friendships
I learnt many years ago that friendships can be formed and lost quite easily. Durable friendships are rare and far between in life. I think I count maybe two or three in my orbit and even then the individuals occupying those positions have changed along the way.
It’s funny how most of our friendships are based on mutual experiences of mundane daily events and experiences and how that friendship quickly dissipates once our lives diverge and that shared experience no longer exists. There are few people in life with whom you would have deep and meaningful conversations. With most, our bonds are shared through talking shop or talking about daily activies.
It’s only when I move on from one “life situation” to another that I really begin to notice where each friend lies along the spectrum of casual acquaintance to hard friendship. My return to KL recently is one such example. I’m finding that there are a large number of individuals with whom I just can’t be bothered to make the effort to meet. I really don’t know what I would say to them and I can easily imagine the conversation petering out within 10 minutes after we quickly catch up on what each of us have been doing since we last met. It’s moments like these that I quickly realise how little I share with some people, how little our values and interests overlap and how little we really know of each other. And when I count, how small the number of individuals with whom I really want to spent much time.
Posted on August 12th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!
I feel much the same as you.
I’ve long decided that it’s because a great majority of people have no interest in any topic that doesn’t have a direct impact on their lives. So outside of talking shop and the me-universe, there is nothing left. And we’re left bemoaning the lack of depth.
When we stop searching for happiness outside ourselves, home is everywhere.
Hmmmm… Is it a case of others not being interested in what we are interested in? Or of us not being interested in what others are indulging in? It can’t be that any of us are so unique and outcast that no one else is travelling towards the same direction, right?
…cos you know, if we “can’t be bothered to make the effort”, then why should others? Maybe they too are having the same thoughts about us and how disinterested we seem in their personal undertakings. Perhaps we too do not make the cut as one of the “few people in life with whom (they) would have deep and meaningful conversations…”
I think a more productive point of view is to ask ourselves: how have we contributed to the people around us? How can we enhance our role as fellow humanbeing. There are many ways to make life worthier and to make the world a better place. A non-productive way is to publish a post declaring how circumstances are less than ideal.
(I know it’s your blog and all that, but I respect educated persons like your good self and at the same time think that you can do more with your blog than lamenting about the state of matters.)
miedae - i appreciate your comments and i don’t think your observations are incorrect, however, note how the post was formulated. i was not saying that “i am not interested in others” or that “others are not interested in me” - i am merely making an observation of fact and the fact is that whichever way the direction of causality, the shared interest does not overlap.
on your last comment, i will only say that this blog serves particular purposes and that does not include having to “be productive” - i do that in other ways…
happy reading!
Gosh…a voice intoned in my head “You can make a difference!!!” after reading miedae’s comment.
I thought the point was that there was nothing left to talk about AFTER catching up with the stuff in each other’s lives?
So the “how disinterested we seem in their personal undertakings” bit isn’t the issue at all.
Thanks Jikon for your feedback. What I’ve always appreciate about you is your honesty about your experiences; and that you always note your observations first and are often genuinely curious enough to mull in your circumstances until you discover or figure out a way of making things work, in YOUR terms. I appreciate the fact that you understand that I am not attacking your point of view and that you are comfortable enough to listen and take in another perspective, regardless of how your stance is affected (or not).
I suppose I’m just wondering: if we are truly interested–in a meaningful way–in what we or anyone else is doing, with Life itself, and what more we can do–then where do we draw the line between catching up and the other ‘deeper’ things to talk about? Is it that we have yet to delve into the art of extending the conversation towards a deeper level? Even if we want something deeper, it is still related to the me-universe. The me-universe is not as shallow as it sounds…unless the way we conduct the catching up is just a rhetorical sharing of superficial what-I’ve-been-up-to facts. One’s me-universe is all one has. It has everything to do with ‘me’. What we want, what we think, what we make of everything, as individuals.
I commend individuals like you and spot who want something more, and I offer it as a compliment to say this: what you have described is not as good as it gets. I believe there are more people like you out there. Only that perhaps you have yet to bump into enough of them. (If I don’t believe in the existence of others like you two, then it also means that I find you guys superficially superior…which is not the way I see you at all.)
Rather, I’m of the opinion that perhaps it’s a matter of persistently doing our part towards personal goals that will naturally lead us into the presence of similarly-minded people who are also seeking a more meaningful existence…AS OPPOSED TO attributing it to the fact that ‘a great majority of people have no interest in any topic that doesn’t have a direct impact on their lives’, etc.
Finally, I’d like to add, the wanting to make a difference doesn’t warrant sarcasm or mocking. One can choose to be less optimistic about the state of the universe, but the not believing in being able to make a difference doesn’t necessarily make another individual’s point any less valid.
Thanks for your comments.
oh god miedae… this is far too dense for me to read at this hour… i’ll process it tomorrow when i am wide awake and fully conscious and get back to you - thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. it’s much appreciated.
Miedae - It’s too bad you choose to bristle at my observation on the motivational nature of your first comment. Call it sarcasm or mocking if you wish, I intended it to be a nutshell, and a pretty accurate one.
Strange also that you expect others to take your “gentle” admonitions in the spirit of intellectual discourse yet you don’t appear able to reciprocate the same courtesy yourself.
I didn’t think it necessary earlier to go into an oblique Elizabethan dance of challenge and deference but since that appears to be the preferred mode of communication…
I have no doubt of the validity of your points about personal goals, enhancing self-development and what not. Motivational speakers wouldn’t be laughing all the way to the bank otherwise.
However, your motivational spiel is irrelevant because you misapprehend the whole point of JL’s post (as I see it), just like you misapprehend my intent to summarise.
I certainly don’t speak for JL. I never saw this feeling that he describes as a superiority thing. I have no quarrel with your contention that nobody is unique…I merely thought it unnecessary to state the obvious, i.e. that the concept of majority naturally presumes the existence of a minority. Nobody here is bewailing that “I am so awesomely unique, nobody understands meâ€, so really…parallel tracks, never the two shall meet.
The context of JL’s post is that vis-à -vis one’s friends, it is unfortunate that these friends share little interests other than those common ones that gave rise to the bond of friendship in the first place. Simple as that. As immediate as that.
For me, I just lament the fact that my friends are so wrapped up in their lives that they simply are unable to have an opinion on say something as general as “Gosh, I wonder why people continue to live in the Tornado Alley in the US, given the obvious risks†and respond instead with “Tornado Alley? Where’s that city? Is it where that Hurricane Katherine happened?â€.
Or trying to have a discussion about the history of the Middle East (like way back to the time of the Roman Empire) on a level less superficial than saying “Oh that Lebanon thing..yeah, so terrible. My shares are doing so badly on the stock market.”
Jikon made a post. It triggered a few curious questions in my head. So I responded.
“Is it a case of (this or that)…?”
“I suppose I’m just wondering:…”
“Is it that…?”
“I’m of the opinion that perhaps…”
…and they were deemed as a challenge to the person’s stance or an accusation of superiority?? After Jikon responded by clarifying that, “on your last comment, i will only say that this blog serves particular purposes and that does not include having to “be productive†- i do that in other ways…”, I did not pursue the ‘do the right thing’ point and merely expressed my view that it’s a matter of time before you find more like-minded people if you stay true to your heart.
You were, and are, completely free to say, “I disagree/ I don’t think so/ The way I see it…” and further elaborate as you saw fit.
And since you have clarified that you had not intended to mock, I honestly don’t have a problem with any aspect of your post. Thanks for elaborating on your take anyway.
Sorry JL to hijack. It’s a slow day at work
miedae - Those preambles? The florid redundance? Passive aggresive. Like how “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” usually signals a completely opposite intent.
goodness - the two of you… honestly…!
firstly, apologies for the delay in replying - i’ve just been very exhausted lately and my brain can’t function intellectually beyond thinking about the work i am currently doing, so I’ve not been reading this comments properly.
but i now have and without wanting to pick details - which i don’t think is helpful - my sense is that the three of us don’t really have major differences in points of view. i think where we differ right now is in our level or perspective of argument, i.e. we might be talking at different levels right now. i’m tending towards the more descriptive whereas miedae is delving into the more philosophical.
i don’t really disagree with much of what’s been said - i think in the end, given that the discussion is mostly about what should be, rather than what is, then in the final analysis, it is up to the individual to do what s/he feels is right for his/her life.
HAHA oh spot, sounds like an admission that you read the words as I wrote them and decided on your own accord that I actually mean something else!
Oh well, we read what we are.
Goodness- the two of us….honestly!
Pardon JK, and yes I’m done here.
Tough Lessons Learnt The Hard Way…
From the School of Hard Knocks, came the following lessons, learnt the painful way:
1. Choose your confidantes carefully
You may have ten close friends who you trust absolutely but not all of them can be your confidante for all of your worries or issue…