I am bad! I am bad! I am bad!

I woke up at 10H for the third day in a row. Despite my best intentions, I just couldn’t wake up earlier. I think I’m mentally exhausted. It’s amazing how doing nothing but reading (actively and intensely) can exhaust you. Day One of imprisonement was not very different from the previous few days - I kind of slacked off. But Days Two and Three were really productive. I was hard on myself and that was obvious by Day Four, yesterday, when my brain just refused to work anymore by 15H. A Ph.D. is hard slog…

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it’s 1108H now… i’m waiting for the repeat broadcast of Australian Idol (final 11) to begin at noon…

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i wish i could sit down and knit all day… or do a Ph.D on knitting. instead i have this book to look forward to… meanwhile, i’ve discovered how addictive eBay can be… especially when you’re trapped indoors reading. eBay is great for the occassional “shopping” break… and this whole spiral of excitement when bidding for something is exhilirating… it’s just bad for the bank! you don’t want to know how much yarn i’ve bought over eBay already…

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ooo… i almost forgot… apparently apart from all my other skills, i’m also an astronaut now…

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ok. this was a pretty pointless post. i really just wanted to announce that i’m up for astronaut-dom! and the opportunity to have sex in outer-space. GO VOTE FOR ME! I’m desperate! I’m pathetic! I haven’t had sex in months! … err… ok. that’s not strictly true. but let’s not argue here.

Posted on September 19th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah, work | 3 Comments »

I was chatting online with a friend of mine yesterday. He wanted to talk and ask what he should do about his long-term relationship with K. At one point we ended up talking about me but that’s probably because this experience is universal and that each one of us can relate to it somehow…

We’ll jump into the middle of the conversation.

friend: you are my guru
friend: a man so wise he has realised
friend: the path to enlightenment
friend: is a shaved head
friend: and a good academic
friend: book
friend: and the occassional hot fuck
me: that may well be the path to enlightenment… but the path to happiness is mutual love, respect and care for someone with whom you can live in peace
friend: true
friend: and that won’t be with K…it’s gonna change my life irreperably
friend: but you know..
friend: I have never really been brave
friend: I had a closed fairly safe existence
friend: I need to do this
me: it’s not easy - i was stuck in that rut for ages. but i do honestly think you should talk openly and honestly with K. she deserves it and so do you. But the operative word is talk - not just lay an ultimatum. she’ll want right to clarification and argument
friend: sure
friend: do you regret leaving him?
me: i didn’t leave him. he told me to go. i was put in the street and i had no say in the matter. i wasn’t even told why
friend: want him still?
me: yes. i never stopped loving him
me: i think the best that you can do for yourself is think carefully about what you want. the moment you broach the subject with K there’s no going back. the relationship would be irreparably changed, altered
me: but you know. i may want him and I may still love him.. but I know that I will never get back together with him even if the opportunity arises. he wasn’t “healthy” for me in many ways and I doubt we’ll ever be able to work through the friction that existed
friend: can see that
me: am I happier now? I don’t know. am I afraid that I will die never loving again? yes. do I regret that it didn’t work out? yes, somewhat. but I’ve walked down this path and I can only continue walking
friend: very true
friend: it’s scary…the one chance life
friend: difficult to live with yourself if you make the wrong choice
me: you try not to think too much about it. but yes, the fear can paralyse

Posted on September 17th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | No Comments »

I normally don’t do these things but I’ll relent on this occassion because I’ve literally spent the whole day reading (since about 09H) and I’m stuffed! If I don’t do this, I fear that all I have to do is yet more reading…

seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. to love madly, passionately and wholeheartedly… again!
2. write a novel.
3. find myself.
4. return to Switzerland
5. make love all night until the sun rises
6. use all the yarn i bought in the last two months!
7. breath

seven things I could do:
1. be a size queen.
2. lower my expectations (of everything!).
3. compliment more.
4. work harder.
5. be more ambitious.
6. learn patience
7. be straight… nah, not really.

seven celebrity crushes:
i don’t really have celebrity crushes, but here goes…
1. Pierce Brosnan
2. Dylan McDermott
3. errr….
4. hmmm…
5. alright. I’m really struggling here…
6. this is where it stops!

