girlfriend: i wish i had ur brain
me: no you don’t - if you did, you’d be single and all alone
me: actually that’s funny - i wanted to trade with God the other day. some of my IQ for some love
me: what do you want my brain for anyway?
girlfriend: so that i can do smart things
me: like?
girlfriend: cure cancer, bring world peace
me: *groan*
me: you’re a mother and you’ve got a cute baby - be happy
me: i’d trade with you anyday
girlfriend: yeah, we’re all ungrateful for what we have
me: uh huh
girlfriend: but i’d trade in my mother in law anyday
me: thanks but you can keep her!

—

me: i don’t know why but this one hit me hard - i feel like i’m sort of back to that last big split but on a smaller scale
girlfriend: maybe u had high hopes for this one
girlfriend: maybe u should try celibacy for a while
me: celibacy in the gay world - that’s almost like blasphemy
girlfriend: yeah, but that’s what girls do to empower themselves
girlfriend: esp if there’s been a spate of bad relationships
girlfriend: friend first, lovers later
me: how does that logic work???
girlfriend: when u have sex  w someone, the body chemistry, at least for women tells her that this is the one bla bla bla
girlfriend: esp if the sex has been good
girlfriend: so then it tells her brain to overlook little niggly things like chauvinistic/narcissistic tendencies that would have otherwise triggered alarm bells if not for those damn hormones
girlfriend: sooooo..
girlfriend: feminists everywhere are telling our sisters to wait. 
girlfriend: get to know the guy, sans sex
me: so basically you split guys into two camps - one that you just have sex with and dont even ask their first names, let alone last, and then you have another camp - those you date but don’t have sex with until the time is right. no need for celibacy!

—

girlfriend II: so really what you’re trying to achieve is emotional celibacy?
me: how dd you conclude that?
girlfriend II: well you still want shagging but you’re holding out your emotional attachments until the right one comes along
girlfriend II: emotional celibacy
girlfriend II: which, i must say, is quite Samantha (of sex and the city)

—

I wouldn’t mind a shag with a super hot guy right now - one who knows what he’s doing as long as he doesn’t leave any cooties, hair, underwear or name behind. I wouldn’t mind cum…

Posted on January 11th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 5 Comments »

I’m angry. And I’m frustrated.

I’m angry at him because he initially painted this beautiful picture and consequently made me fall in love with him only to effectively roll everything back two weeks later.

I’m angry at myself for allowing myself to be carried away so easily by his words - I should have been more cautious.

I’m angry at him for effectively treating my heart so recklessly in the short time that he’s known me.

I’m angry that I allowed myself to be treated like that.

I’m angry that just when I was prepared to put up with someone else’s “shit”, more than I normally would, he decides that I have more than he can take.

I resent him for not trying hard enough, in fact, almost not trying at all.

I’m frustrated that it’s all so difficult.
It’s so difficult to meet someone you like.
It’s so difficult to meet someone you are attracted to.
It’s so difficult to find someone you can live with.
It’s so difficult to find someone you want to build a life with.
I’m frustrated that it’s almost impossible to meet someone that meet all the above criteria.
And I’m frustrated that when all this comes together, there is a whole different set of traps and landmines that you have to navigate before you even get onto the trajectory of a proper relationship, let alone a healthy one.
I hate how it’s all so hard.

I hate how while (potential) love can give you the highest high, it also delivers the lowest low.

I’m angry that I hurt again.

I hate how life is always so messy.

—

With the benefit of hindsight, I can definitely conclude that it’s wrong what they say. It’s not better to have loved and lost. It’s better to never have loved at all. Of course, it’s best to have loved and never lost.

—

I really should stop blogging for a while because whatever I say now is only going to be said out of anger, hurt, pain and probably confusion. And it’s all going to be bad stuff anyway…

Posted on January 9th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 3 Comments »

At approximately 1908H on Monday evening (08 January), he called me and we’ve finally officially ended it, citing irreconcilable differences. I still can’t help but feel it’s a loss but yes… rationally, it’s all for the best, for both him and I. 

— 

i feel bottled up.
my stomach is in a knot.
a very tight knot.
my chest is heaving.
my eyes are bloated.
i know
soon
i will no longer be able to dam
this river of tears.

i’m listening to a playlist of
sad depressing break-up songs
“I can’t make you love me”
“Tell me on a Sunday”
“Don’t cry out loud”
“Beautiful disaster”
“Tonight I wanna cry“

this feels familiar.
how did i find myself
back
at this place
again
and again
and
again.

—

I’ve decided that until I submit the thesis, I’m not going to date or enter into another relationship, willingly or unwittingly – I can’t afford another of these “coming out” of one in this critical period of the PhD… wish me luck.

Posted on January 8th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »

Why do we, or rather I, hang on…?

Why when all rational thought points to a clear answer, do we not follow it and instead cling onto remnants of what might have been had things gone right?

