… another year older.

I’m now in my mid-30s and I’ve only worked six years of full time employment. I’ve had more years of education and training than your average person. I’ve lived in four countries on three continents. I speak six different languages and am in the process of learning a seventh. I’ve travelled widely and have analysed my life to great depths but yet, I’m still not sure if I know what I want or where I am going. Although I think I have recently discovered a path that will take me down at least the next ten years in life, I’m still battling with many karmic struggles, not least of which is the question of major life-choices amidst a wide palette of options.

If at all there was a purpose in life, I think it is to work through our karmic struggles. I think mine are to learn “acceptance” and resist the urge to continuously “upgrade” and want for more. Related to this is the struggle to decide and choose among many of life’s options and to commit myself - wholeheartedly, consistently and continously - to a path once chosen.

Today, on my birthday, I’ve introduced yet another angst-ridden question into my life: do I commit myself to a man who is ridden with traits and “features” that are less than desirable, although he does have many traits that are good and much welcome, or do I throw in the towel and look for the “next best thing”, not knowing whether the “next best thing” exists out there or whether it will ever be the “last best thing” in my quest for ever more…

Posted on March 28th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 7 Comments »

I must say, I’ve never been happier with my body. I don’t think I’ve felt so good about how I look in years, nor been so narcisstic. Nevermind that I feel much healthier, I actually think I might fall in love with myself…! Never have I spent more time nor gawked more in front of the mirror…!

Of course, I’ve not always wanted to look like this… If anything, I was going in the opposite direction of the stereotypical buffed gym-bunny for a very long time. I’m a bit of a chameleon - I’ve gone through many “looks” in my brief life, some of which are contradictory to each other. This is probably just the latest in a series of transformations. God only knows what I will choose to look like ten years from now…

While all this gym work is producing some very desirable results, there are some physiological drawbacks too. Firstly, I noticed that my voice has gone down a register or two. Secondly, I’ve got more hair (re-)growth (all over my body, I might add…). Thirdly, I’m getting more pimples on my face - it’s like a second round of puberty. I suspect all this is attributable to the greater generation, release and flow of testosterone in my body. Of course, the other side effect of greater levels of testosterone concerns the level of sexual desires… but we shall not go there…!

Meanwhile, I’m enjoying one of the better effects of the gym work - the attention!

Posted on March 27th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Life's gay! | 7 Comments »

I made two observations during the recent Mardi Gras parade on the first weekend of March. Firstly, I was reminded of the wonderful diversity that exists within the gay community. Despite the prominence of certain stereotypes, there is truly great diversity amongst us - from preppy guys to S&M lovers, from gym bunnies to extra-large sizes, from mormons to raelian believers (yes, really!).

Secondly, the first observation notwithstanding, beauty is everything! EVERYTHING! It doesn’t matter how old you are or where your social status lies, if you are beautiful, you are everything in the gay world! You are the focus of attention, the belle of the ball - beauty gets you just about everything you could possibly want in the gay world, even love, or a shot at it at least…!

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I signed up to the uni gym earlier this year. It was one of my new year resolutions. The intention was not to build strength or muscles but to build a beautiful body. I decided after years of resistance that I was going to succumb to the gay stereotype - I would probably  be grateful for it when I am old and single (a beautiful body compensates for quite a lot in the gay world!). After all, I have everything else (intelligence, skills, talent, personality, charm etc.), why not throw in the kitchen sink as well?? The secondary goal was to increase my stamina, i.e. my overall fitness levels - for that I am spending some time on cardio-machines.

I paid for a consultation with a trainer and he designed a programme to meet my needs. It takes me anywhere between 90 minutes to two hours to complete, depending on how busy the gym is. I’ve been going dedicatedly three times a week for five weeks now. To speed things up, I’m taking protein supplements. I have two protein shakes on the days I go to the gym, and one on the other days of the week.

After five weeks, the results are starting to show - my body’s moving from lean to toned. Soon it will be considered “defined” if it’s not already - I think I am a third of the way to a cup “A”…! However, I am becoming thoroughly sick of drinking the protein shakes but it’s part of a regime and I’m determined to meet my goal. I try varying them with fresh fruits and juices but they are becoming a chore…

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Given the wave of gay men who signed up to the gym since the late 90s, there are a lot of scuplted bodies plying the streets these days, certainly in Sydney. With so many guys possessing the body beautiful, it’s become almost commoditised. We’re about at the point, if we’re not there already, where you’re expected to have a beautiful body if you want to “play”. Certainly many of us expect that to be the minimum “entry” requirement, and take it for granted. If that’s the case, what do we look for now to differentiate potential lovers? Personality and looks (facial and the other intangibles)!

Posted on March 23rd, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 5 Comments »

I wonder if everyone’s lives are equally coloured by their previous relationships.

I’ve been dating for the past year and a friend finally pointed out that the one thing I have constantly been doing in the last twelve months is look for flaws in every one of the guys I’ve dated. Not positive points but flaws. It’s as if after having come out of an eight-year relationship, I am assiduously trying to identify character traits or behaviour that didn’t work for me in my previous relationship and immediately discounting the potential that may or may not exist with any guy I was dating.

Perhaps it’s inevitable. Now that I’m beyond my twenties and I’ve been involved in one long-term relationship, the naivety of youthful first love is gone. At this stage of my life, maybe I would never fall irrationally head-over-heels in love anymore. Maybe the time is gone when I would commit myself to someone without questioning or analysing. The blissful ignorance that I use to have of the arduous road of relationships is now gone - forever. Time and experience have replaced that with lessons, rightly or wrongly, whether I like it or not. And these lessons are playing with my mind…

The second time around… I wonder if it’s always just that little bit more difficult or whether it is just me. I am somewhat hesitant and perhaps over-analysing but I am definitely putting up defences. He is a nice guy. I like him a lot… I may even love him. But I learnt in the past few years that “being nice” is not enough… and neither is “love”…

Friends tell me to “chill”, ”take it easy” and “enjoy the ride”. The point really is that at my age, I don’t have many more years to waste. These are probably some of the best years of my life and I want to share them with someone worthy, not just any man who will be out of my life in a few months, if not weeks… 

— 

Why is it that after cuddling someone, you are bathed in a wall of their scent for hours…?

Posted on March 12th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 2 Comments »