doing my head in
I feel as if I’m reaching a breaking point.
As Matt characterised the state of our beings, I am like an elastic band that has had all the stretch taken out of me.
The sheer repetitiveness and unending nature of this PhD exercise are killing me. There are very few intermediate goals with tangible results. Even the chapters that I write are but mere drafts. Nothing is complete, nothing is final, until the thesis is submitted - a point in time that would probably mark four years since I first began on this trajectory. That’s four years of this repetitive, somewhat monotonous, seemingly endless mental torture.
It’s partially the length of the requisite document that makes it oh so very hard… It’s one thing churning out 30,000 words for my masters thesis but 100,000 words for the PhD is so very much more… not only is there just more quantity involved but the depth and quality of the argument that is expected is also so much more. The bar is just so much higher at this level…
I wasn’t naive. I knew it was going to be hard… I just didn’t know it was going to be *this* hard.
Meanwhile, the boyfriend has gone away on a long, almost nine week holiday. He has been away for five weeks now. I miss him terribly, and it isn’t getting any easier with the passing of time. There’s a constant dull ache at the pit of my heart that pines for him, a yearning is most acute at the end of the day, as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take over me, with nothing left to distract my mind. I miss him ever so much and wished that he was closer…
It is all doing my head in right now.
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