last thoughts
If I were straight and had been in a relationship for eight years, chances are very high that I would have been married at some point during those many years. If I had been married and then got divorce, I would have had rights and entitlements. Whether I would have demanded for them is a different matter, but I would have had the right to them.
If I were straight and I had been married, I would now be called a “divorcee”. But as things stand, I don’t know what I am now. I was more than just a casual friend. I was more than “never married”. In some countries, I would have been considered to have been in a “de facto” relationship. So, I am now more than just separated. But I am not divorced. And since I didn’t go through a civil “disunion” - because we never had a civil union - I can’t even be considered a “disunionised individual”.
If I were straight, no one would question my relationship, not even after it had ended. No one would even think to ask why we wanted to live together or why we started to build eight years of our lives around each other. But more importantly, if I were straight, no one would dare negate the existence of our relationship even though it was never formally legalised.
But only if I were straight.
—
In the final analysis, despite the cynicism, the defeats in the face of life and the struggle to keep up, I think I am still an optimist at heart. That fire may not burn as brightly as before, but I still tend to a flicker of hope, however deeply buried it may be. Otherwise, there would be no point in living.
Posted on February 4th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Notable: Personal
I take your point Jikon, which I think is largely how other people see your situation and it is depressing for me to see, towards the end of your post, the kinds of things people have been saying or implying…
Yes, it is interesting to reflect on the shorthand, in the form of words, that we use which readily conjure up for those “others” a whole raft of thoughts and feelings that perhaps “normalise” it all?
However, I think in the ultimate analysis these really are just words (like “widower” or “widow”) that the person they are being applied to will not like because they are not personal enough; although such shorthand does possibly have the advantage of serving to close down a conversation when dealing with those you’re not really close to ,or when you really don’t want to go through it all again?
I’m getting carried away here I think (or I ought to be?!) It’s heartening for me to see you recognise that you are an optimist deep down; I agree.
That’s “all” for now!
I do believe that you could at least have a contract written for moving in together. Sort of like a prenuptial agreement, but since no marriage…. it ends up into a moving-in together agreement, which would accord you rights pre-agreed upon should either party move out.
Just something to consider should you ever think of moving in with someone else in the future.
Hugs.
Jikon,
i think that the hurt inside is the still same, regardless.
from Shima’s Teringin
Ku wanita dengan airmata
Bukan untuk meminta simpati
Sekadar melepaskan
Rasa hati….
Dear J, I don’t think anyone can negate the emotions of the experience. Hugs.
A lot of things happened in life for a reason. It happened because it has to happen. And it happened so that you could grow emotionally and experience better things in life.
I am sure at this point, a lot of good has already happened in your life
All the best.
hi jikon, it must be a surprise or even a shock to have heard from me…
words may not move mountains, but yours have certainly moved me. share your sentiments (or have they gone by now?), fully, totally. life goes on, and i am glad to see that you have been journeying on down under.
pack up and set forth, the sky is blue.
by the way, i was searching for the lyrics of michael buble’s ‘home’, and ran into your site by chance. what a blessed coincidence.