Getting back into the game again is tricky. And difficult. It’s full of booby-traps - things you think you know, or should know, but don’t. You stumble each step of the way when in other circumstances you might not have.

My cousin and I finally figured out that I have forgotten “how to date”. She pointed out that I jump in far too quickly and that I am far too intense. I seem to think that relationships start from the very first meet - I don’t seem to make a distinction between “dating” and “relationships”. I think too far ahead, in fact, I think too much. In short, she feels I should lighten up!

So… I’m learning how to date all over again. It’s been almost nine years since I have and apparently the game has changed in my absence.

Apparently, people preface everything with “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” because it’s a great “insurance scheme”. If things don’t work out, if you don’t like the other person, if you just want to go back to being single, you can always point out that you did say you were not looking for a relationship in the first place! Of course, if it turns out to be all hunky-dory, then great, it was just an insurance and all you would have lost would be the premium…

Apparently, it’s alright to string three persons along at the same time. After all, you should have already prefaced everything with “I’m not looking for a relationship” and therefore, everything’s “casual”. So seeing and sleeping with three different persons at the same time is just having fun and exploring the possibilities. Until you make up your mind and decide on just one of them, there’s no point in being monogamous - you should spread your risks and widen your chances!

Apparently, relationships don’t happen overnight. Certainly not after one lay. Apparently, I need to not think of them as being serious until we are several months, many dates and more than a few good shags into the process. Until then, it’s all casual and neither party is necessarily committed to each other - you’re still just having fun.

—

It seems to me that people are far too afraid of committing these days. Everyone is playing it far too safe - no one is courageous enough to put their heart and soul out there and risk having them broken and trampled upon. Minimising risk seems to be the name of the game. But have people forgotten the general principle that the greater the risk, the greater the potential gains? Maybe it’s no wonder that most relationships these days are so mediocre, and so prone to failure. The irony is that mediocre relationships are the result of playing a game that was intended to minimise the failure of relationships in the first place!

Despite all the pain, the hurt and the disappointments that I recently (and still…) experienced, I know that I want to be in a relationship again with all its attending risks and gains. But I don’t want just any relationship - certainly not a mediocre one - I want a relationship that’s full of passion, love and over the top romance. While I was hurt once because of the way I love, I like the way I love - unconditionally, wholeheartedly, passionately, madly and totally. There is, to me, no point in loving any other way…

—

Someone told me recently that building a relationship on romantic love is far too difficult because romantic love is far too volatile. It’s better to settle for less - less is more manageable, more predictable and certainly more stable.

While that makes sense - in a perverted, rationalist sort of way - I can’t help but feel that it’s wrong. It’s just not the point. Love and relationships are not wholly rational. Love and relationships are emotional and volatile. It’s full of dramas, hurt and joy. And that’s precisely what I like about it. Not some mediocre, predictable, mundane existence…

…maybe I’m just a gay man who’s far too much of a drama queen.

Is anything better than nothing? The answer rather depends on the particular kind of ‘nothing’ we are talking about. Nothing can, sometimes, be the best thing to have. When nothing is happening, there’s always a chance that something will occur. Once something has begun, it’s a lot harder to turn it back into a ‘nothing’. Don’t worry about what seems to be missing from your life at the moment, whatever you really need, will turn up.
- Cainer for Aries, 25 April 2005

  

Posted on April 25th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life!