At some point in the past, blog posts were generally thoughts and rants that were quickly spewed out of one’s mind as the ideas and points come to the fore. Some but not much thought were put into them and they weren’t necessarily taken very seriously. I’m sure I operated at such a level at some point in my blogging “career”, and I’m sure I occassionally still do.

However, somewhere along the way, for some bloggers, posts became well crafted writing that were meant to say something more meaningful and significant than would have been the case had they been merely rants. More thought was put into blogging and posts took just a bit longer to compose. I certainly went into this direction.

There’s something I’m dying to blog about at the moment but the time is not quite right. For one thing, I fear jinxing things. For another, I’m still waiting to see how things develop before writing something more “conclusive” about it. Nevertheless, I do still want to put a marker for what’s happening right now in my personal life, and perhaps share these developments with you, albeit indirectly and secretively.

Thus, suffice for now to say that this “story” involves:

• a man in Sydney;
• 4 weeks of acquaintance;
• a wonderful Fair Day weekend;
• a pleasant, convivial and memorable dinner (party) on Saturday;
• a date to remember (18 February); and
• a conversation in the Royal Botanic Gardens looking over Woolloomooloo Bay

Posted on February 20th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, blah blah, love | 1 Comment »

One week, two tank tops, two pairs of jeans, one pair of shorts and a CD organiser later…. I think I’m finally, finally over him.

—

I worked it out - it takes me approximately one week for every one month I go out with someone to get over him/it.

The thing is… there really is no way to avoid being hurt in a “romantic dalliance” unless you do not become emotionally involved. Once emotions are involved, it will hurt… at some point.

—

It is time to think again about who you truly are and what you really deserve. Rethink that… and others will rethink who you are in their eyes. … You need to be clear. … just work on being ready to move into a phase where there’s more joy, more communication and more magic. As long as you are ready to welcome it, it will make its way to you.

So says the Oracle.

—

One of the best ways to get over being spurned, is to go out, meet guys and find out how desirable you still are! Let them swoon over you and tell you that you have beautiful eyes, a cute butt, a dazzling smile and most importantly that you are so sexy, they want to fuck you right there and then.

I’m off to Sydney on Thursday arvo for an extended weekend… It promises to be a great hot and sunny summer weekend for lots of outdoor activities and very little clothing!

Posted on January 18th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | No Comments »

girlfriend: i wish i had ur brain
me: no you don’t - if you did, you’d be single and all alone
me: actually that’s funny - i wanted to trade with God the other day. some of my IQ for some love
me: what do you want my brain for anyway?
girlfriend: so that i can do smart things
me: like?
girlfriend: cure cancer, bring world peace
me: *groan*
me: you’re a mother and you’ve got a cute baby - be happy
me: i’d trade with you anyday
girlfriend: yeah, we’re all ungrateful for what we have
me: uh huh
girlfriend: but i’d trade in my mother in law anyday
me: thanks but you can keep her!

—

me: i don’t know why but this one hit me hard - i feel like i’m sort of back to that last big split but on a smaller scale
girlfriend: maybe u had high hopes for this one
girlfriend: maybe u should try celibacy for a while
me: celibacy in the gay world - that’s almost like blasphemy
girlfriend: yeah, but that’s what girls do to empower themselves
girlfriend: esp if there’s been a spate of bad relationships
girlfriend: friend first, lovers later
me: how does that logic work???
girlfriend: when u have sex  w someone, the body chemistry, at least for women tells her that this is the one bla bla bla
girlfriend: esp if the sex has been good
girlfriend: so then it tells her brain to overlook little niggly things like chauvinistic/narcissistic tendencies that would have otherwise triggered alarm bells if not for those damn hormones
girlfriend: sooooo..
girlfriend: feminists everywhere are telling our sisters to wait. 
girlfriend: get to know the guy, sans sex
me: so basically you split guys into two camps - one that you just have sex with and dont even ask their first names, let alone last, and then you have another camp - those you date but don’t have sex with until the time is right. no need for celibacy!

—

girlfriend II: so really what you’re trying to achieve is emotional celibacy?
me: how dd you conclude that?
girlfriend II: well you still want shagging but you’re holding out your emotional attachments until the right one comes along
girlfriend II: emotional celibacy
girlfriend II: which, i must say, is quite Samantha (of sex and the city)

—

I wouldn’t mind a shag with a super hot guy right now - one who knows what he’s doing as long as he doesn’t leave any cooties, hair, underwear or name behind. I wouldn’t mind cum…

Posted on January 11th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 5 Comments »

I’m angry. And I’m frustrated.

I’m angry at him because he initially painted this beautiful picture and consequently made me fall in love with him only to effectively roll everything back two weeks later.

I’m angry at myself for allowing myself to be carried away so easily by his words - I should have been more cautious.

I’m angry at him for effectively treating my heart so recklessly in the short time that he’s known me.

I’m angry that I allowed myself to be treated like that.

I’m angry that just when I was prepared to put up with someone else’s “shit”, more than I normally would, he decides that I have more than he can take.

I resent him for not trying hard enough, in fact, almost not trying at all.

I’m frustrated that it’s all so difficult.
It’s so difficult to meet someone you like.
It’s so difficult to meet someone you are attracted to.
It’s so difficult to find someone you can live with.
It’s so difficult to find someone you want to build a life with.
I’m frustrated that it’s almost impossible to meet someone that meet all the above criteria.
And I’m frustrated that when all this comes together, there is a whole different set of traps and landmines that you have to navigate before you even get onto the trajectory of a proper relationship, let alone a healthy one.
I hate how it’s all so hard.

I hate how while (potential) love can give you the highest high, it also delivers the lowest low.

I’m angry that I hurt again.

I hate how life is always so messy.

—

With the benefit of hindsight, I can definitely conclude that it’s wrong what they say. It’s not better to have loved and lost. It’s better to never have loved at all. Of course, it’s best to have loved and never lost.

—

I really should stop blogging for a while because whatever I say now is only going to be said out of anger, hurt, pain and probably confusion. And it’s all going to be bad stuff anyway…

Posted on January 9th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, love | 3 Comments »

At approximately 1908H on Monday evening (08 January), he called me and we’ve finally officially ended it, citing irreconcilable differences. I still can’t help but feel it’s a loss but yes… rationally, it’s all for the best, for both him and I. 

— 

i feel bottled up.
my stomach is in a knot.
a very tight knot.
my chest is heaving.
my eyes are bloated.
i know
soon
i will no longer be able to dam
this river of tears.

i’m listening to a playlist of
sad depressing break-up songs
“I can’t make you love me”
“Tell me on a Sunday”
“Don’t cry out loud”
“Beautiful disaster”
“Tonight I wanna cry“

this feels familiar.
how did i find myself
back
at this place
again
and again
and
again.

—

I’ve decided that until I submit the thesis, I’m not going to date or enter into another relationship, willingly or unwittingly – I can’t afford another of these “coming out” of one in this critical period of the PhD… wish me luck.

Posted on January 8th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: love | 1 Comment »