I’m on a quest again… After tonight, I need something other than a Malay or a Chinese to make this trip very muhibbah…! Any volunteers…??!!!

Posted on August 16th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: aside | 1 Comment »

I learnt many years ago that friendships can be formed and lost quite easily. Durable friendships are rare and far between in life. I think I count maybe two or three in my orbit and even then the individuals occupying those positions have changed along the way.

It’s funny how most of our friendships are based on mutual experiences of mundane daily events and experiences and how that friendship quickly dissipates once our lives diverge and that shared experience no longer exists. There are few people in life with whom you would have deep and meaningful conversations. With most, our bonds are shared through talking shop or talking about daily activies.

It’s only when I move on from one “life situation” to another that I really begin to notice where each friend lies along the spectrum of casual acquaintance to hard friendship. My return to KL recently is one such example. I’m finding that there are a large number of individuals with whom I just can’t be bothered to make the effort to meet. I really don’t know what I would say to them and I can easily imagine the conversation petering out within 10 minutes after we quickly catch up on what each of us have been doing since we last met. It’s moments like these that I quickly realise how little I share with some people, how little our values and interests overlap and how little we really know of each other. And when I count, how small the number of individuals with whom I really want to spent much time.

Posted on August 12th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 13 Comments »

I’m in a very funny funk at the moment. I’m feeling particularly low in a way that is more disturbing than depressing. I think it’s due to a combination of factors but everything has to do with being in Kuala Lumpur.

While the work that I am doing here in KL got off to a good start last week, the pace has died down considerably this week. I’m hoping that it will pick up again very soon, as in the next day or so, or I will be very anxious. There’s a lot riding on the work that I am doing here and “failure” will have huge repercussions.

Although I realised this when I was in KL in January, it’s hit me again - I have very few friends left in this city that I really want to see. There are very few individuals here for whom I can be bothered to make an effort to meet up. Most people I know have turned into what I guess one would call an “acquaintance” - someone you know but share very little with. Hello and goodbye.

Then, there’s the city itself. It’s a graveyard of memories. A maze of roads with emotional bumps where the next corner could mean an accident from the past. I sometimes catch myself walking around in a very tensed state of being, wary of what could happen… I think I might still be grieving for what once was… I’m not sure if I could ever really live in this city again.

It occurred to me the other day - I’m like a stranger in a familiar city, and that’s worst than being a stranger in a strange city. At least in the latter, you would expect to be a stranger. At the moment, I’m like a spirit of a body that has died, caught in between two worlds.

Finally, when you throw in the haze that plagues KL at the moment, I really, really miss the clear blue sunny sky of Canberra right now. I wanna go home.

Posted on August 8th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life, work | No Comments »

It’s less than 24 hours before I board a plane to return to Kuala Lumpur. I’m anxious and reticient about this trip but I also know, that it will be the beginning of the next chapter of my new life.

I’ve put this trip off twice now. The first time I moved it from June to end of July because I needed more time to prepare for it - I’ve spent the last three months or so working really hard to get ready for what is essentially a work trip.  The second time, I pushed it back by four days for several small reasons that alone wouldn’t be sufficient to make the change but together made better justification although one of those reasons is a rather trivial but emotionally rewarding one - I’ve been following this year’s Australian Big Brother for 100 days now and I wasn’t going to miss the finale by three days! I thought I would be leaving on a super-high but my favourite contestant did not win - nevertheless, the last three days of this show has been great and I’m ending this chapter of my stay in Australia on a relatively good note.

However… I’m anxious and apprehensive about this trip. Two reasons. Firstly, where work is concerned, I’m not sure if I will be able to accomplish what I need to do in order to move the research project forward - and I really, really need to move the project forward. Secondly, although it’s been almost two years since it ended, and although I’ve somewhat moved on emotionally, I’m still haunted by the relationship that I left behind in Kuala Lumpur. There is still the fear that I will bump into him around the next corner and always the knowledge that memories lie scattered throughout the city.

This will be a long trip - I will be away for almost 3 months, about half that time will be spent in KL. I wished I didn’t have to go. I wished the work would come to me instead. Alas… no.

On the eve of this long journey, I realise how much, in the last 18 months, Canberra has become home and Kuala Lumpur just another place I visit. I’m looking forward to seeing some good friends again - and my best mate in Malaysia will meet me at the airport - but I know that I will miss walking out into the brilliant sunsets every evening. I will miss the easy, comfortable life of Canberra. I will miss my cosy flat. And I will miss the security of my little nook here - my home.

Posted on August 1st, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life | 1 Comment »