I am home.

I arrived in Sydney at 08H on Monday feeling like a completely different person, despite the lack of sleep and the consequent physical exhaustion. Coming out of the airport into the bright blue sky of early morning Sydney, I felt this bright, burning energy that glowed from within me. It was an energy that was very much alive and that I could very much “see” and feel. I hadn’t felt like this since before I left for Kuala Lumpur.

I was almost home.

I caught the 0915H coach to Canberra and arrived at 1230H. A friend met me at the coach station and then spent the better half of the day with me unpacking, having lunch, shopping for groceries and catching up. At some point during the afternoon, I received an invitation to dinner with two mates from the Department one of whom was about to leave Australia on a very long (almost six months) holiday-cum-fieldwork trip. It wasn’t until 22H that my day finally ended and 23H when I finally laid my head on my bed.

I was finally home.

The days are now quite hot here. Temperatures are about the same as in Kuala Lumpur but the relatively much lower humidity makes such a difference. That said, I wouldn’t want to walk too much in the afternoon - it’s quite unbearable still. But the heat brings out the smell of the “bush” and the eucalyptus trees on campus. It’s a very pleasant and comforting smell. It’s one of the few things I do like about the ANU.

I took another day off today to sort out mundane but necessary matters. My body was still a little tired but I’m hoping that I will have recovered by tomorrow as I really have to get back to work. I have a deadline looming up quite close now and I expect the next ten days to be long and busy.

Posted on January 31st, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 3 Comments »

And so it ends. This trip that I dreaded so much. The return to a past that caused me so much anxiety. The confrontation with a fear that did not really happen.

I once learnt that it’s best to leave at the height of the party - that way you wouldn’t have to see how it ends, especially if it ends badly. I should have left Kuala Lumpur two or three days ago. Ten days was more than enough for a return visit. Fourteen just dragged the end needlessly.

This trip is ending as my last days in Kuala Lumpur did in February 2005. The days and hours dragging on. With nothing specific to do, I find myself surfing the internet wirelessly together with the same friend in the same cafe. I’m all packed but not yet able to go. While my body is weighed down by the heat and humidity, my heart is heavy and my eyes threatening to unleash a torrent of tears.

And so I leave Kuala Lumpur for the second time in twelve months. My heart a lot lighter than a year ago. My soul reconstructed. My mind much clearer. And my focus completely shifted to a new life elsewhere… and yet… the past lives within.

Just when I thought that I’ve managed to capture life in words, it turns around and shows me the brilliance of its multi-hued colours that refuse to be tamed. I’m glad I’m basking under its rainbow again… I hope one day to find that pot of gold…

Goodbye Kuala Lumpur.

Thank you to everyone who helped make this trip. Thank you for your time, the laughter, the conversations and the silences. Thank you for the before and the after. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for egging me on, and holding me back. But most of all, thank you for holding me up, whenever you could, through all this…

Posted on January 28th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 5 Comments »

When I am feeling low, there are probably only two or three persons I would want to be with. These are friends who know me well enough for us to sit in silence, who know enough of my history to not have to ask, and who understand me sufficiently to know what’s going on inside my mind without having to say it.

When I am feeling low, I’d like to sit out in a cafe under the night sky, nursing a drink while sitting in silence with someone who knows me well. We might occassionally make some inane comment. We might bitch about someone walking by. I might occassionally burst into tears. We might reach across the table and comfort each other.

When I am feeling low…

What’s wrong? Less than you think. What’s right? More than you realise. What’s going on in the sky right now? Something helpful. Mars and Pluto are forming a harmonious alignment. They are about to bless you with clarity and determination. Ignore all that seems messy, confused or hopeless. Focus only on the one constructive step that you can surely take. Give it your full concentration and, by this time tomorrow, you will be feeling a lot better about all the issues that now seem so daunting or difficult. The further into your future I gaze, the more good news I can see.
- Cainer, Aries for today. 

Posted on January 27th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, blah blah | No Comments »

I’m exhausted.

