I’m going through another one of my neuroses over a decision that I have to make.

When I first came to Australia in February 2005, I bought a one-year airline ticket. The open-dated return portion of that ticket is due to expire in February 2006 - it cannot be extended. I have the option of submitting that ticket for a refund but I most probably wouldn’t get all my money back. Furthermore, even if I did turn that ticket in for a refund, I will be stuck having to buy tickets from Australia and that costs a lot more than tickets where the journey begins in Kuala Lumpur. Thus, I am most probably better off using that return ticket, even if it’s for a short trip.

This is where my neurosis begins.

I’m not sure if I want to go back to Kuala Lumpur. Or when I will travel, given all the other considerations that I have to balance? Furthermore, even if I do return to Kuala Lumpur, I’m not even sure why I am going… especially since, one of the stronger dynamics in my deliberations is to make the trip as short as possible without it being far too short for all the effort and cost that I have to incur.

*sigh*

I know. I am mad. No, I’m not just mad. I am neurotic. Completely.

I’ve been trying to justify why I should go to Kuala Lumpur:

• I need to see the dentist;
• I need to get new prescriptions for my spectacles;
• I could do with more summer clothes from my old wardrobe;
• I could do with my UK bank cards that I left behind;
• I might find a cheap, heavy duty stapler (!);
• I could do with another external HDD, notebook size, 80 GBs (anybody care to donate one??);
• Finally - one of the more useful justifications for the trip - lay the groundwork for my eventual fieldwork in KL.

And then there’s the issue of dates:

• The earlierst I should travel is 10 January, so that I get enough work done before I leave Canberra;
• I should come back to Canberra no later than 07 February, if not earlier, in order to prepare for a presentation that is due in the week beginning 13 February;
• I really should avoid being in KL over CNY - not only is it very quiet, but it will, I suspect, be very depressing;
• and of course, a lot of it depends on flights that are available (this is a peak travel period for Malaysia-Australia).

In the end, I think most of you would know and understand this: I’m not sure I want to be in Kuala Lumpur right now. In all my conversations about this, I’ve avoided using the word “home” in relation to KL. If home is where the heart is, then my heart died and combusted in KL. I once had a home. It was filled with beautiful things, notable mementoes, eight-years of memories (good and bad) and love. All that went to smithereens in August 2004, together with all my other dreams.

The fact of the matter is this: I have no home in KL. When I arrive in KL, I will either be staying in a spartan, make-shift room with my mother, or I will be imposing in a friend’s guestroom. I will roam streets that once coursed with the blood of my life. I will come across old haunts that will now be just haunting. And I will turn corners, always wondering, if maybe, just maybe, this next one will bring me face to face with my past.

I have no home in KL. All I have left in Malaysia are boxes, piled high, reminding me of what once was.

It took me almost 15 months before I found myself again in Australia. When I return to Kuala Lumpur, will I rediscover what I had lost? Or will I find nothing - nothing to keep me away, but also nothing to make me stay?

—

Tentative  Confirmed dates for this visit are 14-29 January. Submit your Aussie requests and book my diary early. You have been advised.

Posted on November 30th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 6 Comments »

Here’s a random selection of 10 bylines taken from an Asian gay chat room for Sydney:

(FYI: GAM = Gay Asian Man, GWM = Gay White Man, I’ll leave you to figure out “top” and “bottom” yourself…)

• hi guys 40 gwm looking for some fun.with a gam or gwm looking for nice hot cock to fuck my ass
• Strathfield bear top up for fun now have place or can travel, pvt ok
• Horny cut cock up now
• Btm asian iso for chat/fun with western guys
• looking for top mature man PVT please
• 48yo gwm, with new improved seat suits slim gam upto 60kg for the ultimate rim
• Enmore GWM & probably looking later tonight
• tall fit masc seeking gam fun
• Tight bttm look 4 fun! No pic no chat.
• spanish top 39 5′11 78kg dark hair looking for bttm guy tonight

You’ll notice that almost every single byline either says explicitly, or suggests, that all the owner really wants is uncomplicated casual sex. Immediately. Now! If not two hours later!

Doesn’t anyone date anymore? Or is that far too old fashioned for hip gay men? Is dating before sex so unnatural these days?!?

