I’ve practically been living out of a suitcase for three months now. There were those two long-ish trips to Sydney in December 2005. Then the two-week trip to Kuala Lumpur in January. This month, February, I made two short trips to Sydney, the last being last weekend. And today, I’m packing up to travel to Sydney again, this time for a longer 10-day stay for the week leading up to Mardi Gras.

All this travelling, coming and going, working hard and playing hard are exhausting. When I complained about burning out, Cainer said, two days later, that: 

Life cannot be continually chaotic. Nor can it be perpetually predictable. In order to take us by surprise, it has to give us, for a while, an experience in which there are no surprises. Then, in order to make sure that we are surprised, it has to make sure that we remember how it feels to be stable. Thus, it turns up the heat and turns it back down again at periodic intervals. You have now had more than enough of a roller-coaster ride. You need and deserve a smooth, quiet glide on the monorail. And here it comes.

I hope that monorail ride comes soon… I’m not sure if I can pack another suitcase, suffer another surprise or work/play any harder for the moment. However, considering that the new man lives in Sydney, and considering that I’ve now discovered his “cranky streak”, I think I need to brace myself for yet more roller-coaster rides in life…

Posted on February 25th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 1 Comment »

How do you recognise it, if it’s love? And how do you know if love has come to you?

Is it love when:

• he calls you at least once a day;
• he makes me laugh;
• we miss being with each other physically every single day;
• he sends a text saying “Hey, just in case u aren’t intelligent enough to work this out … I LOVE U”;
• during a Skype video-conversation, he puts the microphone against the speakers and plays a song from the computer while we both look at each other, the song being “Rainbow Connections” rendered by karen Carpenter; or
• he sends me a text saying “Love u xoxox” right after a one hour long Skype video-chat?

Is it love if he is able to list down the qualities that he really likes about me? Or when he sees me as the bright spot in his life? Is it love when I’m very comfortable with him and we attain a certain level of intimacy with each other? Is it love when we both want the same things in life and are happy to give it a go together?

Or is it too early to be speaking of love? Perhaps, as my friend MD says, we use the word “love” early on because there isn’t a word that accurately describes the state we’re in - its more than just lust - it is much more rounded - but it is not quite yet love. It’s hard to think that “true” love, acceptance and mutual understanding will happen all that quickly but then what we have now is more than just physical attraction and simple friendship. As MD says, maybe we need a new word to bridge the gap - one that says less than love, but more than like.

Lovike? Likove?

Posted on February 23rd, 2006 by jl
Filed under: love | 6 Comments »

Remember that old adage, “be careful of what you wish for, it might come true”?

I’m beginning to have a spell of that…. I don’t want to go into details, for fear of tempting fate, but… after longing so much for so long to be a part of a relationship again, I suddenly find myself starting to mourn the loss of my single-life and my freedom, although nothing has developed to the irrevocable very serious stage as yet…

All of a sudden, I see flashing before me:

• my carefree existence of coming and going as I please;
• the right to sleep with whomever I want whenever I want for whatever flimsy reason I might have - or not, as the case may be;
• the pleasure of being in a “mood” and not having to explain myself;
• the pleasure of doing things and not having to worry about being questioned or chided;
• the freedom to be irresponsible and not having someone moralising over my shoulder;
• etc. etc.

All of a sudden… I am beginning to wonder how much I am giving up for what I may or may not get… Am I ready to let go of my recently rediscovered freedom of being single? Am I ready to plunge into another relationship? Am I ready to open my heart, let someone in and risk being wounded (again?)?

I’m not telling you what’s going on just yet… A successful presentation in the Department and love all in one week is just too good to be true… I do not want to tempt fate… I definitely do not want to risk the wrath of the Gods expressing their displeasure at my revelling in mine…!

So for now, let’s pretend nothing is happening…

Posted on February 20th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, blah blah, love | 1 Comment »

All of a sudden, there is everything and nothing ahead of me…

A year ago today, I arrived in Canberra, Australia to begin a PhD programme. I spent all year reviewing various literature in a broad area of interest in search of a research topic. I identified and worked on a couple that I had to drop before hitting on my third and now final topic. This “divine inspiration” didn’t appear until October 2005. For about three solid months, I did work that others generally do in six to nine months (at a leisurely pace). I produced an 8,500 word paper that was finally presented today to the Department. I passed. Apparently very well too.

All of a sudden there is a huge sigh of relief - a pregnant pause has suddenly given way to …. nothing!

I spent all year, hard at work on one thing and one thing alone - this paper. It was the focus of my life, my mind, my energies and most of my time. But now, all of a sudden, that purpose of life is gone! Taken away by its success. And it is replaced by nothingness… I have all evening and I’m wondering… what do I do with it?

However, there is everything ahead of me…

Now that the paper, which was a detailed research proposal, is done, I actually have to do the research! There is all this reading to do - canvassing yet more secondary literature, learning about the countries that I will be studying (Malaysia and Thailand), surveying related material and going over material that I had missed or didn’t have time for in the previous round - a new language (Thai) to learn, having more detailed discussions about my research and of course, the fieldwork itself! There is so much ahead of me - almost an avalanche of things to do. All very exciting but also very onerous… This is what will keep me occupied for the next two to three years of my life, financial resources permitting of course… ah yes, that is still an unresolved issue…

But for now, for this evening, there is nothing…

Posted on February 14th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | 2 Comments »

I think I’m on the road to burning out.

I have been back in Canberra/Australia for almost 10 days now and I’ve already met four new guys (in person), had sex with two of them, broke one guy’s heart, completed and edited (several times) an 8,000 word document, resumed my new-year-fitness regime, signed up to the university’s gym and made a short trip to Sydney.

I’ve had a burst of energy and optimism since October last year. My research work has been progressing superbly well since then. Interestingly, my energy for life was simultaneously expanding and my social life rose to new heights.

But things really reached new levels in December. Since then, I’ve been working long days, travelling a lot, meeting lots of people and doing far too many “social” things. I’ve effectively been working hard and playing hard with very little rest in between.

I’m beginning to feel a little unsettled. A little off keel. Unbalanced. Somewhere inside I know things aren’t quite right anymore but I can’t quite stop yet. I have another week in Canberra, in the middle of which is a major Departmental presentation, and then almost three weeks in Sydney for Mardi Gras. It’s still all systems go, go, go…

But I need to book myself into rehab soon… need to tend to that inner warning bell…

Posted on February 8th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: blah blah | 2 Comments »