And the truth shall set you free…
See. This was the deal with the boyfriend: he had a few character and behavioural traits that I found difficult to live with and that I wasn’t sure, when combined with me, would be conducive to the making of a long term relationship. Moreover, they were the very same traits that the ex possessed, that I had previously found problematic, and that I decided I never wanted to live with again.
So I angst over it for a long while.
The boyfriend was otherwise perfectly “alright”. I found him attractive. We connected on a mental and, to an extent, intellectual level. He was obviously madly in love with me. And with the exception of those behavioural and character differences, we got on perfectly.
Hence, for a while there, I found it difficult to reconcile the ”good” and ”bad” of the relationship. They seemed to me to be on polar ends. On the other hand, at a rational level, it was obvious what the answer would be. However, it was difficult to accept a decision that would effectively mean ending a relationship for what could be considered, at some level, to be trivial reasons. That said, while I might have been “happy” to live with these “shortcomings” in a previous relationship, I’m not sure if I would want to do so again.
The boundaries between lands are clearer than the boundaries between ‘eras of time’. You know when you’ve crossed a national border. Currency that was acceptable, a few miles back, is worthless now. Language and culture is different too. Yet recall, for a moment, the ‘you’ that you used to be just a few short months ago. What if this ‘old you’ were to wander suddenly into your current world? There would be much that it couldn’t relate to or cope with. The current you will soon be an ‘old you’. This week’s conduction of Mars and Saturn suggests that you have come to the constructive end of a long, tiresome process.
Cainer, the week ahead for Aries
Then on Saturday morning, I discovered, albeit without his knowledge, that he had been less than honest with me about something. I’m not proud of what I had done to arrive at this discovery, but I nevertheless feel justified in hindsight. Two wrongs may not make a right and a just outcome may not justify a wrongful process but in my cluttered, clouded mind, this somewhat accidental discovery was important.
Is it better to do that right thing for the wrong reasons than to do the wrong thing for the right ones? A lot of course, depends on what the thing in question is. More still, depends on how right - or wrong those reasons are. Right and wrong are relative terms. They are expressions of a system of value judgements with several fundamental flaws. Who can really say what’s good or bad, right or wrong? Meanwhile, here’s today’s forecast. You are now doing the right thing… for all the right reasons.
Cainer, for Aries on Saturday
There really isn’t an overwhelmingly decisive reason. There are just a lot of little points of contention. But each little bit adds up. And I think the haystack has just tipped that little bit too far over one side now. So, although the matter over which he had been less than honest is ultimately unimportant to me, and although I still feel ambivalent about ending the relationship for “trivial” reasons, I think it is very much clearer in my mind, what the “right” course of action should be.
I should have listened to my intuition a few months back. In hindsight, there were certainly many signs pointing to these “problematic” areas. There were also events that practically screamed how “wrong” this was. But I guess I couldn’t stop hoping. The optimist in me prevailed and I wanted to give this relationship its fair chance. In the end, I should have known - if it doesn’t feel “right”, it probably isn’t… and no amount of hope or effort was going to change that.
I think I know exactly what it is I am looking for in a relationship at this point in my life. I think I know what I will or will not live with in that relationship. While past experience is all very well, and I don’t regret any of it, I think I know what it is I need now and in the future. Although my heart still clouds my better judgement sometimes, I think I need to let my mind take charge in my own best interests…
Big stuff is happening this weekend. It may not have official importance but it really matters. It is making a difference. It is changing a pattern. It is breaking new ground. Well, perhaps on reflection, it isn’t so much breaking new ground as securing existing territory. It is as if you have recently staked your claim to a particular place or space. Whether this has actually been challenged or you just fear that it is going to be questioned, you are on guard. Soon, though, you will gain much reassurance.
Cainer, for Aries on Friday
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Posted on June 18th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life, love | No Comments »