I’ve been back in Kuala Lumpur for 10 days now and with a few exceptions, I’ve pretty much met everyone I really want to meet. While I haven’t exactly gone through the list of things I wanted to eat, my cravings died on the second day - I really am not the sort who craves incessantly. The days have been filled with series of meetings and the travelling required to get to them. I’ve been to the hair-dressers, the doctor’s, the dentist’s, and the optician’s. I’ve done the shopping that I wanted and needed to do. And I’ve reacquainted myself with the city.

I’m pooped.

I haven’t had as much sleep as my body needs but I was never under the impression that this would be that sort of holiday. This wasn’t one for resting. If I wanted to rest, I would have stayed home in Canberra where I would have watched television, read novels and knitted all day long…

The two main objectives of this visit are (1) to set the scene for my eventual fieldwork and (2) to “normalise” my relationship with Kuala Lumpur. The former was something I consciously wanted to do and that I managed to achieve beyond my expectations (something to be blogged about elsewhere). The latter was something that just happened, probably by divine intervention.

While I had my anxieties at the beginning of this trip, they have since died down somewhat. That’s of course not to say that Kuala Lumpur feels more like home now - it still isn’t. The reality of *not* being home hit when I was alone, with nothing to do and no where I really wanted to go back to. But at least I’m a far way from the period of August 2004 through to February 2005, when I “lived” in Kuala Lumpur as a zombie. While memories of that period will probably continue to haunt me for a long while yet, at least my relationship with the city is normalising. I remember once telling a friend of mine, as she forced us to abandon our coffees, pay the bill and move from one cafe to another, that she cannot keep avoiding her ex-husband, that she had to confront her fears and learn to live with them. I knew then, as I know now, that that it’s always easier said than done. But I’m glad I did - confront my demons, that is. I’m glad I now know that there is the possibility of life in Kuala Lumpur, if I ever so choose…

Posted on January 26th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life | 2 Comments »

Despite myself, this is turning out to be a very interesting trip.

On Sunday evening, I found myself, on short notice, in the hotel room of an Indian man. Sadly, he wasn’t much better than the Chinese of a few days before. In fact, you might even say he was worse. Although he was a good kisser, I think I’ve disproven the myth about Indians with big dicks - either that or I’ve found the exception to the rule. Worst of all - he came “unexpectedly” far too soon. As a friend of mine said, “no one wants the mayo before they have enjoyed the foot long sub”. What’s worse is that this wasn’t even half a foot long. He was like a child’s value meal at McDonald’s with a dud toy.

In any case, that didn’t matter. What mattered was that I suddenly found myself on a previously unplanned quest to personally “unite” the peoples of malaysia!! Since I had “had” a Chinese and an Indian, all I needed was a Malay to make this trip very “muhibbah“, i.e. harmonious, as in society!

—

Fast forward. Monday night. Again, unexpectedly, though with more advance notice, I found myself in a corner of Kuala Lumpur that I rarely frequent, in a flat with two young men - yes, I found myself involved in a threesome!

The thing about being the odd one out in a threesome is that it’s hard to be sure whether you are the spectacle and hence the centre of attention, or whether you are the main course and merely a receptacle… However, when you are in the heat of the action, with all orifices plugged, although given the “Asian-sizes”, not necessarily fully or satisfactorily, one really doesn’t have the time or the inclination to think this matter through clearly… I was enjoying the attention, whatever the intent behind it, and revelling in the mass of limbs entangled in the orgy.

One of the blokes was a Chinese and one was of mixed heritage (Thai-Chinese and Malay). So in a sense, with the half-Malay, I mysteriously achieved my mission of “uniting” the races of Malaysia through no intentional effort of my own! It was as if there were “external forces” at work orchestrating all this… However, given my tendency for perfection, I probably wouldn’t be happy until this is done properly…!

So I’m on a quest for a Malay, although a half-Malay would suffice at this stage! And if other ethnicities present themselves, I welcome the opportunity to relish in the multiculturalism that is Malaysia!

Posted on January 25th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 5 Comments »