I sometimes wished I knew what my life was about, i.e. what’s the point of it all. Why was I put on this earth? What am I here to do? What Grand Plans does God have for me? What function do I serve?

For the longest time I feel as if I have been stucked inside a deep well and that I am making no progress in getting out. If at all I am rising higher and higher up from the bottom of the pit, it is because a storm of water is being poured down into it and drowning me in the process.

I am depressed. Again. I think I have come to the conclusion that there is something inherent in me (genetic?) that is the source of my regular bouts of depression, i.e. I am somehow predisposed to being depressed. The only oustanding question is what would act as trigger each time. I think it’s quite obvious what the trigger was this time. However, the exact nature of the trigger is not important. What’s pertinent here is that I have, for the longest time, not been able to find fulfilment and/or satisfaction in, and from, life in general. Hence the “big” questions above.

While I have had the most varied and amazing life experiences in my quest at finding “the” solution that would make it all OK, none of these have turned to be “the” solution after all. I have yet to find a common thread/purpose/point to all these experiences and wonderful opportunities. While, many out there would kill to live the life I have, they only see the surface. Lurking beneath it all is a dark, restless, and sometimes destructive spirit that appears to have been condemned to a life of instability, insecurity and unhappiness.

Posted on May 25th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 2 Comments »

It was dawn. The dim grey light of the early morning filtered in through the sides of the window blinds. I was lying on my stomach in a slight daze, having been woken up just minutes before.

He moved up behind me and straddled my legs. He lowered himself onto his arms and adjusted his body to mould into mine. He penetrated. I gripped his hand reflexively. Then all was still…

Once I was comfortable with him being inside me, he started thrusting. Slowly at first, and then progressively increasing the pace until all was a blur. I opened and closed my eyes repeatedly. I arched my back involuntarily. My body seized and relaxed at its own accord. All I could feel was this hard pounding, grinding, as my hips thrusted back to meet his rhythm - over and over and over and over…

My breathing became shallow. My heart raced. A certain indescribable pleasure washed over me. I gripped his hands ever more tightly. My muscles tensed and a layer of sweat started to build between our bodies. I turned my head and searched for his. He lowered his mouth onto mine and we embraced in a deep consuming kiss from which we didn’t emerged until it was over.

He collapsed on me. For a minute, we were both panting. As we recovered our breathe, the early morning descended and enveloped us again. A soft light and total silence surrounded us. I felt his heart beating on my back. The warmth of this body pierced through my skin and nibbed the slight chill in the room. He was still inside me. I wanted us to stay this way forever…

Posted on May 24th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 6 Comments »

Frankly… men are bastards! Aussie men are just worse. They are indecipherable, unpredictable, unreliable and very frustrating. But why must they be so God-damn hunky and sexy?!?

It’s difficult enough as it is trying to establish a new romantic relationship. It’s very hard work and time consuming, never mind that all your energy is diverted from what you really should be doing. There are all these “rules” that apparently govern the process and they are not always consistent, or transparent. Then, there are the angsty waits - for phone calls, texts, for him to appear at your front door again, for the “right” time to get in touch, for the “right” moment to have “discussions”. Meanwhile, you have to suffer through long unbearable periods where having patience is not just a virtue but a miracle, you’re thinking about him 24-7, you start having irrational fantasies about the future and yet there is an abso-fucking-lutely absence of news from him.

I give up! I give up! I give up!

It’s been 72 hours since I last saw him and all I have is a text message. One bloody miserable, non-committal, SMS. He’s pissing me off by not doing anything. I don’t like that. I want a guy who would shower me with attention 24-7… OK, maybe not 24-7, but certainly more frequently and more intensely than just one bloody miserable text message in 72 hours.

The men in Australia are just bizarre. They never act keen. This particular gorgeous hunk has been giving me conflicting signals and that’s making me very confused. However, this could be “normal” Aussie behaviour - which I’m beginning to think it is. Nevertheless, it’s very unacceptable.

I give up! I give up! I give up!

I can’t afford to divert my attention and energies any longer. I need to get back to work. I am not playing this stupid game anymore. I don’t understand the rules, I don’t understand the strategies, and I sure don’t understand the men.