Is it because we have already invested so much energy and emotion into it that we try and salvage what we can? Is it because we know how illusive it is to make a connection in this world that when we do, we try and try to make the most of it? Is it because the idea of failure is so distasteful? Is it because we fear the alternative - being single again? Is it because we are stupid and don’t know any better? Is it because we think it will get better? Or is it because we hope it will get better?

Hope. Hope for things to be better. That’s why I hang on.

—

He was on the verge of throwing in the towel last night.

At about 11pm, it looked as if it was finally happening. We were finally breaking up. On MSN no less…! Ah… love in the modern age.

But we kept talking, or chatting as was the case. And I think he pulled himself back from the brink. I think he’s now back on the fence again. I think… because I don’t know for sure… What I do know is that if he’s wavering, it’s because he too hopes, hopes for things to be better. That’s why I think he hangs on…

Posted on January 8th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: love | 3 Comments »

What do you want? A problem you can solve or a situation you can resent? I thought so. You are that type of a person. But now, let me ask you another question. What about another individual? Someone who is quite close to you, in some respects at least. What do they want? And do they know what they want - or do they want one thing, whilst secretly wanting another? Facts need to be faced this weekend. Honest conversations need to be held. Then, all will be fine.
- Cainer, for Aries 

—

GJA: you know what happened on Tuesday nite
me: yes
GJA: you know how I feel bout it
me: yes
GJA: so I am still thinking
me: where are you in your thoughts about us right now?
GJA: still thinking,
GJA: and
GJA: well
GJA: as we r not on the same level
GJA: its hard for me to work with that
me: so what are you saying?
GJA: just that we r not on the same level
GJA: you know how I work
GJA: I pt my b/f first
me: so do i G
me: so where are you with this? 60/40? 80/20? or would you rather we just break up now?
GJA: for now
GJA: I am 60/40 that this will not work for me
me: but you don’t want to break up??
GJA: to be honest
GJA: its not looking good for us, you are very sweet guy, but this will always come up
me: so what you’re saying is….
GJA: just that it is not looking that great
me: alright. but i don’t think you’re coming clean
GJA: what do you want me to say
me: that you love me and love will conquer all?!?!!! no seriously, you say what you’ve just said but then you hold back about breaking up, or at least you’re not being explicit
GJA: you know how I feel bout this, I dont want to always have this stuff in my r/ship
me: neither do i G - but my take on this is: it’s still early days and i’m still learning about you. also we’re both mature adults and I would have thought we would be able to work things through, however, i respect you may not share this opinion but then you don’t seem to want to break up either, nor are you saying you want to try and see how much further this will go. so frankly i’m confused
GJA: well the best I can say for now, is that we have some time out. I need to think on this a lot more
me: ok
GJA: sorry but maybe best for now
me: on a happier note, apparently the planets will shift towards the end of next week and better days are ahead for me, or so claim the astrologers
GJA: meaning what??
me: i’m not sure. but Cainer.com has been saying that a tense and stressful period will end soon for me - he couldn’t have been more right!
GJA: i c
GJA: so what r u saying now
me: nothing. i’m just being flippant
GJA: i c
me: of course, he said that i would get a sexy text message on thursday but that didn’t happen at all! GJA: so not sure what else I can say for now
me: neither do i G
GJA: its no use for me to say that things r ok when ther r not, but then I think you know that anyway?
me: yes but then as you know, i think you’re again making an issue out of something that hasn’t yet happened, and from my point of view, it wouldn’t happen
GJA: mmmmmm
GJA: I think for now this it best for both of us but you my not think so
me: what is best for both of us?
GJA: not sure
me: do you want to go and meet other guys?
GJA: maybe, not sure
GJA: ??????
me: this is such a different answer than the one you would have given me two weeks ago, but maybe you are beginning to understand the dating game in Australia
GJA: maybe,
me: i can’t say i’m not disappointed
GJA: I know u r
GJA: I did not say that I am going to date other guys
GJA: its in my mind
me: that’s bad enough
GJA: yes I know
GJA: sorry
GJA: let me work thru this on my own
GJA: and in my own way please
me: of course - i’ll leave you alone. you know how to get in touch with me
GJA: true
GJA: and I have just turned into a dog
GJA: hehe
GJA: but hes a cute dog
me: a bitch even
GJA: you could say that
GJA: but this dog does not have a pussy
me: no. he’s just lost
GJA: yes thats true
GJA: I am
me: he wants to be led by a leash but he’s afraid of where that might take him
GJA: yes u maybe r right
GJA: who knows
GJA: ok I am off to get ready
me: alright
GJA: will chat at some stage
me: hmmm
GJA: cya

—

Two wrongs do not make a right. That, I predict, is going to be the theme of the year for many people. It is certainly very relevant in your life at the moment. And, given the nature of the issue that you are dealing with, it may well prove a maxim that echoes on through the months to come. You have to be big. You have to let go. You have to rise above doubt, fear, anger, resentment and negativity in general. That is not going to prove easy, but it will be immensely rewarding.
- Cainer, for Scorpio (GJA)

Posted on January 6th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »