birthday ramble
I was eyeing myself yesterday in the mirror, as I do these days. Physically, I have never looked better on a birthday. I put on about 9 kgs in the last year - all in muscles, mostly in the upper torso. I look good.
I have learned in the past year that no matter how “great” a catch I may be, if a guy’s not prepared to do what it takes to not just lure me in but also keep me, there really is no point in my being a “great catch”. I might as well be just like any other fish in the great big pond of life…
Love is really such a gamble - you place your bets and you really don’t know how it’s going to turn out but you hope that where you lay your bet will ultimately prove to a good one but there’s no way of knowing until you get there and by the time you do get there, it may be too late to place any other bets… and that’s provided you haven’t been so royally fucked over by your first bet that you refuse to gamble again!
I’m seeing someone again. In fact, I’ve been seeing him for nine weeks now. We’re taking things slowly (very slowly if you compare it to my “normal” pace). We very rarely have deep discussions about us, or the “relationship” - which is amazing, given that this is *me* we’re talking about - and I think in many ways that has been a good thing. It has allowed the relationship to grow without the pressures of compressed expectations and overt analysis. It has allowed us to breath…
I don’t really want to talk about my life right now as it is far too depressing to verbalise, let alone put down in writing. While the “thing” with this guy is positive - to be honest, it’s the only bright spot in my life right now and even so, it’s light that shines through very diffracted lens - I don’t want to jinx it by talking… so really… that leaves me with nothing to talk about unless you really want to hear about the weather and the things I do to take me away from the real world and my real life and all its attending issues, worries and problems.
I have been doing 5-hour marathons of Grey’s Anatomy for the past 5 nights - I’ve finally caught up with the latest episode screened in the US. My body clock is all screwed up. But what’s probably more screwed is that I identify with Meredith Grey in this series and Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City - both neurotic individuals with fucked up lifes - how screwed is that?!?
I seriously contemplated staying in bed until 4pm today, is that bad…?!?
So yay. Happy Birthday to me…
Posted on March 28th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!
There comes a point when nothing can be said that has not already been said; when the only thing to do is sit there and understand and accept and listen, to what is said, what isn’t said, and what falls between the two.
Whilst you explicitly said you didn’t want it mentioned, this post gives me the opportunity to say happy birthday. Thank you for all the times you have listened and helped, when you have cared about the shit that happens in my life. It has made it all that much more bearable, to laugh at the fucking absurdity of it all.
As much as I like being in a relationship, I think I would be just as happy single (albeit for different reasons, seeing as I am a total slut at heart, but anyhoo).
I can, however, totally understand why you subject yourself to this gruelling process over and over again, so instead of patronising you, I shall simply send glittery good vibes, perfumed wishes of luck and keep my fingers crossed for you.
And oh, happy birthday, sistah.
PS I do Grey’s Anatomy marathons too! Neuroses and relationship disasters notwithstanding, that Meredith is one lucky bitch.
I mean, PATRICK DEMPSEY, for Chrissakes.
And on a lesser level, the less exciting but still handsome and temporarily out of the picture Chris O’Donnell.
Matt - *hugs*
Jay - I do see the many virtues of being single and I have enjoyed my run as a total whore-slut but in the long run… I think I will be happier having a partner and being in a relationship.
If you ever find a place where I can place an order, I want an order of McDreamy with a portion of McLife, sprinkled with McHappiness, McRainbows and McGood-sex all topped with McIllusion and McNever-Gonna-Happen with McBirds singing McHappy Songs…
As far as I am concerned, staying in bed til 4pm is a cry for help, assuming you are in bed alone and it doesn’t immediately follow a very good night out?!
I’m in the middle of this year’s LLGFF (http://www.llgff.org.uk/) and I have been to some excellent films and programmes so far, rich and diverse.
As you clearly recognise, how you look is important, up to a point and one of the short films “VGL-Hung” (http://www.llgff.org.uk/films_details.php?FilmID=106230) made this point very nicely!
Anyway, glad to hear you’re not allowing/forcing yourself to “overanalyse” what’s going on between you and him for the moment, long may you “enjoy the journey”!
…and just to amplify from me Matt’s point about the fact you care, it is appreciated!
Happy-birthday-plus-a-day!
Happy birthday doll. For SATC, I think I’m a cross between Carrie and Miranda. For GA, Meredith, Yang and Izzy. I’m not as fucked up as I used to be? I don’t know. Hope you’re well. And you have a good year!