—

I’m clearing the deck of my love/sexual life. I’m cleaning out the space of all “bad” and negative vibes/energies/influences/behaviour/people. Out go all these men who are bad for me… all the hanger-ons that can’t promise me anything… and all the ones that are just after a fuck. No more meeting guys just “for fun” or thinking that guys who are happy being single will change their minds.

I’m going to clean it all out and leave an open void for the good, for the real thing, when it’s ready to come, on its own time… whenever that is. Meanwhile, I need to make that space… “purify” it… and then let it go…

Posted on November 28th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 2 Comments »

Whoever invented weekends, or 5-day work-weeks, was certainly not a student. Or at least not a PhD student.

I can’t remember the last time I actually had a proper weekend. Other than the days I had off when I travelled to Melbourne and Sydney, I’ve been working almost every single day for the past three or four months, if not full days then certainly at least a few hours of each day. It’s difficult to just let go and take a full day off - given that the PhD is an on-going project that is only expected to be completed in three years, there’s always some work to be done and always more that can be done. If I had a partner, or at least a boyfriend, I might actually be more disciplined and feel more obliged to work “normal” shifts, you know, work 9 to 5 weekdays so that I spend quality time with my lover before I lose him!

But this weekend was different. We had a gorgeous early Summer weekend - lots of sunshine, blue skies, warm mid-20C days, and slight winds to take the bite of the heat. After finally finishing this ^(*%*^%*% book on Saturday morning, a girl-friend and I spent all of Saturday afternoon in a cafe, under the sun, perving at boys as they walked by and intimating the cute waiter! I was going to do a bit of work in the evening but I got distracted on the internet. Then before I knew it, I was back with my girl-friend and we were watching the last season of Sex & the City on DVD until three in the morning.

Sunday started off with good intentions… but that was where they remained. After a naughty, though not necessarily satisfying, morning, I ended up in a cafe again with another friend, got a little (but not too much) distracted on the internet, cooked dinner for the girl-friend before we watched the final performance of Australian Idol together on telly followed by excerpts of Kylie’s fantabulous, glamourous, great fun, sexy, cute, and absolutely camp Showgirl concert in London. All you gay men out there should do your duty and get the DVD when it comes out - you’ll not regret it. Her new burlesque rendition of Locomotion is reason enough to watch it - it is sexy, it is cute, it is so sophisticated - a world of difference from whence it came. I can’t wait for her Showgirl concerts in Sydney to be rescheduled for the end of next year. It will be fab!

So. I had a good weekend. I didn’t get much done but I had a grand time. It’s one of those “special” moments I will look back on and remember of a time when the weather was fine, the mood was light, the mind was clear, the heart unburdened and every promise in the world looked again very much possible…

Posted on November 21st, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 2 Comments »

Have you ever looked (back) at your life and recognised patterns? For some of us, there seems to be certain things, events or experiences that keep repeating themselves over and over in our lives.

I can think of one or two more mundane patterns that recur in my life but the one that’s more interesting to blog about is this: I seem to keep attracting weird and/or married men in my life! I swear, I do not look for them actively. I have thought about this carefully and while there may have been the few occassions where I might have played some small role in attracting them, in general, they seem to pop up in my life on their own accord over and over again.

Why the fuck is that?

Married men is a particular “specialty” of mine. I could be glossing over (pretty much anonymous) profiles on Gaydar, or I could be having a drink in a gay bar, but if I do approach anyone or vice versa, the guy would turn out to be married with kids! I honestly can no longer count the number of men I have met in a sexual context who were either married, on the verge of divorce or were gay-curious. I have probably met more of these than “normal” gay men. Hence, girls, if I were a woman, I’d be very wary of marrying any man out there…

But it’s not just that they are married, I seem to also have a knack of attracting weirdoes. This week, in particular, outdid itself. On Monday, I hooked up with a guy who is probably best described as an ocker, i.e. a rough and uncultivated working Australian man (for a fuller definition see here). He was OK looking and the evening went well. We did what two gay mean in their early-30s would do when in confined quarters. We started in the shower, then moved onto the bed and I found myself assuming many positions that a yoga/aerobics instructor would have been proud off. Then last night, as we were chatting online, I discovered that he was into water-sports!! For the uninitiated, I am not talking about jet-skis and windsurfing here… Nevermind that, turns out he fancies a bit of bondage as well, with him on the subservient end…! I was flabbergasted, to say the least.

