This day marks what would otherwise have been a ninth anniversary.

Anything for you
Though you’re not here
Since you said we’re through
It seems like years
Time keeps draggin on and on
And forever’s been and gone
Still I can’t figure what went wrong

I’d still do anything for you
I’ll play your game
You hurt me through and through
But you can have your way

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don’t care and I don’t need you
And though you’ll never see me cryin’
You know inside I feel like dying
And I’d do anything for you
In spite of it all
I’ve learned so much from you
You made me strong
But don’t you ever think that I don’t love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don’t work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

I hope you find somone to please you
Somone who’ll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you
You just might need a friend to turn to

And I’d do anything for you
I’ll give you up
If that’s what I should do
To make you happy

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don’t care and I don’t need you
And though inside I feel like dying
You know you’ll never see me crying

Don’t you ever think that I don’t love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don’t work out right
And you just have to say goodbye
- Gloria Estefan

Posted on October 12th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Remnants of a Previous Life | 1 Comment »

I asked a friend to pray to you on my behalf but she reckoned that you wouldn’t listen to an alcohol-imbibing, sex craved, non-fasting Muslim like her. I asked another friend to talk to you but he didn’t think that you’d have time for a married man who’s secretly cheating on his wife with other men. Moreover, he is an atheist and he had moral objections to speaking with you.

So, I guess, you’re stuck talking to me directly though I’m not sure how much you’d care to listen to an unabashed consumerist, homosexual with 106.48 GBs of very “legitimate” music and who thinks that getting laid would be a good way to avoid thinking about my problems.

God, I need a bright idea. A really bright idea for my research. It doesn’t have to be super fantastic, it just has to be logical, interesting, novel and intellectually fascinating, enough to get the academics’ juices going. As your all-seeing-eye and all-hearing-ear would have realised by now, I’ve just flushed a great idea down the toilet. I’m effectively starting from scratch again but yet, the deadlines have not been moved. I need divine intervention. I really do. I’m desperate (in more ways than one!).

So please God, whenever you feel up to it, send a bolt of lightning and strike me down, either with a wonderful idea for my research or enough electricity to kill me - either one would “solve” my problem.

Oh… er… if you could do it before my next meeting with my very patient and very understanding supervisor, that would be great!

I thank you kindly.

AMEN
jl

p/s if you had extra time and energy, I’d be extra grateful if you’d also send down an “angel” with a great body, a wonderful personality, a loving-disposition, a healthy bank-account and great sexual prowess…

Posted on October 9th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Crisis !!!, blah blah | 2 Comments »

nano-ette and a JL “designer” mohair-sock! they are both gorgeous…!

This is one of the most amazing products, and designs, on earth. Like the VW Beetle, the Morris Minors, the 2G and 3G iPods, some of the Nokia’s of the late 1990s like the 8210, this is a “classic” design and will be much remembered, and revered in time to come.

I didn’t get excited when Apple launched the photo iPods. And I wasn’t terribly amused when the iPod Mini came out but this… this gorgeous, shiny, sophisticated zen-like design source of both aesthetic and aural pleasure… I couldn’t resist. And I’m glad I didn’t - it’s amazing what engineers can do these days with such small “packages”, and do it very well and beautifully.

Funny how the day after my thesis-disaster, God delivers this… One door closes and a nano appears…!

—

Update on the state of my iTunes library: 106.06 GBs, 17156 songs/items, 56.6 days of continuous play!

Posted on October 8th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: knitting | 4 Comments »

I hate my life!

As you do as a Ph.D. student, I spent months exploring different ideas and areas of research that were in the end discarded for one reason or other. Then, about two months ago, I latched on to an idea that I then further developed and started to refine. Intellectually, things were finally going well. I was very busy, but it was truly productive work that traslated into substantial progress. While I was not yet close to completing the detailed research proposal that I should complete as the first stage of the Ph.D. here at the ANU, I was definitely at least halfway there.

Then I found, and read, this journal article over the weekend. I didn’t like it. Though our case studies were slightly different, we shared the same research area. More importantly, our central argument was far too similar though we appear to start from different points/premises. Then I vaguely recalled that the writer was a student in my very Department and that his thesis would be in the Departmental library. I went in search…

In short? I found “my” thesis. And two months worth of work is now down the drain.

My supervisor is not to blame for this oversight - he was absent from the Department for the few years that this thesis was written and submitted. I met with him today and he’s helpfully suggested two other areas I could work on but it does mean a whole new set of literature which effectively means going back to square one.

So, just when I thought I could seriously take a much needed day-off tomorrow, I now have major emergency work to do.

This is so hilarious, it’s not funny.

But I’m laughing anyway. In fact, I’m laughing very hard. How could you not when the weather is as brilliant as it is today - bright sunshine, blue skies streaked with light white clouds, light wind and 26C! It’s gorgeous weather today - and I had to laugh.

One good thing that came out of this is that it confirms that I was on to a good idea - yes, I had my doubts, but I think all Ph.D. students question their own abilities at one point or another, if not all the time - shame that it’s been done…

Now… back to laughing at my farcical life…

Posted on October 5th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Crisis !!! | 8 Comments »

me: i feel completely shite at the moment. lots of reasons
friend: Sorry you’re feeling bad. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help, even if it’s just buy you a coffee
me: i want one double height, chocolate flavoured, frothy-topped, triple strength, low fat, hot blooded young man with movie star looks. language skills optional.
friend: Language skills may be optional but one suspects oral skills are a little more mandatory..
—

Sometimes, when we are enveloped in our own dramas, we can become very blind. We can’t see even the most obvious things. Our analytical abilities are dampened and clarity fades. What would otherwise be distinct manageable problems become conflated into one big melodrama, the size of a pink elephant in small white room.

I’m very confused at the moment. I’m still working out the break-up of my 8-year long relationship internally and pyschologically but at the same time I have these other practical issues with funding the Ph.D. and also the intellectual problems of the research project with which to struggle.

… i’m still waiting for that light… for the rainbow… the pot of gold… the end of the bridge…

For the past few days, I’ve been wanting to shut the blinds, turn on sad depressing music and curl up in bed for hours on end. But I haven’t. The thought of escaping to a world removed from reality is far too much of a luxury at the moment. I have a LOT to do. And the deadline for it to be done is looming very largely.

I know I need to try and find some time to “fix” myself. Again. Maybe Thursday. No, maybe next week. Yes, next week. No. Not next week. Maybe the week after that. That would be better… or the week after that? Or maybe… maybe… I’ll be hit by a truck and all my problems would be automatically resolved…?

Posted on October 4th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life | 3 Comments »