the missing words
In the aftermath of breaking up, while trying to juggle between grieving, breathing and surviving, there were many things I wanted to say, many experiences that I wanted to express and much that needed venting. Some of it made it to the old blog, others got lost between my trying to live and my fight to regain consciousness of life.
Today, I found some of those missing words on this blog and was reminded of the universality of life’s major experiences. Here are extracts that I found particularly relevant to me:
it’s hard to come to the end and walk away unscathed.
….i have never felt so alone in my life.
to not know who to call, to realize that the only person in any close proximity is the person that just hurt you. to realize that promises are only ones that are kept. to feel so betrayed…angry…hurt. hurt most of all.
to sit and feel so god damn revolted with yourself, to feel disgusted, to want to slice yourself in so many places to externalize the hurt, to know that you are so ugly. to want to hide in a corner till all the bad thoughts and feelings go away…to know you can’t.
it struck me the other night that i am now officially homeless. we are seperating what is his and what is mine. i feel like an old married hag with divorce papers. a lot of the things in here were bought together, shared. i want to take it all and throw it away, in some sense, i don’t care about anything. he can have it all.
sexually, there are times where i never want someone else to touch me again, and yet, i go through periods of time where i would like to have my brains fucked out if only to be close to someone, to have someone in me, to feel desirable, lovable, fuckable.
i crave for intimacy, and as much as i want to close up and hide, i know that i will always wear my heart on my sleeve. i know that i will always give, and let go, and eventually, let my defenses down. and sometimes i know that is a great thing to have, but sometimes, i am not so sure.
thank god for friends at two in the mornign that call to check on you. thank god for friends that pick you up when you break down in the middle of the hall without any good reason at all. thank god for friends that don’t ask too many questions but just enough to prod you the right way. thank god for friends that listen when you need them to even if they are so far away but still there. thank god for friends that don’t patronize you but understand that it hurts, but understand the things you need to do for yourself to get through this, that don’t say trite, stupid phrases but are honest with you even if it hurts.
I would never wish this grief on anyone I know, other than my worst enemies.
Thank you for the beautiful writing Racheal and may you survive this. *hugs*
—
It’s been nine months. I’m still grieving. It still hurts.
And I can still feel him inside my head and my heart…
Posted on April 27th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life
hey sweetie,
thank you for the honor..it came at a good time.
love you.
p/s you and i…we’re going to make it.
*cue survivor song*
hugs