i’m thinking this is one of those periods in life where if you have nothing good to say… best to say nothing. i need a break and thank god i had the foresight (purely accidental of course) to book an extended weekend away to sydney beginning this evening…

Posted on November 30th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: aside | No Comments »

IBM: and yr datng?
me: i’m not dating anymore
IBM: ah. ok
me: yeah.. it just wasn’t working for me with that guy
IBM: so you told him
me: no. i haven’t but i will when i next see him unless he brings it up over the phone before we meet next. but i have made up my mind.
me: i gave it a try - and it really wouldn’t work. and i met someone else who showed me what it is that i really am looking for…
IBM: oh someone else! gosh u do well
IBM: one done and one on the boil
me: ah.. but i’m not dating this someone else at all…
me: and in fact, he’s not even looking for a LTR right now…

—

me: pashing is not sex right?
mjd: good god no
mjd: and who exactly did u pash, oh great slutty one
me: the married man
mjd: oh tut a rama
me: but you should be impressed with my self restraint
mjd: oh i am
me: good

—

me: i’m in a funny place today.
IBM: wheres that
me: i don’t know… somewhere between grumpy and tired, between indifferent and depressed and betweeen normal and cynical
IBM: u need a break in Sydney. and a couple of cleansing dips in the ocean. followed by seafood and good wine. and stimulating conversation
me: actually… what i want right now is to jump off a high cliff into the ocean and then rise above the surface of the water and scream my lungs out and then have someone hug me while i dry off and watch the sun set
IBM: hmm… a guys heart is a deep ocean
me: what’s that cryptic statement supposed to mean…
IBM: yr feeling mirrors yr heart

—

me: that universal law is true - the sharpei doesn’t get me and i don’t get Mr IBM
me: although we do have a dinner date on friday - he’s not looking for a relationship right now since he’s only just come out of one which makes sense
mjd: true
me: but that’s probably why i’m attracted to him - my inner genetic code probably detected that he’s either (a) bad for me or (b) unavailable and hence put the “I LIKE/LOVE HIM” process in motion!

 

Posted on November 27th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | No Comments »

Questions I would like to run by potential boyfriends, organised according to loose categories but in no particular order:

GAY-NESS

• Are you a top/bottom/versatile or do you not do anal-sex?
• Are you out? How out are you? Do your parents know?
• Are you comfortable holding hangs/cuddling/kissing in public?

RELATIONSHIP

• Have you ever been in a relationship before? How many? How long was the longest?
• What’s your view on monogamy?
• What’s your view on open-relationships?
• What sort of a relationship do you want?
• What sort of a partner are you looking for?
• What’s your view on marriage/long-term relationship?

and finally…

• Why choose me? 

Girlfriends… trust me. You all have it so much easier!

—

I’ve just finished reading Timothy Conigrave’s “Holding the Man” for the second time (I first read it about 5 or 6 years ago). It reminded me far too much, in essence but not in fact, of my now-ended relationship with A. And it reminded of all the risks one is exposed to when one loves openly, selflessly and totally - I am both frightened of and attracted to it all at the same time, like a fly to fire…

I cried (again!) towards the end of the book - it is a beautiful… nay, gorgeous love story. 

Love is a double-edged sword.

—

I wished I was 17 and falling in love for the first time again with all the naivety and ignorance of not just life but also the gay world and its dynamics…

Posted on November 18th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay! | 3 Comments »

While my mate has discovered menopause, I think I’m beginning to get an idea of what it must be like to suffer from post-natal depression.

I’ve been back in Australia for almost four weeks now (three and a half to be precise) and I haven’t done much of anything that is remotely related to work, and consequently related to the main purpose of my being here. I just haven’t been able to summon the energy for all the exertion that’s required in work-related activity. In fact, I dare say that I just haven’t had the interest in my work at all since I returned from the field. All I’ve been doing is spring-cleaning (my music library, my emails, my flat), reading novels and meeting friends for coffee (and even then, there is only a handful of individuals I can be bothered to make arrangements to see). The only real effort I’ve made in the last few weeks has been in my gym routine.

I was looking back at my notes from the fieldwork today. All the energy, focus and enthusiasm I had then, while in Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur, flashed through my mind as I flipped through the pages, but simultaneously, I know, I just know, there is no way that I will perform at that level for the next few weeks, if not months - at least! But yes, at least I was looking at my notes… and that is a start however paltry it might be especially since the day was overshadowed by more coffee drinking, novel reading and mindless internet surfing.

I do think I’ve been either “depressed” or completely deflated since coming back. It wasn’t until the last couple of days that I’ve started to think about work, and even then only minimally. I’ve been nurturing and working at this fieldwork for about nine months from February to October, at first slowly and lightly, and then increasingly more focussed and intense… then all of a sudden, it’s over… and I jump on an eight hour flight across balmy ASEAN and leave it all behind! Nine months of hell had come and gone and I don’t ever want to see them again!

Sadly, as with most pregnancies, the pregnancy itself is probably the easy bit. It’s what comes after that that is frighteningly time- and energy-consuming, not to mention emotionally draining. So after nine months of hell, all one has to look forward to is… yet more hell! As such, are you surprised I’m depressed and not the least bit motivated right now?

Posted on November 16th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, VivaVoce | 3 Comments »

The weather’s been very variable in the past ten days. It’s been chilly and wet one day, then cloudy and windy the next. We also had sunny but chilly days, and yesterday, we were hit with a 30C day that was sunny, hot and windy. To top it off, today started off wet and chilly with promises of more rain and snow later in the week! It’s probaby the effect of spring-time here in Australia and change is in the air.

—

Australia is a small (we’re not talking about geographical mass here) quiet country. Canberra is a small town. It doesn’t take much to create excitement here… The extension to the shopping centre located in the “heart” of Canberra is probably one of the biggest and most exciting things to have happened since… oh, sliced-bread? We’ve now actually got a decent bookshop in the city (Borders) and finally some really “exciting” shops (Mecca Cosmetics, FCUK, L’Occitane and a few others).

I’m not an American and I don’t really want to comment on domestic politics but I have to say that I’m quite pleased to see that even the Americans have finally come to their senses about the problems of the current U.S. administration.

I’ve worn my hair with a number 3 or 4 cut for most of last year… I think it’s time I grew it out again, though only just a bit. I’m thinking cancer-victim survivor look, a la Kylie?!?

It’s amazing what three times a week on the weigh-machines at the gym and daily protein supplements can do… ah… change…

—

I’ve decided to that it’s time I dated a man that is “right” for me, rather than a man that I think is “right”. It’s time I broke the endless vicious cycle of drama, emotional and psychological torment and changed my pattern of (love-)life. 

Change is good.

Posted on November 13th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 1 Comment »