I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to fall in love, not infatuation, but in love. I’ve enmeshed myself so much in “gay society” and the “gay way of life” where meetings and encounters are generally coloured by the expectation of sex, not love, that I forget what falling in love should fell like.

When gay men meet, the first, and probably only thing, on their mind is whether the guy opposite is fuck-able. Is he attractive enough? Sexy enough? Will he get your juices running fast enough to warrant taking him home? Practically no one worries whether you get along as individuals or wether you can hold a conversation together. No one bothers to consider whether the bloke is funny or romantic or considerate. If at all gay men think whether the chap sitting across the table is nice, it’s whether he’s nice enough to fuck, not have a relationship with!

After years of this, and of not “being in the market”, I think I’ve forgotten how to recognise a situation when I am, or rather might be, falling in love, or not as the case might be.

I met a rather nice guy for coffee today. We had an hour long conversation about various things. It was comfortable, not anxiety inducing. It was honest and open - we talked about matters of the heart, what we did, what happened to us, what we wanted. The conversation flowed smoothly - there were no awkward moments. There was good “repartee”, as one would say. It was fun. It was nice. And he was attractive looking - not sexy, not hunky, not gorgeous, but attractive. But there were no “tingling sensations” down my spine. My heart did not skip any beats or flutter. I didn’t feel like swooning or going goo-goo ga-ga. I did however, think it would be nice to run my hand over his bald head and give him a kiss.

So, is this falling in love? How would we know? Are there really any definitive signs that imply you’re on to “magic”?

Posted on March 31st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay!