I was eyeing myself yesterday in the mirror, as I do these days. Physically, I have never looked better on a birthday. I put on about 9 kgs in the last year - all in muscles, mostly in the upper torso. I look good.

I have learned in the past year that no matter how “great” a catch I may be, if a guy’s not prepared to do what it takes to not just lure me in but also keep me, there really is no point in my being a “great catch”. I might as well be just like any other fish in the great big pond of life…

Love is really such a gamble - you place your bets and you really don’t know how it’s going to turn out but you hope that where you lay your bet will ultimately prove to a good one but there’s no way of knowing until you get there and by the time you do get there, it may be too late to place any other bets… and that’s provided you haven’t been so royally fucked over by your first bet that you refuse to gamble again!

I’m seeing someone again. In fact, I’ve been seeing him for nine weeks now. We’re taking things slowly (very slowly if you compare it to my “normal” pace). We very rarely have deep discussions about us, or the “relationship” - which is amazing, given that this is *me* we’re talking about - and I think in many ways that has been a good thing. It has allowed the relationship to grow without the pressures of compressed expectations and overt analysis. It has allowed us to breath…

I don’t really want to talk about my life right now as it is far too depressing to verbalise, let alone put down in writing. While the “thing” with this guy is positive - to be honest, it’s the only bright spot in my life right now and even so, it’s light that shines through very diffracted lens - I don’t want to jinx it by talking… so really… that leaves me with nothing to talk about unless you really want to hear about the weather and the things I do to take me away from the real world and my real life and all its attending issues, worries and problems.

I have been doing 5-hour marathons of Grey’s Anatomy for the past 5 nights - I’ve finally caught up with the latest episode screened in the US. My body clock is all screwed up. But what’s probably more screwed is that I identify with Meredith Grey in this series and Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City - both neurotic individuals with fucked up lifes - how screwed is that?!?

I seriously contemplated staying in bed until 4pm today, is that bad…?!?

So yay. Happy Birthday to me…

Posted on March 28th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 6 Comments »

My life is a farce right now… let us count the ways

• I’m turning 35 in a week and I have less than AUD200 to my name to last me 3 more weeks. So I can’t afford to celebrate my birthday…;
• just when I’ve gone monogamous for close to 7 weeks, I’ve contract an STD - pubic lice (that’s a story for another time) - and I spent a whole weekend helping the guy who gave them to me get rid of his case of lice whilst being thoroughly understanding and sympathetic despite wanting to choke his neck for not talking about things;
• my PhD research project is progressing slowly, this after having been restructured in a major way (after 2 years into the programme) while having only at most 2 more years to complete the PhD - I have for, the first time, serious concerns about actually completing it altogether;
• after two years of being here, I am beginning to detest living in Canberra but I have to be here until I finish the bloody PhD that I’m no longer sure I will complete;
• and even if I did complete the PhD, I’m looking at prospects in the academic job market which will pay me less than non-academic jobs that I can get in the market now;
• I’m going into major debt and paying AUD20K a year in tuition fees for err… remind me exactly why i’m paying AUD20K a year to the ANU…?!?;
• … and to think I actually chose to give up a job, that while not terribly interesting was actually stress-free and did pay me a rather cushy income, to come to canberra for this PhD on my own free will?!?

Now…. if that’s not farcical, tell me what is…?!?

Is it any wonder that I need to distract myself with superficial consumption such as a brand new PSP?!? It’s the only way to keep going… Given my state of affairs right now, spending that bit more isn’t really going to make any major difference… in any case, logic and rational no longer applies when life tips over into the farcial-zone…

It’s cold and grey here today… how a propos to my mood… sometimes you not only have to laugh, but you also have to cry…

Posted on March 19th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 7 Comments »

I’ve just started my eleventh - 11th !! - year as a full-time tertiary student. While I enjoy the flexible hours, the variable and sometimes lower work load, the (in my view) relatively more enjoyable and interesting sort of work and the other intangible benefits that come with being a student, the one thing that I do really, really, really miss is a stable and relatively decent income. I’ve just had a look at my bank account and I think I’m finally, after two years of being in Canberra, scraping the bottom of the barrel. It’s not a happy place to be in….

That said, it’s situations like these that make you start fantasising about stuff you would buy if you had the money (if nothing else, it takes my mind off the money worries, albeit only very temporarily). So here’s my current list:

* a Playstation Portable (PSP) - so that I can play games and watch movies on those long bus journeys between Canberra and Sydney;
* a new portable HDD (with minimum 160 HDD) for my ever growing music collection (it now stands at 24625 songs, taking up 147.48GB of space and would require 68.8 days of continuous play to listen to it all… and that does not include another 10GBs, and counting, that just wouldn’t fit at the moment); and
* the Nokia N93i - my best mate, Matt, has just bought one and I hate him.

By the way… it’s my birthday in two weeks… if you’re feeling decidedly rich, I can give you my postal address for special deliveries and/or details of my bank account!

Posted on March 14th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life! | 2 Comments »

I hate how when you enter into a relationship, even a budding one, you invest the other with the power to hurt you, either conciously or unconsciously, actively or passively… you do.

I hate how no matter what you tell yourself you’d do, you would still have expectations of the other and as is frequently the case with expectations of other human beings, they are not always met (for whatever reason). So you end up being disappointed… and maybe even hurt.

I started “seeing” a “special someone” again recently… It’s been about seven weeks now. I told myself that I will take this one slow, that I will not analyse the dynamics of the relationship and that I will have no expectations of it - I told myself I will let nature take its course and just go with the flow…

Well… I was hoping he would spend this weekend with me, he even suggested a couple of days ago that he might, but as luck would have it, he isn’t. I knew that the chances of him doing so was low, in fact, I even told a friend that if I were the betting sort, I would bet against him showing up, but the fact of the matter is… who am I kidding? Despite what I tell myself and what my rational mind might argue or suggest, I do have expectations. I am disappointed… and a little hurt.

This is what happens when you open your heart, even a crack, and let someone in… you give them the power to hurt you even though they don’t know they’re doing it.

—

It is one thing to want something. It is another to not want something. When you strive too hard to prevent an event, you soon end up defensive and apprehensive. Are you making a positive statement now? Or is there a negative edge to your attitude? To what extent are you reacting to a set of silly circumstances? Are you sure that you are not just responding to an unreasonable fear? Where you detect doubt or fear in the back of your mind, make an effort to replace it with faith and trust.
- Cainer for Aries this weekend

Posted on March 10th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »

I am now on a most surreal diet.

While I used to take one protein shake daily except on days when I am training where I take two, I am now, on advice, beginning a new diet which consists of three shakes a day. They are not just ordinary protein shakes but they are supplemented with carbohydrate to help the bulking process. In addition, I’ve discovered the wonder of creatine, so that’s an another supplement that I take before going to the gym. And then because of all the gas that I get with the protein-supplements, I’ve now started taking bromelain which not only helps with the bloatedness but supposedly also the digestion and absorption of the protein - this, if you’re following, is a supplement for a supplement! How fucked is that…?!? All this in addition to the multi-vitamins that I already take on a daily basis. So as you can imagine… my diet consists of practically only supplements..

I am still taking 3 meals a day except that with all these shakes, I’m not as hungry at meal times as I would be, so my portions are becoming smaller. I’m also shifting to eating more vegetables and meat rather than carbs since that is already being taken care of by the supplements!

I really do have a surreal diet… It’s so 21st century…

—

It’s been one year since I started this whole gym business - I have just renewed my annual gym membership. Now that Mardi Gras is over, it’s time to get ready for next year’s…!

Posted on March 6th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life's gay!, blah blah | No Comments »