Frankly, I’m not dating anymore. Period. It’s too hard. It’s takes too much energy and effort. It’s time consuming. It’s frustrating. I’m exhausted. And frankly, it’s not getting me anywhere…

I abso-fucking-lutely surrender.

———–

Love hurts. But, then, so too does a visit to the dentist. Some things have to hurt, at least a little, now and then. Other experiences are comparatively painless but we can’t conclude from this that they are good for us. You have lately had an uncomfortable encounter. It has left you inclined to avoid any involvement that might lead to a repetition. Now, though, you are due to discover great fulfilment in the very area of life where you have lately had to endure great discomfort.
- Cainer, for Aries on 23 May 2005

Posted on May 24th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | No Comments »

Don’t underestimate your charm, pulling power, ability to melt hearts and your power to inspire romantic dreams in the minds of those you are close to. This may sound like a strange thing to say, given your recent history of conflict or disappointment on the emotional front. Even Hollywood heartthrobs, though, have their difficult days. You now have many admirers. Even if they don’t all nurture a yearning to form a traditional relationship with you, they see you as someone strong to whom they feel magnetically drawn. Go where you are clearly wanted this week, with confidence.
- Cainer, for Aries, for the week

Posted on May 21st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 2 Comments »

me: I am in a bit of a shock!
friend II: why?
me: i received an SMS from him at 1332H
friend II: saying
me: QUOTE: Can I come this evening and stay the night? would have to leave early in the morning. we can go 4 dinner also if u like. (sic!)
friend II: awwwwwww, thats nice
me: it’s shocking as well!
friend II: see, the strategy totally paid off
me: but what was that earlier shit about “have to think and call you back” about?
friend II: when did he call you
me: you mean the earlier call
friend II: yes
me: probably around 1215H
friend II: well, ok, he thought it over sufficiently
friend II: dont analyse, just enjoy
me: no. we must. we must “know the causes of things” (LSE motto)
friend II: ok, well, i suppose its possible that he knew he wanted to come over when you first spoke, however, he was unsure that he should agree straight away as that looks a little desperate and easy. thus he waited and then txtd, probably txtd cos he was feeling vulnerable and didnt want to have to hear you say no
me: God! if that really is the case…. and if that really is how dating “works”.. it’s terrible. it’s worse than realism. it’s worse than neo-realism even. it’s all so strategic, and so tactical. and the prisoners’ dilemma crops up all the time. we’ll never find an optimum solution any where!
friend II: your not dating yet, its the second time you have seen him
friend II: tho, if you sleep together, you will be moving into dating
me: two comments
me: firstly - what happned to your saying “if it’s once it’s recreational. and if it’s twice it’s courtship”?
friend II: you will be dating after the second meeting, i just said that
me: secondly - I think you and I, and every gay man out there, will take it for granted that we are going to have to recourse to condoms and lube tonight!
me: or tomorrow morning!
friend II: never say never. many strange things have happened
me: hahah. true.
friend II: but i am glad for you, i am sure that you accepted this
me: thakns. and accepted what?
friend II: him comin over
me: oh yeah. i texted back and said, shortly but sweetly that “Yes, of course. That sounds good. What time would you be here?” He then replied “about 18:30″. i then said “cool. see you then”
friend II: k
me: i’m so frightened nevertheless!
friend II: oh why? its fun
me: it is. but if it does get seroius… OMG! that’s a whole different game and level altogether
friend II: yes it is, but dont htink about that yet, your not at that level
me: no. true. BTW, that twice is courtship thing doesn’t hold. I met up with that Parliament guy twice and now I’m trying to avoid him like the plague!
me: then again, we didn’t have sleep overs
friend II: it refers to the physical act, not rushed coffee dates
me: they weren’t rushed coffee dates, but sex only appeared on one of the occassions, the other was what Aussies would call a pashing session
friend II: exactly, the theory holds
me: we’re such great academics!
me: so precise!
friend II: lol
me: you do know this is going to appear on my site at some point
me: amazing how you sound so lucid and sagacious!
friend II: and yet can appear so incoherent in face to face discussion
me: lol

Posted on May 20th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »