mind.ful of mirrors » 2006

letting go

For several days, I have been asking what was the point of this visit. I really didn’t know why I am back in Kuala Lumpur at this point in my life - eleven months after I had “fled”, in the middle of a critical period of my academic career at the ANU, at a time when very little is left in Malaysia to which to return.Â

Everything felt so pointless. Meeting friends with little to “catch up” because we regularly chat on messenger services, send emails, or call each other using cheap IDD services. Shopping for “necessities” that while cheaper in Kuala Lumpur hardly compensated for the exhorbitant airfare. Roaming shopping centres alone in the day while everyone else was working. Consuming the few Malaysian delicacies that I like although rarely craved as I’m not the craving sort.

So, I really asked myself why I was even here in KL. I felt like a fish out of water and I started longing to return to Canberra, dull as it can be, soon.

—

I went to a reiki session yesterday, Wednesday, 19 January.

It was alright but I’m not sure if it “did” anything for me. It was just relaxing, much like a massage. I didn’t have any cathartic experiences or outcome as some people do. Neither did I feel particularly happy or elated at the end of the process. I was pretty much the same as I was before entering into it.

I did however have a “vision” in the middle of the process. Without any prompting, I saw myself tearing a document related to the “past” - a picture maybe, or a letter. I saw myself burning it and then flushing the ashes down the toilet that was in the bathroom of my flat in Canberra - I recall being fearful that the burning would set the fire alarm off.

—

This evening, I had my first fuck in this country after *it* ended and the third Chinese man in my sexual history.Â

He’s probably genetically destined to be overweight and unattractive but for the moment, he had just the right amount of excess fat that I find attractive and pleasurable to cuddle. He wasn’t the best fuck I’ve ever had and he was a terrible kisser. While I don’t want to exagerrate it, size does matter and he fell … err… short. Admittedly, I also wasn’t at my best. In any case, it didn’t matter.

This young man probably didn’t realise it, but he had become the vessel for my attaining closure. This, perhaps, was the point of it all.

—

It doesn’t matter how hard you rev your engine, if you don’t take the brake off you won’t get very far. Progress, this week, does not depend on effort and determination. It requires your willingness to move on from something that has been holding you back. Why may you be reluctant to do this? Because you like the impediment. It feels familiar. You know where you stand with it. You may even have an emotional attachment to the cause of your restriction. Summon the courage to put down whatever it is you have been holding on to. If you really need it, it will adapt, change and accompany you. And if you don’t? Then what on earth do you still want it for?- Cainer, for Aries this weekÂ

Posted on January 20th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life | 5 Comments »

retail therapy

I’ve only been back for less than 48 hours and I’ve gone madÂ on retail therapy already.Â I’ve already bought three pairs of gym shorts, one tee, a new quilt cover set, four small towels for the gym, a few odds and ends for the kitchen from IKEA, a new pair of spectacles (with new prescription - I’m also replacing the lens on an existing pair of spectables), a pair of thongs (as in footwear), toiletries, aÂ crochet-skullcap and possibly aÂ few other things that I can’t remember! I still have a few more shopping centres to “do” and my favourite department store (Isetan - that’s incidentally on sale) to visit!

That said, I’m a little disturbed. I wonder if it’s just my imagination but from what I have seen in the shops so far, clothes (at least casual wear) seem to be relatively more expensive in KL than in Australia! Of course, comparing these things are always difficult - it’s difficult to compare like with like where clothes are concerned. That said, when you average it out, I still think clothes seem to be more expensive here than in Oz.Â

For instance, the average price of a t-shirt that is on “sale” is about MYR35 in KL - they are about AUD12 in Oz. In this case, there isn’t much of a difference in price - but that’s precisely my point. There should be! Prices shouldn’t be similar, or lower, in Australia but they are! Havaiana thongs for instance - designed and made in Brazil, and highly sought fashion-wear - cost AUD20 for a basic pair in Australia. They were retailing for MYR69 in Malaysia and they were sold out! This is ridiculous! The other thing that bothered was the cost of printers. I’m in the market for a multi-function printer (scanner-cum-printer) and they are considerably more expensive in KL than they are in Canberra! At least 30% if not more…!Â (FYI, the exchange rate is about MYR2.80 = AUD1.00)

From an observational point of view, surf-wear seems to have well and truly landed in KL. Mambo had already opened in KL when I left eleven months ago but now Billabong and Ripcurl also have dedicated stores and independent retailers have sprung up all over stocking clothes with the Aussie surf-look. “Fashion” thongs are all over the place now and they’re priced considerably more than the MYR3 blue-and-white Bata ones that are ubiquitous in this country.

But I am disappointed about the price levels of clothing and fashion wear. Other than a pair of very cheap Nike running shoes, I can’t say I’ve found anything that I really must buy because they were such good value. Not happy…

Posted on January 17th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 4 Comments »

home no more…

I was right. Malaysia is no longer home.

This may be the place where I was born. The place where I grew up as a child. Where, till now at least, I’ve spent most of my life (although this proportion is becoming smaller). This may be where my passport is issued. The place is where my parents are now living. Where *they* have their homes. This may also have been truly my home for eight years. But it no longer is.

I am now but a visitor. A transient in a city I know so well. I may always have a place to lay my body down to sleep, but there is nowhere to leave my heart. That place at the moment is elsewhere.

Home is elsewhere.

Posted on January 15th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 1 Comment »

freaked out

I’ve been freaking out slowly for the last few days. Although I’ve focussed my entire life, since 04 January, around an interminable paper (I’ve been working on for ages), and all my energies and waking hours have been devoted to that, quietly but certainly a distinct shift can be detected working at the subterranean levels of my mind and soul. I’m freaking out.

Today I leave Australia to return to my past. It’s been exactly eleven months since I fled what once was. I can’t believe it’s time I confront it again. I’m not sure I want to be in KL right now. I can’t imagine life back there. I’m such a different person now than who I was when I left almost a year ago. It’s almost certain, whether I liked it or not, I will be presented with the stark differences once I am in KL. I’m not sure if this is a journey of discovery I really want to go through…

I’m freaking out. Slowly but surely… I’m not sure how this trip is going to turn out and it’s the uncertainty at the moment that is getting to me. It could be uneventful. It could be good. Or it could be very bad… But do I really want to find out…? Admitedly, I don’t really have much of a choice right now… so I’m freaking out!

—

It’s now 0515H. I’m still awake.

I had a grand “last” day here in Canberra. There was one small errand to run and last-minute packing to do, but otherwise, I had a very pleasant, almost wonderful relaxing day. I watched a DVD (Kill Bill Vol.2), I went out for Friday evening drinks with mates from the Department, I went to a friend’s 30th birthday party at a really good new restaurant, and I ended up at the only gay club in Canberra where I had a good time dancing and chilling with some very nice people.

I’ve always loved the sunsets in Canberra - they are one of the most glorious things about this place. The sunsets are frequently multi-coloured and certainly multi-hued but always breathtaking since the sun sets behind a mountain from my vantage point.

I think I’m about to find out, finally, how the sun rises… I’ve just heard some birds chirping…

—

It’s now 0520H. I have a coach to catch in 3 hours and 40 minutes. Then it’s a 3 hour journey to Sydney airport. I then have 3 hours to kill before boarding my flight. Finally, there’s that 8 hour flight back to the past.

This is going to be a “great” day.

Posted on January 14th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | No Comments »

the randomness of relationships

I know I said I wouldn’t write about relationships anymore but I can’t help myself. It’s in my nature.

In many ways, relationships are very random. You can decide to love just about anyone and enter into a relationship with them. Most people are basically good and since living with someone else is always about accommodating, how much difference is there between accommodating one or the other? On the other hand, to fall in love with someone, that’s even more random. The differences between someone you merely love and another in whom you are in love can either be very stark or merely subtle shades of grey that defy logic.

Part of the challenge of relationships is to find someone with whom you are in love or whom you love. The other part is to have this reciprocated. Finally, and probably more importantly, both of you must want to enter into a relationship, at the same time, I might add. The conjunction of these three variables is truly a random affair

—

I decided to take up a fitness regime, partially out of health reasons, but partially also to give in to the gay fetish for the “perfect” gym-fit body. However, sitting on Oxford Street this evening, I saw gay men of all shapes and sizes and I asked myself: why is it that everyone else, but me (it seems), has someone?

Admittedly, I am what most statisticians would call an “outlier” - I’m someone who is different from the “norm”, the “average”. People who know me well, or who know of my background, would agree that in almost every way or area, I’m far from the average (either negatively or positively). Perhaps, it would be more difficult for outliers to meet someone special. After all, if outliers are located away from the masses, you wouldn’t expect them to meet anyone special so far away from the crowd. The question, I suppose, is whether I should move towards the “norm”. Considering the qualities that make me an outlier, should I really change and join the masses? More importantly, do I want to meet someone who is in the masses? Or do I hold out for someone who’s also an outlier?

—

The dating game can truly be funny. I always seem to find myself in situations where those that I want, I can’t have (or is it: I want those I can’t have??) whereas those who want me, well… I tend to find them unattractive.

I’m interested in a guy at the moment who is reticent about starting anything. Meanwhile, I have a guy who’s very attentive and who’s keen but I somehow find him too… “pedestrian”… Why is it that I frequently find myself in such diametrically opposed situations? Should I just decide to love someone who desires me, or do I hold out for someone with whom I am in love even though it would take ages to find him as we’re both outliers and the chances of that conjunction of factors is very low?

Music: chugging along happily but slowly running out of inner reserves...

Posted on January 2nd, 2006 by jl
Filed under: love | 3 Comments »

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