awake but asleep

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep.

Rather than toss and turn pointlessly in bed,
I got up, turned on the lights and cut my nails instead. I decided the last toe-nail on my left foot is fucked - it’s very ugly.

My mind is still whirring a zillion times a second. I wished it would stop.

I’m almost all packed. It looks like I may get away with taking all that I want to bring back to Australia and still meet the weight restrictions, albeit through some crafty circumvention.

The weather’s apparently somewhat variable in Australia at the moment - the seasons are achanging. It will be chilly on Monday morning when I arrive in Sydney but apparently we should have 27C in Canberra on Tuesday. Nice.

22 more hours till my flight departs Kuala Lumpur.

Why does time pass even slower the closer you are to your target?

No one on my messenger list is awake and online.

I took an herbal sleeping tablet. It should kick in soon…

I think I’ll play a game of Zuma until then.

  

Posted on October 22nd, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, VivaVoce | 3 Comments »

at last…!

Just when I thought it would never happen, I have finally, finally … finally …. conducted my last research-related interview. After weeks of agonising anticipation and endless insanity-inducing moments, this has finally arrived.

Sadly I can’t say I’m actually heaving a huge sigh of relief yet. I don’t know why though… Perhaps it’s because while the work is done (at least at this stage), I’m still living out of a suitcase. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve started thinking about structuring the information I gathered over the last 12 weeks, an exercise that will have to begin within the next two or three weeks. Perhaps, after living and working at such a “heightened” level of being for such a long time, it will take more than an hour or a day to decompress and actually breath “normally” again.

I’m really looking forward to going back to Canberra and Australia, both for all the “right” and “wrong” reasons. I’m quite excited about picking through the results of my fieldwork, structuring the material and starting to draft the thesis. I’m really excited about the onset of Summer Down Under and having long hot, but dry, sunny days in Canberra, hopefully sunning in a cafe or on a lawn. I can’t wait to sleep on my own bed again, have showers in my own lovely little bathroom, make lattes from my own espresso machine or just “be” in a space that is comfortably and familiarly mine. And then… there are… the men…

Coming back to the present, the fieldwork has been good in many ways, but that’s a post for another time when I am more relaxed and feel more inclined to be reflective and generously positive about the last 12 weeks (that’s a quarter of a whole year!!) of my life. Meanwhile, I’ll point you to this other view of the experience fieldwork that isn’t too different from mine - read it here.

—

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
- “The Blower’s Daughter”, Damien Rice 

—

There’s nothing like a series of religious festivities and spending 20-minutes circling in the carpark of a shopping centre (1Utama) to remind me that it really is time to go. The alternative to spending my penultimate day in a shopping centre (albeit only to sit in a cafe and surf the internet) is to stay indoors with no television, no (real) internet access and nothing to do in my mum’s house. The very few I would want to spend time with are either fasting (because it’s ramadhan), on their way back to their “hometown”, or already celebrating (Deepavali) with their family.

Only one more sleep now… and then, it will be well and truly over… for now anyway.

  

Posted on October 21st, 2006 by jl
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Goodbye Bangkok…

After weeks of agonising, I’ve finally come to the end… well, just about.Yesterday, I sent a 25kg box full of academic books and material, dirty laundry and some clothes (that I wouldn’t need until I arrive back in Canberra) via UPS to Australia. Then, I went to Thammasat University, returned materials that I had borrowed and cleared the office that was mine for the last six weeks. I returned the office keys and walked out into a pleasant Bangkok evening crowned by an orange glow of the setting sun in the horizon.

I conducted a couple more interviews this morning and tomorrow afternoon, I board a flight that will take me to Kuala Lumpur.

Seven days ago, I was on the verge of going barmy. I was struggling with exhaustion, both physical and mental. I could feel the onset of a cold that I managed to nip in the bud with ibuprofen and cough medication (though I still have a sniffly nose and flammy throat). I was going bonkers in a bubble-world where I couldn’t read or understand the local language. And most of all, I was missing friends and loved ones.

This past week in Bangkok has been more bearable thanks to the arrival of a best friend. He added colour, cheer and company to my life. I haven’t had silly laughs in such a long time, nor bitching about poor unsuspecting passerbys. I almost forgot what it was like to talk to someone who’s on a similar wavelength and not have to spell every word, cross every “t” or dot every “i”. We’ve been shopping, dining, having coffee, reading newspapers over breakkie… This is what fieldwork should be like…! Not the gruelling, psychologically torturous and isolated working environment that I had to endure in the previous five weeks…

I will of course miss some aspects of my time in Bangkok. I shall miss being able to change my wardrobe and avoid doing laundry thanks to cheap clothing in the markets. I shall miss the photocopy service at Thammasat. I shall miss the coffee stand in front of the faculty where my office is located. I shall miss the motorcycle-service that allows me to avoid having to walk in the heat. I shall miss good cheap food, just not the pork. And I shall miss the wonderful civil-servants who were happy to chat openly and frankly with me on sensitive issues.

However, I will not miss the heat, not understanding the local language, the submissively compliant masses (over-socialised perhaps?), the racist gay community (that’s a post for another time), the wai-ing (that’s the Thai “salutation” given by putting your palms together to your face and then bowing ever so slightly), and the constant ka-ing and krap-ping (grammatical articles used in the Thai language as signs of politeness). These… I will be glad to leave behind.

That said, I have, in general, had a rather good, productive and interesting (remember the coup?) fieldtrip in Bangkok. But I am glad that I now have only one more week in Kuala Lumpur, albeit a somewhat busy one, before finally, finally, heading home…

  

Posted on October 13th, 2006 by jl
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