“true” “love”
How does one know that “love” is “real”?
While it’s entirely possible that two people can care and even “love” each other, how do we know that these emotions are the result of “romantic attraction” and not the result of habituation and “socialisation”?
While what the other party says might tell us something, they are not definitive as it is not unheard of that people say things they don’t necessarily mean.
This leaves with us having to observe actions/behaviour. However, does this mean all behaviour or only some? Is there perhaps a distinction to be made between critical behaviour and more mundane less important acts? So for instance, it says something when someone is willing to change their jobs and relocate just to be with you but it really doesn’t say much that he doesn’t call you everyday?
In observing behaviour, are one-off actions important, or do they have to be repeated before they acquire any meaning? Thus, does the fact that he remembered an important occassion and took you out for a fancy dinner say more than the fact that he constantly expects you to let him do what he wants even if it’s not what you want?
How do we discern, from the diverse range of human behaviour that “love” is “true”?
Or do we, as a friend intimated, rely on “intuition” and “gut feel” instead of on “facts”? And if so, how certain can we be of the reliability of our “intuition”?
Posted on June 2nd, 2008 by jl
Filed under: love
Dunno. I’ve always found that question disquieting and somewhat irrelevant when you think about it.
I mean, you can never be sure; is your lover true? Are they “for real”? Could they be lying to you? Could they be lying to themselves? Would what seems so right today change to a fever-dream next week or a delusion next year?
So I don’t generally worry about it. Fuck being “truly” in love. Are they “true” or not? Who the fuck cares?
I ask myself instead: Do I want this or not? Am I willing to work on this or not? Am I willing to hurt for this or not? Am I willing to risk the pain or not?
So far the answer’s been yes. What happens when the answer becomes “no”? Dunno. Hasn’t happened yet. Will cross the bridge when I get to it.
…love is as real as you make it - if something important is real you don’t simply acknowledge its existence, you walk around it, gaze at it from different angles, prod it and peer down its throat, know and discuss its pimples and freckles, its creases, scars and wrinkles, its new shiny patches… but wait a minute! That thing you’re scrutinising - it shouldn’t be your partner. The thing you look at is part you, part other - it’s the “love” that accompanies a shared mode of existence you’re analysing, which means that there shouldn’t be just you doing the scrutininsing, but two….
My guess would be, if you find yourself in good scrutinising company (instead of just a lone scrutiniser studying another person), if you catch yourself in the company of someone who’s as curious and awed by the existence of “love” as you are (and is not simply content just to use its name), and who crouches down with you to look at its sometimes sordid underbelly - then that thing you’re both looking at, that inter-subjective thing, is “real”.
If you’re a lone scrutiniser - how about making a joint hobby out of it?
T-Boy: that’s such a “boy’s view” of things to let things be and go with the flow as long as you’re getting something out of it…!
apparentsexfiend: OMG! Did you have to be so post-modern, almost Habermasian ?!? You’ve definitely spent too much time in Germany!
Well, I don’t know about boy — in my experience, the ones who angst over definitional issues tend to be boys. Angst over whether one’s love is true, and whether it’s real, and what’s real anyway? Essence of Western philosophy, which was dominated by boys until quite recently.
Besides, I learned it from Hani.
Besides, I thought the “boy’s view” would be: “What you are feeling does not exist. Walk it out! Be tough! Stop being a wuss. What? Tears in my eyes? No! It’s… it’s just something got into it. That’s… that’s all. No! NO! F*** you! Come say that again, I’ll kick your ass.”
oh yeah… hani… she is a bit of a cold hearted bitch! your first response would sound like her!
I’ll proffer that whether “love” is “real” or not is just as your friend intimated, it is something to feel rather than know …that it is more emotional than logical.
The reliability to attach to such feelings is probably individual - in which case would be worth looking at what the track record of one’s intuition and gut feel has been?
I’m the first to admit I’m out-of-my-depth here though, probably cos it’s not logical enough?!
Appreciated the post and the comments.
Now, to establish how bad things really are - have you seen the Sex and the City film yet?
Sadly… given that this is Australia, the film doesn’t open in the cinemas to the general public until Thursday. Which is shite. But I have made plans to make a big evening out of it… I can’t wait!
Sorry to hear that Oz is “behind” in this regard but I’m heartened to hear your plans! Hope it doesn’t disappoint.
I haven’t seen it yet as the friends I want to watch it with have been away until now.
Mike: When are you watching it? I’m going tomorrow - one more day…. I can’t wait!!!
I really must write you a proper email soon. Apologies for the tardiness in replying and the absence but it has really been manic around here.
Probably watch it some time between now and beginning of next week. Main reason for waiting is Charles was away in HK, due back yesterday. I have just sent him a text to enquire if/when to go.
Thanks for apologising for not e-mailing but really there’s no need to - thanks to your blog I am well aware of the very good reasons!
My main question is if/when to next visit Oz? I suspect there are far too many uncertainties at your end to sensibly commit to anything at the moment… and that’s before factoring-in my present state of mind!
So, “no worries” as you (must surely by now often) say over there?!
Mike: sadly, my plans for Sex & the City have gone awry… I don’t know when I will be watching it but I hope sooner rather than later… I’ll get back to you by email this weekend.
Sorry to hear about the S&tC change of plan and the uncertainty. Might be seeing it Sunday eve myself.
If talking’s a preferable option for you then feel free to try me.