This last week, I re-learned what it was like to enter into a relationship and open yourself up to be hurt and heart-broken. Possibly the biggest risk one takes when first we fall in love is to have your emotions affected by someone else.

In the last couple of days, I re-experienced, on a smaller scale, the trauma I felt when my last big relationship ended. Perhaps I needed reminding how painful and debilitating breaking up can be… perhaps, the lesson to be learned is that now is not a good time to be entering into relationships, not until the thesis is submitted.

So, welcome single-hood and sluttiness…

—

I rang in the New Year alone in Sydney last year, but on a high that was carried by an internal dynamic of happiness and lightness of spirit. Thiis year, I’m ringing in the New Year alone again but in Canberra and on a low - progress on work is shite, my personal life is back in the troughs and the weather is as variable as it can possibly get.

In hindsight, 2006 was a good year - for once in a very long time, I was happy but happy no because of what was happening externally to me but because of what was happening internally. I wonder if events on New Year’s eve are emblematic of what 2007 will be like…

—

Nor should you worry about any other problem that looks as if it is casting a shadow over your ability to enjoy life in 2007. Although it does look as if some key arrangement or structure in your life is starting to collapse, it is actually just rearranging itself in a positive way. Though, lately, things have been very tense. They are about to become very wonderful. 2007 is due to be genuinely joyous.
- Cainer, for Aries today

Posted on December 31st, 2006 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | No Comments »

Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
the way I do when I’m lying in the dark
and the world is asleep
And the road to darkness has a way
of always knowing my name
– Pink, “Nobody Knows”

Posted on December 29th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: aside | 2 Comments »

I never thougth I’d use this particular phrase to describe a personal relationship… but with the guy I’m dating right now (GJA), I’ve discovered we have epistemological differences!

“What the fuck…!?! What’s epistemolo… what?!?” you might ask…?!?

Epistemology is the branch of Western philosophy that studies the nature and scope of knowledge and belief, in other words, how we know what we know. [For more, go to wikipedia]

How does that relate to a personal relationship, any personal relationship, let alone mine, you might ask…?!??

I think most of us function on very different levels of logic, some more develop than others, some more intuitive than others, and some more rational than others. While differences in levels of logic lie along a continuum, in a relationship, a rather interesting dynamic arises when two people with very different levels come together. I think that’s what’s happening with me right now…

GJA and I had a major disagreement today, while munching on a cheap food court lunch I might add… In the course of a discussion of whether Canberra is a “closetted” society, he contended that I am intolerant of differences of opinion whereas I asserted that whereas I am very happy to accept differences of opinion, I am rather less enthused about faulty logic that lie behind said opinions. He failed to see the difference between logic and a preference/opinion; and I failed in convincing him of the significant difference between the two. He then went on to accuse me of over-analysing and of wanting to argue to death. This went on for a while… before we agreed that we both operate on very different levels and that we’d never find a common ground on which to conclude the discussion.

In many ways what’s happening here is the result of our different levels of intellectual ability, education, training, social background and personal life experiences. I have an ability, both trained and inate, to identify logical (in)consistencies in viewpoints and arguments, both of others and of my own. He suffers from the sort of myopia that one attributes to the chattering classes. I know that this will come across as condescension but fact is, that’s how things are and while I can see things from his point of view, he (currently) lacks the ability to see mine. We have very different ways of “producing knowledge”, hence the epistemological differences.

So what I’m left with, if I want to maintain this relationship, is to either attempt to educate (correct?) him (and very possibly frustrate myself in the process) or as a friend advised, “learn to operate on a lesser level and let things slide sometimes.”

*sigh*

Posted on December 27th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: love | 7 Comments »

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks… It’s certainly been busy… I’ve had to attempt (that being the operative word) making progress on work (i.e. research for the Ph.D.), I’ve had a series of socials (coffees, dinners, films with mates) to attend (it is the silly season), and I went away to Sydney for yet another long weekend…!!!

I’m pleased to say that things are progressing with GJA… I don’t want to jinx it but things are going really well. We talk on the phone for about an hour or more everyday. He says all the right things and puts on the right moves. We get along easily and well. It feels good being with him. And he’s got great technique…!

However, I am (re-)learning the pitfalls of falling in love the second (third?) time around. After a major heartbreak and the end of a long relationship, I can’t help but have baggage with me. Some of the things that go through my mind:

• if I let myself go, and invest emotions into this, will my heart be broken again?;
• I notice things that he does and wonder if they mean the same things as in previous relationships;
• I project some of my insecurities on him and see if he responds in the “right” way (sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t).

I said I wouldn’t analyse this relationship, so I don’t. But these things do pop up in my head nevertheless…

We’re spending two weeks over Christmas and New Year’s together. That’s about two weeks of “close proximity” - it would either make or break us. But the experience itself can only be a good thing… at least I’ll know where we stand at the end of the holidays.

—

The last boyfriend and I finally reached closure yesterday afternoon. We had a deep and meaningful chat over MSN yesterday afternoon (ah… yes… relationships in the modern age!) and six months after we kind-of broke up, we’re well and truly over it.

Posted on December 20th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: love | No Comments »

I met someone in Sydney over the weekend. It was an unplanned, almost unexpected meet that resulted in a surprising outcome.

Sometimes you meet someone and for reasons beyond immediate explanation you know that the dynamics between the two of you just work. And sometimes, you decide, out of intuition, to take a big risk on someone and sense that the expected returns will be positive. And so I did… this weekend.

If I had a check-list of things I was looking for (and some of you would contend that I do), GJA meets about 90% to 95% of that list. I find him really attractive in so many ways. He’s a rather handsome man, I dare say sexy, we share similar values, we want similar things out of a relationship, we have similar understandings of the sort of relationshp we want, as far as I can tell we have common interests… from a “total package” perspective, he turns me on. BIG TIME!

Of course, he’s not without his faults and shortcomings but I think I would be deluding myself if I hope to never find faults in anyone I’ll ever meet. Friends say that I think and analyse too much. They say that I am intolerant of imperfections and that I am my own deathknell of relationships. I’ve decided, thus, to not analyse this one. I’m not going to think about it to the nth degree. For once, I say, let’s just go with the flow.

Ironically, this time it’s friends who are pointing out the pitfalls to me. When some of them heard that he’s a scorpio, the reaction was: “run as far and as fast as you can“!!! When you combine that with the fact that I am an Aries, the conclusion was “total disaster“! Two strong-headed individuals together are doomed to failure!

I’m not saying that I’m not aware of potential pitfalls but this one feels too right, and too good, to focus on the negatives. Let’s roll the dice and hope this one’s finally, finally *it*.

Posted on December 5th, 2006 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »