I think somehow, somewhere along the way, I’ve been programmed to go out with Mr Wrongs.

I find myself constantly attracted to men who are for one very good reason or another just not right for me, or anybody else for that matter: either they’re married, psychologically imbalanced, completely immature, pathological liars or they possess any number of other character traits that at first seem completely innocuous.

In a fit of home psycho-analysis, a friend of mine reckons that it’s got something to do with my relationship with my father, i.e. the freudian approach, or something do with with my childhood. Perhaps she has a point, to an extent but only just to an extent. This doesn’t explain why all these “wrong” men are also attracted to me, like a bee to honey or fly to fire. I can be standing passively and the guys who actively approaches me would in most cases turn out to be wrong, very wrong! It’s as if I’m a homing beacon to all the wrong men of the world! Perhaps it’s karma… or genetic programming… or fate!

Maybe I need to something actively about it. Perhaps I need to recognise the situation and re-programme myself to go out with Mr Rights. However, ironically, the way this works, if they are “right”… I just don’t find them attractive. If I went out with the “right” ones, I would probably soon find them dull, boring and very uninteresting. Perhaps it’s the bad boy in them that does it for me…

I had a revelation on Saturday night. I was having a long conversation with the ex and something finally clicked in my head. The guy who looks really good on paper and who would make a “perfect husband” might not “do” anything for me but at least he wouldn’t screw me up, fuck me around, suck my emotions dry or break my heart. Perhaps I should break the pattern and go out with Mr Right for once. Perhaps he’s just what I need, if only for right now. Perhaps I might even find him attractive one day. Perhaps… attraction is overrated…?!?

However… just as I had about settled on this decision… something else dawned on me. If I’m a beacon to all the wrong men of the world, and if Mr Right is attracted to me then what exactly is wrong with Mr Right?!?!

Am I stuck in a tautological existence?!?

Posted on November 6th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life! | No Comments »

I’ve been back in Australia for almost two weeks now. It seems as if I never left.

It’s so good to see a clear blue sky (almost every day) and to breath clean fresh air (sometimes scented with eucalyptus even) instead of the haze infested toxicity of Kuala Lumpur or the eau-de-drainage that permeates Bangkok. I’ve also re-embraced the orderliness that is Australia without it bordering on the clinical that is Singapore.

I took one week off for a self-indulgent trip to Sydney where I pretty much did nothing but lounged about in cafes and restaurants with a novel or a man to entertain me. The other week was spent clearing administrative matters with the Department, catching up with friends and rediscovering Canberra now that a brand new extension to the city’s main shopping centre is in the process of being opened. It takes a while to get back into the swing of daily life…

I haven’t really spent any time reflecting on the fieldtrip (and the information that I gathered) but I already fear the next one that I will have to do in mid-2007. While the work that I was doing was interesting and exciting, being away wasn’t all that fun. I didn’t like living out of a suitcase for almost three months and I certainly didn’t enjoy being in cities that were tiring and wearing. I think I’m over exploring new places on my own and I’m definitely over travelling “rough”. Perhaps it’s a sign of age, but at this moment in my life, I just want an easy, comfortable, somewhat predictable life, preferably spent with people I know and like and with whom not everything has to be explained or said…

I am getting old, huh…??!?

Posted on November 4th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, VivaVoce | 2 Comments »

I just realised a couple of days ago that I will be 35 in under 6 months… maybe that’s why my biological clock started ticking a few weeks ago…

I suffered panic attacks and an overall sense of desperation last week. I reckon that if i don’t settle into a relationship soon, I’ll never settle into one. The pool gets smaller and smaller the older you get, especially for gay men. As it is the pool is small enough: gay men my age are far too busy building a career to date, let alone maintain a relationship; gay men in the fourties would rather date hot, virile, youthful twenty-somethings; the twenty-somethings are far too young and immature for my liking - I don’t think they really know what they want and they are still in the stage of life where they are exploring and experimenting - whereas the fifty-somethings are either over the idea of relationships (because they’ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt) or are just not date-able! And let’s not even consider the sixty-somethings…

—

I was in Sydney the last few days. I needed a break from life and also some attention from men. I juggled between four men over 6 days.

I met up with a lawyer who turned out to be a jerk and very screwed up (and we don’t mean physically). He was living with (fucking?) a twenty-something the last couple of months and he wondered why the boy wouldn’t stop trying to change him. He had no respect for others’ time - he was frequently late, or a complete no-show, and doesn’t stop to think about alerting others in advance. He also had a very childish and selfish nature (which I discovered in the course of talking to him about the twenty-something boy).

I also caught up with a guy I had met a few months back, the engineer. We had coffee and he gave me a ride back to Canberra at the end of my Sydney-visit. I think he finds me attractive and I like him - he can be quite charming - but I wasn’t in the mood for casual sex and I suspect he was a bit disappointed with that… He has said he didn’t want to commit to anything serious at this point in his life.

Then there was the shar-pei (don’t ask!). This one is complicated… We’ve known each other since March and we’ve been seeing each other (platonically) on and off, however, the last week really topped it - we saw each other practically every day: for lunch, for coffee, for dinner. We even made out in Darling Harbour…! He’s a really, really nice guy and on paper, he would make the “perfect husband” but… but… no matter how much I give it a go, I just don’t feel any sparks. He’s not ugly but I just don’t find him attractive. I just don’t feel any urge to have his babies…!

And then there was the consultant…! I met him for the first time last week. We had been chatting for ages on MSN and we finally met. And I was smitten. He’s not gorgeous but he was quite sexy in many ways… but I immediately killed my desires for him. Why? Because of the cardinal law of the universe: guys you like, you will never get! We did have “sex” though (that’s if you call the absence of penetration “sex”), but I know nothing will come of this… because the cardinal law of the universe says so… see what’s happening to poor shar-pei…!

—

I’m going to die a spinster…

Posted on November 3rd, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 2 Comments »