seven often repeated words:
1. anyway
2. fuck/fucked/fucking
3. so
4. hmmm
5. huh
6. well
7. i

seven physical traits I look for in the opposite (I think we mean “same” here…) sex:
1. stature
2. hair! (not on head!)
3. friendly eyes
4. attractive facial features (yes, very subjective)
5. reasonable body-shape
6. big sexy arms to wrap around me
7. hmm… i really don’t have anything else so I’ll put “endowment” as a filler! but I don’t really mean it… really!

seven tags go to:
1. Idlan - because she likes these sort of things
2. Najah - because she’s doing nothing at home
3. Aliaa - because she asked for it!
4. Karina - because she tagged me once, though I didn’t respond
5. Mei - because she’s been bugging me about yarn lately
6. Jay - just because
7. Matt - so he doesn’t have a blog. he can always email me his answers.

I was tagged by racheal.

Posted on September 16th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 7 Comments »

Let this be a marker for today - the last day of my “freedom” for the next six weeks.

I’ve just had a meeting with my supervisor to discuss the paper I sent him on Sunday night. While broadly the discussion was positive, I am nevertheless daunted and feeling the return of stress already. Whereas before I couldn’t see the road ahead because everything was so fuzzy, unspecified and masked by the tress, I now can see the road somewhat clearly but realise that it’s a very, very, very long one.

The supervisor would like me to come up with a half-decent 10,000 word paper by about the end of October - so that gives me about six weeks. Six weeks of hard work, long hours, and probably little sleep. Forget knitting, forget days off and forget doing anything more than necessary to just survive. I’ll be lucky if I can sneak off for an hour’s coffee-break with mates from the Department to bitch and rant.

I’m glad I took the last two and a half days off. They are probably the last I’ll see of days without much of a care. From tomorrow onwards I have to get cracking … I aim to send the supervisor a short update next Wednesday. Meanwhile, tonight I think I’ll chuck in a DVD and watch “The Notebook” … but only after setting out a workplan for tomorrow!

Posted on September 14th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: work | 4 Comments »

Someone help me… someone restrain me… someone please lock me up and never let me see light of day…

First the background: you would know that I picked up knitting at the end of June. What you don’t know is that I have a problem. I have an obsessive problem - I like to collect. At one point, it was academic books. At another it was cake decorating equipment. I’ve also gone through classical music CDs and cookbooks. You would also know of my “fascination” with digital music, i.e. MP3s (read this). Some might even argue that I am also collecting years of education!

I focus on one thing at a time and I colect, colect, colect… That explains my big collection of cookbooks, my cupboard of classical music CDs, my shelves of academic texts, my hard-disk fulls of MP3s etc. I have a problem. I have an obssesive compulsive disorder. Interestingly, I don’t have the same obssession with money or men…

Now… since I picked up knitting, I acquired another category of commodity to collect - knitting yarn. You should see my wardrobe right now - it’s filled with bags and bags and bags of yarn, especially since Lincraft went on a huge two-month long yarn clearance in July. I’m obssessed with them. With how beautiful they are. With their colours - especially the deep purples. And their texture. And how they feel against your skin… I wouldn’t tell you how much I’ve spent on yarn but I’ve got balls … errr… yes… running in the three digits!

Well… tonight, I discovered another source for yarn: evil eBay! I stumbled on an auction that was (then) ending in 13 minutes and after two bids, I won 10 balls of yarn made from kid mohair in a dark plum/purple colour!

On the back of that high, I had hoped to win two other auctions of yarn made from angora (to the uninitiated that means yarn made from rabbit fur) that was (then) closing in an hour. Unfortunately… or fortunately, I didn’t win the auctions (but it certainly wasn’t for want of trying!). I really shouldn’t be spending any more money on yarn, though the angora finally went at really reasonable (cheap?) prices - about AUD4 for a ball. I guess these things come and go… with any luck, I might win three auctions on my “watch list” that will end tomorrow morning at 10H! How’s that for incentive to wake up early and go into the office!

Posted on September 14th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life!, knitting | 9 Comments »