… from a very confused, frustrated, and incoherent mind.

—

If you go through this blog, and its previous incarnation - you’ll probably agree that the one overarching theme, albeit an unintentional one, of my writing is the search for love, albeit in all the wrong places.

I don’t think I want to talk about love or relationships anymore. I think my thoughts, my arguments, and my life are all caught up in a vicious cycle now. There’s nothing novel about what I write on the topic anymore.

—

It’s easier to deal with being alone when you don’t quite know what is out there, i.e when you don’t know what you are missing. It’s more difficult when you realise that there really are GREAT and DESIRABLE men out there and you’re not catching them in your net.

—

You know how you start bottling everything inside when there’s no more point to talking or whinging or moaning etc. about it…. well… I’m a dam ready to burst…

I feel like killing someone right now and God is a good candidate.

—

friend: a friend of mine was in such deep pain he actually poked his wrist with a wire to see if that pain hurt more than the pain in his heart
me: oooo… you should NOT give me ideas…
me: i wonder what happens if I take a knife and run it down my wrists - will it actually hurt or will i just bleed?

—

I’m decamping to Sydney for a few days next week - I’ve truly had enough of Canberra now. It’s taken me all of nine months to become really sick of this big country town. It’s starting to get to me in a not very pleasant sort of way.

I’ve decided to go on a drinking binge with my cousin when I am in Sydney. A real binge - a drunk! drunk! super drunk binge! I want to become so sloshed with alcohol I don’t even remember my name. We’re going to do this at least two nights in a row and we’re going to have a grand time hopping from bar to bar along Oxford Street… (this coming from someone who normally doesn’t consume a drop of alcohol…!)

Posted on December 9th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 2 Comments »

Once in a very long while, on a very rare occassion, I would meet a guy who:

• is not only good looking but also sexually attractive to me
• shares very similar taste in music and books
• has an intellect and puts it to good use
• is a great conversationalist
• is well-travelled, cultured and worldly-wise
• is financially sound, in fact almost well to-do
• appears to have the right principles and moral values
• turns me on both intellectually and physically
• makes all the right moves and pushes all the right buttons
• has a very appealing body odour
• has a body that melts into mine
• would spend seven hours talking in bed and making languid love
• is just about as normal a guy as I would ever find, i.e. not another weird man

Alas… as this is the gay world, all this was prefaced with the caveat that it would be just a casual encounter…

I knew there was a point to my earlier vow of celibacy…

What is it about me and Australian gay management consultants?

—

Gene Kelly famously danced and sang in the rain. He, though, was in a studio. No doubt, the water was warm. In real life, a dramatic change in the weather is always a little stressful. You are not sure how you feel about the current cosmic climate. A part of you is more inclined to take shelter than to celebrate. Soon, though, you will see clear proof that the right kind of storm is breaking. You may be going through an intense experience, but it is part of a necessary process. The right kind of change is on its way.
- Cainer for Aries today

Posted on December 8th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | No Comments »

I think I finally have the complete theory of why so many gay men are not in the market for a relationship.

Firstly, there must be some truth to the argument that men, in general, are commitment-phobes. Women have been arguing this for long enough - while women look out for the “right” man to marry and make babies, men look out for any woman (or man) to make out with.

Secondly, men are generally very narcissistic. They only look out for themselves and their wants and needs. Hence, as long as they are able to do what they want, when they want - without a cling-y other to nag or stop them - they are happy.

Thirdly, unlike for straight people, marriage is not an institution or rite of passage that gay men have to go through. In fact, if anything, marriage and the institution of “long term relationship” are something to actively avoid, if only in rebellion against the heterosexual-hegemony.

Fourthly, in general, men seem to feel an inate obligation to answer their genetic calling to hunt for food and fight with their peers, i.e. work long hours and overcome the Darwinian struggle of a career. Is it any wonder that they have no time for family or relationships?

Finally, to satisfy their sexual urges and needs, the gay world has “created” many institutions that allow gay men to do so without any unnecessary social encumbrances such as marriage, dating, buying meals etc. These institutions include, but is not limited to, the sauna, beats/tea-rooms, cruising, dark-rooms etc.

When you put all these together, it’s hardly suprising that very few gay men are looking to be in a relationship. In fact, on the contrary, many gay men will state outright that they are not in the market for a relationship and that all they are looking for is a casual encounter, or a fuck buddy relationship at best. Many gay men seem to be happy to work hard, play hard but live alone. If they have a need to be sociable, they’d rather have friends on demand than be obligated to a partner.

That’s my theory…

—

I think I’m suffering the gay-equivalent of Maureen Dowd’s “predicament”.

Many gay men would profess to look for “intelligent men who can hold a conversation” or someone who is ” smart, honest, emotional(ly) sound” or someone who has “an opinion, is engaged and a lateral thinker” or someone who is “Compassionate. Analytical. Interesting. Friendly. Going places. Communicator. Passionate. Together. Educated. Different.” - these are real quotes, by the way - but really, when it comes down to it, very few gay men really have all these criteria in mind when they’re selecting someone to go to bed with, and after all, that’s all they’re going to do since they are not “into” relationships.

All they really, truly want is just a “hot” guy - someone who is sexy, who can get their dicks going and who would know what to do in bed to get them off, preferably someone with a pretty face, a recently gym-enhanced body and energy to go at it for hours on end. Nevermind the brain or the intellect - most gay men are really just looking for the equivalent of a “dumb blonde”: someone who is attractive (defined in the gym-fit gay mould), makes no demands, makes them feel great, let’s them get off and disappears quietly when it’s no longer convenient.

Posted on December 6th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 1 Comment »

I’ve just had a most intoxicating conversation with a friend about food that I am going to eat when I am in Kuala Lumpur. Here is my divine list:

• the soto ayam and nasi lemak in the Sunday night-market in Taman Tun Dr Ismail
• the nasi lemak with the best sambal kerang sold from the back of a van near KLCC LRT on weekday mornings
• dim sum in the Mandarin Oriental Hotel - it’s halal
• Italian at Oggi, Regent Hotel
• Indochine along Heritage Row - fantastic food in a great environment
• Kafe Ceylon Hill - most romantic environment in the evening and very good food
• the north Indian in the 4th Floor food court of KLCC
• the vegetarian Indian restaurant (franchised from India) along Jalan Maarof in Bangsar
• maggi mee goreng in Lotus, Bangsar
• nasi lemak goreng kampung in Chili Kitchen (or something like that) in Desa Sri Hartamas
• French pastries in Jerome’s in that Allied-building along Jalan Yap Kwan Seng
• the Ayutthaya Thai restaurant near HELP College, at the “corner” of Jalan Damansara and Jalan Maarof - but only with one particular friend for sentimental reasons

I’m sure there are a few more that I would definitely want to do in January - it’ll come to me at a more sociable hour…

Posted on December 4th, 2005 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 11 Comments »