One of the first things I did when I arrived in Australia in mid-February was to fuck my brains out.

In a period of about three weeks, I cycled through five different men. It felt dirty. It felt mechanical. It felt good. It filled a void in my senses. I wanted to feel someone’s heart beat next to mine again. I wanted the warmth of a human body in my bed. I wanted to “be close to someone, to have someone in me, to feel desirable, lovable, fuckable.” I wanted the intimacy, however superficial and cheaply paid for by my body. I wanted someone pounding in me - over and over again - as if exorcising a spirit that refuses to go away on its own.

And then, I felt empty.

—

If I started etching a notch in my bed-frame for every man with whom I have sex here in Canberra, I think the bed will collapse in a few months. I’ve “tricked” at least nine men since I arrived (”at least” because there may be one or two that I may have already forgotten!). I never had such luck when I was living in the UK, but I wasn’t really looking then. I was in a committed relationship then.

I did a quick count while I was bored stiff in a workshop today. I’ve had sex with 22 23 men (whom I can clearly recall) so far, sex being defined as anything more than just kissing and involving at least a blow job. There may be up to 7 men that I may have done something with whom I can’t remember at all, i.e. I have had sex with no more than 30 men in my entire life. I am seriously underperforming the “gay average”. I don’t know exactly what the gay average is, but I would hazard a guess that it runs into three digits!

—

A gay man I slept with on Sunday raved incessantly, and I mean incessantly, about my very “nice legs”. Another I recently had encounters with was mesmerised by my “soft hands”. Others have commented, variously, about my eyes or my lips. Rice Queens can generally be expected to say something about slim bodies or smooth skin.

It seems to me that gay men are no less prone than straight men to being fixated, seriously fixated, on particular body parts as sources of sexual attraction and/or arousal, i.e. the legs, the lips, the eyes, slim body or smooth skin are the gay man’s corollary to the straight man’s boobs.

I find it slightly weird…

[For the uninitiated a Rice Queen is a (generally) white man who likes Asian men, where Asian is generally understood as being East Asian as opposed to South Asian. Conversely, a Potato Queen is an Asian who likes white men. Asian men who like Asian men are known as Sticky Rice.]

Posted on April 30th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 7 Comments »

In the aftermath of breaking up, while trying to juggle between grieving, breathing and surviving, there were many things I wanted to say, many experiences that I wanted to express and much that needed venting. Some of it made it to the old blog, others got lost between my trying to live and my fight to regain consciousness of life.

Today, I found some of those missing words on this blog and was reminded of the universality of life’s major experiences. Here are extracts that I found particularly relevant to me:

it’s hard to tell yourself that you are worth something, worth love, worth being alive, it’s hard to convince yourself you are anything. it’s hard to fight back when you have everything sucked out of you.

it’s hard to come to the end and walk away unscathed.

….i have never felt so alone in my life.

to not know who to call, to realize that the only person in any close proximity is the person that just hurt you. to realize that promises are only ones that are kept. to feel so betrayed…angry…hurt. hurt most of all.

to sit and feel so god damn revolted with yourself, to feel disgusted, to want to slice yourself in so many places to externalize the hurt, to know that you are so ugly. to want to hide in a corner till all the bad thoughts and feelings go away…to know you can’t.

it’s that feeling you have when the ship is already half way sinking down…and so you make do with what you have. after all that is said and done..after the yelling and the screaming and the crying..the silence is the worst. the big giant white elephant that sits in the bedroom.

it struck me the other night that i am now officially homeless. we are seperating what is his and what is mine. i feel like an old married hag with divorce papers. a lot of the things in here were bought together, shared. i want to take it all and throw it away, in some sense, i don’t care about anything. he can have it all.

i think the hardest part about being single is the loneliness. after two and a half years of being with someone, it’s hard to find your place again. it’s hard to figure out who you are, and what you are all about.

sexually, there are times where i never want someone else to touch me again, and yet, i go through periods of time where i would like to have my brains fucked out if only to be close to someone, to have someone in me, to feel desirable, lovable, fuckable.

i crave for intimacy, and as much as i want to close up and hide, i know that i will always wear my heart on my sleeve. i know that i will always give, and let go, and eventually, let my defenses down. and sometimes i know that is a great thing to have, but sometimes, i am not so sure.

thank god for friends at two in the mornign that call to check on you. thank god for friends that pick you up when you break down in the middle of the hall without any good reason at all. thank god for friends that don’t ask too many questions but just enough to prod you the right way. thank god for friends that listen when you need them to even if they are so far away but still there. thank god for friends that don’t patronize you but understand that it hurts, but understand the things you need to do for yourself to get through this, that don’t say trite, stupid phrases but are honest with you even if it hurts.

I would never wish this grief on anyone I know, other than my worst enemies.

Thank you for the beautiful writing Racheal and may you survive this. *hugs*

—

It’s been nine months. I’m still grieving. It still hurts.
And I can still feel him inside my head and my heart…

Posted on April 27th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | 1 Comment »

Getting back into the game again is tricky. And difficult. It’s full of booby-traps - things you think you know, or should know, but don’t. You stumble each step of the way when in other circumstances you might not have.

My cousin and I finally figured out that I have forgotten “how to date”. She pointed out that I jump in far too quickly and that I am far too intense. I seem to think that relationships start from the very first meet - I don’t seem to make a distinction between “dating” and “relationships”. I think too far ahead, in fact, I think too much. In short, she feels I should lighten up!

So… I’m learning how to date all over again. It’s been almost nine years since I have and apparently the game has changed in my absence.

Apparently, people preface everything with “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” because it’s a great “insurance scheme”. If things don’t work out, if you don’t like the other person, if you just want to go back to being single, you can always point out that you did say you were not looking for a relationship in the first place! Of course, if it turns out to be all hunky-dory, then great, it was just an insurance and all you would have lost would be the premium…

Apparently, it’s alright to string three persons along at the same time. After all, you should have already prefaced everything with “I’m not looking for a relationship” and therefore, everything’s “casual”. So seeing and sleeping with three different persons at the same time is just having fun and exploring the possibilities. Until you make up your mind and decide on just one of them, there’s no point in being monogamous - you should spread your risks and widen your chances!

Apparently, relationships don’t happen overnight. Certainly not after one lay. Apparently, I need to not think of them as being serious until we are several months, many dates and more than a few good shags into the process. Until then, it’s all casual and neither party is necessarily committed to each other - you’re still just having fun.

—

It seems to me that people are far too afraid of committing these days. Everyone is playing it far too safe - no one is courageous enough to put their heart and soul out there and risk having them broken and trampled upon. Minimising risk seems to be the name of the game. But have people forgotten the general principle that the greater the risk, the greater the potential gains? Maybe it’s no wonder that most relationships these days are so mediocre, and so prone to failure. The irony is that mediocre relationships are the result of playing a game that was intended to minimise the failure of relationships in the first place!

Despite all the pain, the hurt and the disappointments that I recently (and still…) experienced, I know that I want to be in a relationship again with all its attending risks and gains. But I don’t want just any relationship - certainly not a mediocre one - I want a relationship that’s full of passion, love and over the top romance. While I was hurt once because of the way I love, I like the way I love - unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, madly and totally. There is, to me, no point in loving any other way…

—

Someone told me recently that building a relationship on romantic love is far too difficult because romantic love is far too volatile. It’s better to settle for less - less is more manageable, more predictable and certainly more stable.

While that makes sense - in a perverted, rationalist sort of way - I can’t help but feel that it’s wrong. It’s just not the point. Love and relationships are not wholly rational. Love and relationships are emotional and volatile. It’s full of dramas, hurt and joy. And that’s precisely what I like about it. Not some mediocre, predictable, mundane existence…

…maybe I’m just a gay man who’s far too much of a drama queen.

Is anything better than nothing? The answer rather depends on the particular kind of ‘nothing’ we are talking about. Nothing can, sometimes, be the best thing to have. When nothing is happening, there’s always a chance that something will occur. Once something has begun, it’s a lot harder to turn it back into a ‘nothing’. Don’t worry about what seems to be missing from your life at the moment, whatever you really need, will turn up.
- Cainer for Aries, 25 April 2005

Posted on April 25th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 1 Comment »

I finally did it. After a three week whirlwind “romance”, I “broke up” with NB, voicing all the cliches one could possibly voice on Tuesday night:

It’s not you, it’s me.

I don’t think I’m ready. I’m still hung up on my ex.

I’m very confused at the moment. I don’t know what it is I want.

It’s best we don’t pursue this. I’ll only hurt you.

—

He was a nice man. He had a kind heart. Although we got along, had easy conversations and enjoyed each other’s company, it wouldn’t have worked in the long run. While he was generally generous, loving and considerate - it was all to the point of being a fault.

He was too “passive” for my liking. He wasn’t assertive enough. He lifted me on a pedestal and thought I was God’s most beautiful creation and His greatest gift to NB’s life … it was all too intense. And far too similar to how the-ex and I first started out…

If I had to list them down, these were the biggest issues to me:

• Although he had resolved one of his melodramas, he was still working on the other one and it didn’t look, to me, like it was going to disappear at all.
• Ever noticed how men who are assertive and confident (not arrogant) are attractive, not good-looking, but attractive? Well… he had insecurity and inadequacy issues.
• For someone his age, he had far too many financial problems. And in the three weeks we went out, he only ever bought me one meal. It was at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
• He was a bit weird. I’ll leave it at that.
• He has an odd fascination, to the point of obssession, with his own physical appearances. I’m not talking about grooming issues here…
• He wasn’t terribly good in bed.
• He wasn’t sufficiently “sophisticated” or “worldly-wise”.
• In the end, I just wasn’t that attracted to him. In other words, I just wasn’t into him!

—

The lesson learnt here is that no matter what my heart feels, sometimes, I need to let my mind take charge. Some things just wouldn’t ever make sense. They are not rational and should therefore be abandoned as soon as possible.

—

After I had said my cliches, he told me something that came as a surprise. While I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt, it turned out that he had been lying to me about something that I would consider to be a really important, core issue. Without going into the complicated details, he was, in effect, cheating on me and lying about it. I wasn’t bothered about the cheating, but I was about the lying.

After the revelation, I felt better about dumping him.

Posted on April 21st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 3 Comments »

My fate for the next two years is now in the process of being determined…

1597656535 - Detailed Report

April 19, 2005 15:59
Location : New South Wales Outlying Areas - Australia
Status : Shipment picked up

April 19, 2005 17:42
Location : New South Wales Outlying Areas - Australia
Status : Departed from DHL facility in New South Wales Outlying Areas - Australia

April 19, 2005 20:30
Location : Melbourne - Australia
Status : Arrived at DHL facility in Melbourne - Australia

April 19, 2005 23:02
Location : Melbourne - Australia
Status : Departed from DHL facility in Melbourne - Australia

April 20, 2005 08:09
Location : Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia
Status : Arrived at DHL facility in Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia

April 20, 2005 11:02
Location : Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia
Status : Departed from DHL facility in Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia

April 20, 2005 12:03
Location : Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia
Status : Arrived at DHL facility

April 20, 2005 13:43
Location : Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia
Status : With delivery courier

April 20, 2005 15:13
Location : Kuala Lumpur - Malaysia
Status : Shipment delivered
Signed for by : HALIL

Fingers crossed now… May God’s will and my aspirations coincide…

Posted on April 21st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: VivaVoce | No Comments »