And I never really sleep anymore
And I always get those dangerous dreams
And I never get a minute of peace
And I gotta wonder what it means
And I gotta wonder what it means
Maybe it’s nothing and I’m under the weather
Maybe it’s just one of those bugs going round
Maybe I’m under a spell and it’s magic
Maybe there’s a witch doctor with an office in town

Is this a blessing? Or is it a curse?
Does it get any better? Can it get any worse?
Will it go on forever? Is it over tonight?
Does it come with the darkness? Does it bring out the light?
- Meat Loaf, “It Just Won’t Quit”

I have been in a constant daze for days. My mind’s not fully here, my presence merely physical. My body refuses to sleep at night, but when I do, I dread waking up the following day. I am meandering in a long dark tunnel, completely disoriented, still looking for the light.

None of this feels real to me - not the fact that my love has turned on me, or the fact that I am out of a home… not even the fact that I might, actually might, be going down to Australia soon for further studies and a whole new life. Has it all been a nightmare? Will I wake up soon? Or will it go on forever?

Forgetting is a constant struggle. The memories play tricks in my mind and my heart tugs with every breath. When you walked out of my life, why didn’t you take the pain with you? Why didn’t you just kill me so I didn’t have to learn and know all this… all this endless pain and hurt?

If I have ever come close to understanding what it feels like to be an amputee without actually being one, this would be it. It constantly feels as if someone’s cut out one of my limbs - my love for you - but I can still sense it as if it’s there… very present, very real… refusing to go away… pressing ever so insistently against my ribcage… throb, throb, throbbing…

Why wouldn’t the waves that wash over me again and again also take me out with them? There have been days when all I want to do is to stop in my tracks, collapse on the ground, and let it all go.

What matters more, the journey or the destination? This is not supposed to be one of those trick questions, where the answer turns out to be, ‘neither, because the journey IS the destination, man.’ I’m simply asking you to consider the difference between a pleasant path that goes nowhere in particular and a dark dank tunnel that eventually brings you out into a wonderful place. I would like you to further contemplate the idea that there’s only one way to reach this Utopia. Now, think again about whether or not you are lucky. You are.
- Cainer for Aries, 02 February 2005

Posted on February 3rd, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal