I wonder if it’s possible to be on a second wave of grief. Not the long, intense and painful first one that ended when I left Malaysia in mid-February, but a renewed one that seems to suggest that while I am on the road to recovery, it is a long and winding road.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot this last week, the-ex. Although I’ve been seeing NB every other day, there are substantial character and personality similarities between the two of them that the-ex is called to the fore of my mind, over and over again. I miss him. I do.

I still think of him fondly but I also remember how much he hurt me at the end of it all. When NB reminds me of the-ex, I pause and think, “no”. I’ve been through this once and if I had to do it again, I’d go back to the-ex, not revisit the same old dramas with someone new. I did it once before, and I’d like to think it was for all the right reasons, but starting from scratch again, I think I see the road ahead far too clearly…

Is this what a rebound is like?

—

There are some songs that you only ever fully understand when you hear it at the “right” moment in your life. This one, that was playing when I walked into W H Smith yesterday evening, is one of them.

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you
- Gabrielle, “Out of Reach”

—

i miss you, bad boy

Posted on April 19th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | No Comments »

I dreamt of him last night, the ex.

I was sitting on a bench waiting for him. Soon, he was within sight and was walking towards me. He was dragging his work-bags with him as he had come from his office. As soon as he approached me, he started to whinge about work.

He didn’t ask me how I was. He didn’t ask if I had waited for long. He didn’t expect me to speak. He just went on and on moaning and whinging about his work. And I patiently listened to him.

I woke up from the dream.

Posted on April 15th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | 1 Comment »

[11:44] Friend II: how did things go with NB?
[11:45] Jikon: we had a nice evening together. and then i said he needs to back off a bit. that he was being too intense and that I felt overwhelmed.
[11:46] Friend II: and his response to this was……..
[11:46] Jikon: he agreed with no protestations
[11:47] Friend II: did he internalise his agreement do we think? or just say what he thinks you want to hear?
[11:48] Jikon: i think the former, but what do you mean by internalise…?
[11:49] Friend II: did he actually really and totally feel that what you said was the right thing to do?
[11:49] Friend II: or did he just say yes without actually accepting he must change
[11:50] Jikon: the answer is yes. he’s leaving me to myself tonight. but did want to meet up on Friday, however briefly, as he will be travelling to Sydney on Friday night. He did however also say that I should call him when i want to…
[11:51] Friend II: and are you happy with this situation? or is it still a stepping stone to breakup?
[11:53] Jikon: i am thinking that the possibility is high that i may be thinking too much about this and that my “anxiety” may be more cerebral than real. i am thinking that i may not be giving this a “fair” chance. I am also thinking that if this were a stepping stone to breaking up, i need to prolong the process and have many stepping stones so that when it does happen, it would seem that we (I??) have tried and that it didn’t work…
[11:54] Friend II: both of which are excellent points
[11:55] Jikon: nevermind that it all sounds very premeditated
[11:56] Friend II: hey, you cant help using your brain and thinking it over, thats what we are meant to do
[11:57] Jikon: it of course also contributes to the making of very interesting life-dramas
[11:57] Friend II: well, thats just a beneficial side affect

Posted on April 14th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »

DIY Treo 600
My Treo 600 has been acting up for a long while. Listeners on the other end of the line have been hearing a very loud and annoying buzz for several months now. It’s been so loud and annoying that I can’t have any conversations at all on the mobile - everyone just wants to hang up immediately, which isn’t necessarily always a bad thing!

Unsurprisingly, as with most other hardware problems on the Treo 600, this is a widely known manufacturing (design?) fault (see this discussion). Fortunately, there are also widely published DIY solutions (see this and this).

I have previously been reluctant to undertake such a drastic DIY operation but since my warranty has now expired, it was either this or shelling out money for a brand new phone. So I took the plunge. AUD14 (for a set of torx screwdrivers) and 10 minutes later, the Treo 600 was healed!

PodCasts
I’ve finally discovered PodCasts. Yes, I was bored. That led me to investigating more about PodCasting that I’ve heard mentioned so much before. This led me to installing the iPodder application and then subscribing and downloading the following PodCasts (all in MP3 format), listed with their respective subscription links:

• Deutsche Welle Langsam gesprochen Nachrichten (link)
• In Our Time (link)
• The Richard Vobes Radio Show (link)
• PK and J: The Jeanette and Paul Show (link)
• The Dawn and Drew Show! (link)
• The Craig Coleman Show in quotes (link)
• The World: Technology (link)
• triple j’s Hack (link)
• dig podcast trial - music with depth (link)
• Madge Weinstein: The Shock Jock without a Cock on Yeast Radio (link)
• Feast of Fools: Uncensored and free! (link)
• Future Tense (link)
• Newsweek On Air Podcast (link)
• Espace Francophone - French radio programming (link)
• Dr Karl podcast - from triple j (link)
• Fetish Radio (link)
• Lucky Bitch Radio (link)
• The Laporte Report Audio Edition (link)
• The Chris Pirillo Show (link)

These PodCasts are listed in no particular order. I’ve only heard Lucky Bitch, Madge Weinstein, the Richard Vobes Radio Show and the Chris Pirillo Show so far - all I will say from my limited experience is that as with all things on the internet, there are good stuff and terrible shit in the world wide web! If I can only find the time to listen to all the rest of the PodCasts that I’ve downloaded, I’ll let you know which ones are particularly good and which ones to avoid at all costs!

I’ve been referring to three PodCasts directories for what’s available: iPodder, PodCastAlley and PodCast Bunker.

CeBIT
I didn’t think it was possible, but it is. I am now a registered visitor for the upcoming CeBIT in Sydney!!! And it’s free too!! Yippee!! Now, to see if I will be in the country from 24-26 May!

Posted on April 12th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Tech | No Comments »

Jikon: so - comments on NB?
Friend II: if you dont like him, if he doesnt make you hot under the collar, there is no point in pursuing it, and you are wrong to pursue it out of boredom and lack of alternatives if he feels more and will get hurt from the process
Jikon: ouch! i wonder if I’m over analysing it though…
Friend II: thats also possible
Friend II: but why are you thinking of going along with it if your not happy with it?
Jikon: that’s the problem - i’m NOT UNhappy with it
Jikon: i don’t know what I think or know at the moment - but you must have a better idea since you’ve kind of heard all about it from the very beginning
Friend II: hmmmmmmm. if your not unhappy with it, then why the existential angst over it?
Friend II: being utilitarian about it, if you wanna keep going with it cos its more fun than not going along with it, then go for it
Friend II: i just dont necessarily think that thats a very good idea
Jikon: neither do i - think that being utilitarian is a good idea. but i do wonder why i am having this existentialist angst. the funny thing is that i do get excited (to an extent) when we’re having sex, it’s just that i’m not crazy over him…. am i making sense?
Friend II: yeah, kinda, you like him, but you dont LIKE him
Friend II: he is definetly in to you and LIKES you
Jikon: that’s for sure - he’s so crazy over me, you wouldn’t believe it
Jikon: but is that still a problem? should I just terminate this?
Friend II: hmmmm. i think that what oyou should do is keep with it, for the moment, maybe he will grow on you and you will become more symetrical in your feelings for each other
Friend II: but at the same time, dont act fakely towards him, so he doesnt get his hopes up higher than is warrented by your behaviour
Jikon: i think he kind of knows I don’t get the hots for him - at least, not to the same degree. i don’t lie very well about these things!
Jikon: but at the same time, the idea of romatic love is just so… unattainable!
Friend II: dont get caught up in ideas etc, that never ever works
Friend II: work with what you have now, on the ground
Friend II: you dont dislike him, infact you quite like him, just not with a burning intensity
Friend II: you have more fun with him around, than when he isnt
Friend II: so, if you are willing to go on with it, knowing that he likes you more than you like him, and he is willing toa ccept that, then go for it
Jikon: OMG! You sound so sensible! Amazing…!

Posted on April 11th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 5 Comments »