye. It is the bitter sweet ending to three years of turmoil, uncertainty and loss. God may have taken leave of absence but Cainer worked his magic… well… he tried. It’s not perfect as you shall soon read.

Posted on January 17th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 23 Comments »

While the whole of Kuala Lumpur, and huge swathes of Peninsula Malaysia (read this, this and this), is suffering from a major power outage since about 1230H, we still have air-conditioning, elevators, working security doors, working PCs and internet connection and half the lights at the very organised place for which I work. We have our own power generators! The only thing we don’t have at the moment is Astro!

Damn! So much for going home early…!

Posted on January 13th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: lost blah blah | 19 Comments »

Thanks to her, I discovered a new definition to an old word yesterday:

bitterness: noun to describe the cost of living with your convictions in a society eager to put you down, point out the “error” of your ways and/or persecute you.

Posted on January 13th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal | 10 Comments »