It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. It’s been difficult, if not outright impossible, to do so. On the one hand, I’d like to say that there is so much going on in my life right now but in reality, there is really only one thing that has dominated my entire existence for the past few months and will continue to do so for months to come: the PhD thesis.

I’ve started writing the long anticipated document. I have about a fifth of the 100,000 words required. It’s been a slow slog getting here but at least, I think I am moving in the right direction. Writing is harder than I thought it would be. A lot of effort and reading goes into every word that is produced and just when you think you might finally have a grasp on things, you discover that there is yet more to do. There is always more and more you could, and need, to do… It’s exasperating. It’s sometimes demoralising. It’s always tiring.

Posted on May 21st, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Uncategorized, work | 5 Comments »

ask me not how i am
as you want not to really know

ask me not how i am
for i am not well

—

excerpts from emails I had recently sent…

On 14 March:

I went to bed at 4.30am after writing 800 words. That’s not so bad I suppose especially considering that I had 900 but decided to delete a paragraph as I thought it superfluous.

I think it says a lot about my state of mind, the state of my work, and the stage of my relationship that I’m actually delaying a trip to Sydney to squeeze in 3 hours worth of work…

I think I’ve all but pushed the emergency red button…

On 18 March:

I feel so uninspired.

I printed out the latest “version” of my theory paper and I can’t bear to look at it, mostly because I know what’s in it and it’s dire… there are quite a number of “gaps” in the paper that need to be addressed but there’s no way that I will be able to address them before this weekend as I had promised…

It’s depressing.

The work itself it not hard - it just takes time and effort, neither of which I have very much of right now.

I really should work…

On 25 March

I find that when I have my mind focussed on work, I am actually alright and quite “animated”. However, it is precisely trying to get to that stage that’s difficult and that causes me not a little anguish and pain. In fact, I’m despondent and depressed when I think about work and it’s very difficult getting over that threshold. Ironically once I am over it, I am sort of well… at least well enough to function at a steady pace…

The rain doesn’t look like it’s going to let up today. I’ve truly been in sync with the weather lately, or vice versa. I’ve really felt suicidal the last few days. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a slow but certain death, the journey to which is one of excruciating and laborious pain…

Posted on March 26th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

I haven’t been blogging… I haven’t much felt like it… I haven’t had anything I wanted to say… or rather, there have been things on my mind but I haven’t been able to find a way of articulating them in a sufficiently coherent manner so as to blog about them… The most I can manage is update my “status” (see the sidebar) regularly via Twitter.

That’s the state of my mind at the moment. And has been since I returned to Australia from fieldwork in mid-December 2007.

There are many things going on in my life right now and yet not very much. I’m busy with my research and the thesis. I spend most weekends with the boyfriend. And I’ve got a job this semester tutoring students in the Department’s Masters level programme. Life is full and yet monotonous. And yet… there is a palpable drama unfolding with each passing day that is not unlike the sentiments expressed here on Matt’s blog.

So… I haven’t been blogging. And I haven’t much felt like it.

Posted on March 10th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

It has been 74 days since I left Australia on this fieldtrip and I’m actually glad to be in my office in a Malaysian think-tank that’s kindly agreed to “host” my research visit in Kuala Lumpur. If nothing else, being in the office lends some structure to my last days in the field and it provides me with reliable internet access without having to sit in a cafe where going to the toilet becomes an issue when you’re sitting alone!

This weekend has been particularly bad.

Posted on December 10th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Fieldwork, Life! | 3 Comments »

15 days. That’s what my many countdown-timers on my Facebook profile and Google Homepage tell me is left to the time I have before leaving Australia for fieldwork.

15 days. It sounds so soon. It’s just a day over two weeks.

15 days.

It may not appear to be so on the surface but I’m seriously in a panic deep under.

Posted on September 5th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Fieldwork, Life!, love | 2 Comments »