I’m in a very funny funk at the moment. I’m feeling particularly low in a way that is more disturbing than depressing. I think it’s due to a combination of factors but everything has to do with being in Kuala Lumpur.

While the work that I am doing here in KL got off to a good start last week, the pace has died down considerably this week. I’m hoping that it will pick up again very soon, as in the next day or so, or I will be very anxious. There’s a lot riding on the work that I am doing here and “failure” will have huge repercussions.

Although I realised this when I was in KL in January, it’s hit me again - I have very few friends left in this city that I really want to see. There are very few individuals here for whom I can be bothered to make an effort to meet up. Most people I know have turned into what I guess one would call an “acquaintance” - someone you know but share very little with. Hello and goodbye.

Then, there’s the city itself. It’s a graveyard of memories. A maze of roads with emotional bumps where the next corner could mean an accident from the past. I sometimes catch myself walking around in a very tensed state of being, wary of what could happen… I think I might still be grieving for what once was… I’m not sure if I could ever really live in this city again.

It occurred to me the other day - I’m like a stranger in a familiar city, and that’s worst than being a stranger in a strange city. At least in the latter, you would expect to be a stranger. At the moment, I’m like a spirit of a body that has died, caught in between two worlds.

Finally, when you throw in the haze that plagues KL at the moment, I really, really miss the clear blue sunny sky of Canberra right now. I wanna go home.

Posted on August 8th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Remnants of a Previous Life, work