This morning, I met another guy. I’ll gloss over the sequence of events and how the story finally came out but the gist of it is this:

• he’s married and has two grown kids
• he fell in love with an 18 year old student earlier this year and is still reeling from being spurned by the young chap. He’s still so hung up on the boy that he even said he might need to seek professional help to get over him! Like, how wrong is all this…?!??
• his wife obviously doesn’t know anything about his sexual activities outside the marital home, despite the fact that he had apparently brought the young 18 year old boy into the family environment several times and that he had travelled with the young boy several times while on business
• he’s a loud one in bed - I’m sure my neighbour must have heard him coming…
• he wanted me to talk dirty in bed (what the fuck…??!!??)
• he lied about his age by about a decade *eyes rolling*

There was also the 30-something guy from Tuesday. I’ve met him several times now. He’s not as bad as the others but he too had his “quirks”, to put it mildly. He’s finalising his divorce as we blog, now that he’s discovered his gay-leanings. (He has two young children.) The thing I’ve never been able to figure out about him is this: he has this vulnerable quality about him when we have sex. I get the impression that he wants to be dominated and abused, or at least be given a rough treatment… It’s slightly off but otherwise he’s OK.

I wouldn’t go into the rest of the list of weird men that I’ve met this year - there was the one who had a young lover that he passed off as his “nephew”, there was a 24 year old who had sex as if it was his first time (grubbily, greedily and completely inexperienced, never mind the loud noises) - but suffice to say that the list is long.

So really… two questions: does no one have “normal” sex anymore? Is no one out there “normal” anymore? Where do all these “weirdoes” come from and why do they always pop up in my life?

I’m sure there are some who think I’m a little weird as well - I’m not buffed, I don’t necessary dress like what would be considered the “typical” gay man these days, I’m also not “straight-acting” because (1) I don’t know what that means and (2) really - in case you haven’t noticed - I am not straight (and just so we’re clear, I don’t “act” gay either), I’m intelligent, I like the missionary position, I actually think kissing is integral to sex and that the latter is not just about fucking and coming, I actually think being in a relationship is desirable and I actually want marriage… oh and I generally prefer men in their late-30s and upwards (though not geriatrics)… and yet I’m gay, I’m out and I’m proud of who I am! How weird is that?

Anyway, I think I have a serious problem… maybe a crisis even. We have to put a stop to this pattern. I am going to conciously break it. There will now be a big red “STOP” sign on my door to all weird, married and gay-curious men - no matter how bloody fucking good looking they are! And… I am turning celibate. Seriously celibate. At least until I find a nice “normal” man who doesn’t have baggage and is happy to have dates, romance, passion, love and fucks - in that order!

Posted on November 20th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 2 Comments »

I’ve been busy this past few days.

Firstly, I’ve been trying to read a selection of articles from this book and I’m dying trying. My head is filled with buzz words like “national treatment”, “market access”, Article VI, Article XVI and Article XVII and what they all mean in the context of the GATS - that’s the General Agreement on Trade in Service - negotiations. Anyway, my head’s spinning and I’m still not done with the book. I’ve got two more articles to go and I’m beginning to wonder why the hell I decided to study trade negotiations…

Secondly, I’ve been busy trying to set up the technical side of this. It took me a few evenings but it’s all done. Fingers crossed now… let’s hope more people out there like me than up there…

Meanwhile, Canberra is transitioning from Spring to Summer. Although the temperature shot up to about 28C a few days this week, we’ve also had a few very blustery days, and I mean very blustery. This finally settled into a glorious, warm, blue skies sort of day today.

In keeping with the generally bright weather, I’ve been listening to a compilation album that was recently released - Stock, Aitken, Waterman GOLD!! Ahh… the sounds of 80s dance music… remember the corny lyrics of “Especially for You”, or the positive vibe of “Love in the First Degree”, or the infectious “I Haven’t Stopped Dancing Yet”… ah… how Stock, Aitken and Waterman kept churning hit after hit after hit on UK’s pop charts in the 1980s. Their songs were simple (naff, even), but always upbeat. Even their sad songs were “happy”. Admittedly, most of them carried pretty much the same beats and background music, but you certainly couldn’t help being infected by, or annoyed with, it! Perfect music for this weather!

Posted on November 18th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »