For the past two weeks, I’ve been reading material on state developmental models in East Asia - principally the books by Linda Weiss, Robert Wade and an edited volume by Andrew MacIntyre.

This partially explains the silence and why I am blogging in a very “distracted manner”… but that’s besides the point. The point, if there is one, is that all this reading got me thinking about Malaysia and the challenges facing the country in promoting economic growth and development. The following thoughts came to mind.

Caveat: these are all very tentative ideas, they have not been analysed nor substantiated properly and are merely hypotheses at this stage.

Posted on June 22nd, 2005 by jl
Filed under: On Malaysia, Think! | 2 Comments »

It’s interesting how betrayal isn’t just a one-off phenomenon.

Betrayal isn’t just the particular moment that two persons confront the truth at the same place, at the same time. It isn’t a simple matter of acknowledging the situation and trying to resolve the matter. It cannot be dealt with and put away. Betrayal cannot be confined to a particular place, time and/or incident. Once acknowledged, betrayal assumes a presence that is larger than life, longer than the present moment and more powerful than any apology.

Betrayal dawns on you when the meaning of past events is finally understood. Betrayal is traced when you’re finally able to make connections between words and deeds, past, present and future. Betrayal is enacted when, against your better judgement, you cross the line of privacy to read his/her emails or SMSes. Betrayal is rediscovered through truths that unwittingly emerge out of conversations with friends. Betrayal is manifested through chance encounters on the internet. Once acknowledged, it seems betrayal is everywhere.

No, betrayal isn’t just a discrete one-off phenomenon. It is a consuming experience that reaches into the past and goes beyond the present into the future. It is a process that, once given life, spins out of control. It doesn’t end at a finite moment in time. Once acknowledged, betrayal rears its ugly head again and again, inflicting hurt and pain that you thought should have long been forgiven and forgotten… More importantly, you can never go back to that point in time before betrayal was first admitted - that option vanishes the moment one betrays…

Betrayal. Isn’t it interesting how it isn’t just a one-off phenomenon?

Posted on June 21st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | No Comments »

My name is Jikon and I am a “love addict”.

I met up with a guy this evening even though I know that at some point (soon), I will be hurt in the process. He had already hurt me before, perhaps unintentionally, and intuitively, I know that being with him will hurt me again. He’s slightly fucked in the head, he can be selfish in bed and he is a two-face bastard… But I did it anyway.

Why? Well… between now and when I next get hurt, I know I will experience the greatest happiness, the biggest joy, the closest experience to heaven on earth - and somehow, that should, will have to, needs to compensate for the seconds, minutes, hours and days of pain that I know will follow…

It’s a bit like with a drug addict at an advance stage of dependency. They know that the drug will wear off after a short time and when that happens, they will fall into a very deep and bad low. But before that happens, they will have the high that comes with consuming the drug. And they want need that high because it’s just so bloody. fucking. amazing… Well… like them, I live for that fleeting moment of paradise on earth… because otherwise, life is just too unbearable.

I am tragic, aren’t I? And yet, there may be something noble and/or commendable in it… I may be self-destructive but at least that’s better than being a cold jaded bitch walled away by a mountain of hurt, pain, cynicism and anger…

Posted on June 20th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: love | 5 Comments »

I want long need must have a wedding that can be documented and romanticised in such a beautiful, delightful and absolutely gorgeous way.

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours,
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal,
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers,
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life’s long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward to eternal day.
- Edwin Arnold, “Somewhere There Waiteth”

Congratulations See Ming and Sim.

May all you want, wish and need for each other and yourselves come to be.

For what is the beloved? She is that which I myself am not. In the act of love, I am pure male, and she is pure female. She is she, and I am I, and clasped together with her, I know how perfectly she is not me, how perfectly I am not her, how utterly we are two, the light and the darkness, and how infinitely and eternally, not-to-be-comprehended by either of us is the surpassing One we make.
- D.H. Lawrence

—

On reflection, I’ve decided that I must have a wedding next year, while I am still young and gorgeous and still photograph well… I’ll hire a “husband”, have a wedding and document it for posterity. Thus, not only will I have a perfect wedding but I’ll also have a bloody gorgeous “husband” and absolutely no downsides to this “relationship”!

Pencil it in everyone and book your flights to London. I’m going to have a late afternoon cocktail party in an English garden on a beautiful summer evening - and it will be beautiful because this will be a perfect wedding and I would have paid God to ensure it - serenaded by a string quartet into the late evening. We’ll have canapes and wine… and there’ll be a burbling brook… ooo… an Oxford college - that’s where I’ll have this. Magdalen!

Posted on June 17th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 2 Comments »

In the spirit of this…

I suddenly feel like I’m in England again. We had our first “real” Winter day today. It’s grey, wet and windy in Canberra with a forecasted high of 10C (and low of 1C at night). It’s time to bring out the gloves…

Ooo… how I wished I was in England again. Admittedly the weather is erratic, but I am somehow always more productive (as a student) on wet and grey days - but then, that’s logical, after all, who wants to stay indoors when the sun is shining. I miss decent bookshops, especially the remainder and second-hand ones. I miss the cultural life - the theatres, the concerts and the operas. I miss being next door to continental Europe. But more importantly, I miss a decent functioning university library that not only has books and also continuously acquires more of them, but also does not lose them when you bring them back and put the blame on you!

p/s Sydney is still warmer than Canberra with a high of 17C and low of 6C - and they’ve got sunshine!

pp/s the sun came out after lunch and we had blue skies again - an almost constant feature of Canberra - although of course the temperature didn’t change much…

Posted on June 16th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 4 Comments »