It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. It’s been difficult, if not outright impossible, to do so. On the one hand, I’d like to say that there is so much going on in my life right now but in reality, there is really only one thing that has dominated my entire existence for the past few months and will continue to do so for months to come: the PhD thesis.

I’ve started writing the long anticipated document. I have about a fifth of the 100,000 words required. It’s been a slow slog getting here but at least, I think I am moving in the right direction. Writing is harder than I thought it would be. A lot of effort and reading goes into every word that is produced and just when you think you might finally have a grasp on things, you discover that there is yet more to do. There is always more and more you could, and need, to do… It’s exasperating. It’s sometimes demoralising. It’s always tiring.

Posted on May 21st, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Uncategorized, work | 5 Comments »

ask me not how i am
as you want not to really know

ask me not how i am
for i am not well

—

excerpts from emails I had recently sent…

On 14 March:

I went to bed at 4.30am after writing 800 words. That’s not so bad I suppose especially considering that I had 900 but decided to delete a paragraph as I thought it superfluous.

I think it says a lot about my state of mind, the state of my work, and the stage of my relationship that I’m actually delaying a trip to Sydney to squeeze in 3 hours worth of work…

I think I’ve all but pushed the emergency red button…

On 18 March:

I feel so uninspired.

I printed out the latest “version” of my theory paper and I can’t bear to look at it, mostly because I know what’s in it and it’s dire… there are quite a number of “gaps” in the paper that need to be addressed but there’s no way that I will be able to address them before this weekend as I had promised…

It’s depressing.

The work itself it not hard - it just takes time and effort, neither of which I have very much of right now.

I really should work…

On 25 March

I find that when I have my mind focussed on work, I am actually alright and quite “animated”. However, it is precisely trying to get to that stage that’s difficult and that causes me not a little anguish and pain. In fact, I’m despondent and depressed when I think about work and it’s very difficult getting over that threshold. Ironically once I am over it, I am sort of well… at least well enough to function at a steady pace…

The rain doesn’t look like it’s going to let up today. I’ve truly been in sync with the weather lately, or vice versa. I’ve really felt suicidal the last few days. I feel like I’ve been sentenced to a slow but certain death, the journey to which is one of excruciating and laborious pain…

Posted on March 26th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

I haven’t been blogging… I haven’t much felt like it… I haven’t had anything I wanted to say… or rather, there have been things on my mind but I haven’t been able to find a way of articulating them in a sufficiently coherent manner so as to blog about them… The most I can manage is update my “status” (see the sidebar) regularly via Twitter.

That’s the state of my mind at the moment. And has been since I returned to Australia from fieldwork in mid-December 2007.

There are many things going on in my life right now and yet not very much. I’m busy with my research and the thesis. I spend most weekends with the boyfriend. And I’ve got a job this semester tutoring students in the Department’s Masters level programme. Life is full and yet monotonous. And yet… there is a palpable drama unfolding with each passing day that is not unlike the sentiments expressed here on Matt’s blog.

So… I haven’t been blogging. And I haven’t much felt like it.

Posted on March 10th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

Spring has arrived in Canberra. For the first time in months, the mercury went above 20C today. In fact it went up as high as 21.3C at 1500H according to the Australian Government’s Bureau of Meteorology.

For the first time in weeks, I did an honest day’s work. It’s still not as much as I would like to have seen myself doing but at least it was a fair effort today, though frankly, I’m getting a little tired of reading about the political economy of Korea (which I’ve been doing for the past four weeks)… in fact, I dare say, I’m getting a little tired of reading about my topic in general. After about two years of working on this research project, it has become far too familiar and somewhat repetitive. Alas, it’s a bed I’ve made for myself and I’ve got to lie in it.

Today, or last night to be more precise, also brought with it an interesting new twist. The guy I’ve been dating up in Sydney, let’s call him… err… MJT (!), got around to creating his profile on Facebook and in the process we’ve linked our profiles together as being “in a relationship” !!! I’m not sure what this means exactly… though I’m sure it means something… but consistent with the approach I’ve taken so far in this relationship, I’m not going to analyse it!

Today would also have brought one other new development in my life, or rather new object, or to be more specific, gadget. For many reasons, some quite immediate, I needed a new mobile and I bought a Nokia E61i over the internet a few days ago. It would have been delivered today if not for my own silliness in having it sent to a less than ideal location. I suspect, or hope rather, it will be delivered tomorrow. In the meantime, I did get work done today instead of being yet again distracted, so all’s well…

Posted on August 27th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, Tech, work | 1 Comment »

How is it that I can spend half a day spring-cleaning my server space and changing the look of my website but somehow not find the energy nor the inspiration to actually blog or write personal emails to friends?

I wished I could say that I’ve been caught up with work, i.e. this PhD lark, but try as I might, while some work is done, it’s hardly enough to commensurate with the amount of time that has gone by. I wished I could say that I’ve been busy with other important and urgent matter but fact is… no. While you might say that I’ve just been caught up with life and all that springs forth, in many ways that’s really just a poor excuse for not being more organised and preoccupied with things that should take greater priority. Ultimately, that really is it… I’ve just been spending a lot of time on things that are not that important in the grand scheme of things right now. In fact, I dare say, I’ve been spending (wasting?) a lot of time on utterly frivolous and pointless endeavours: mindless internet surfing, pointless research shopping, online chatting, Facebooking… the list goes on…

But I shouldn’t bore you with that. I should return to the point of this blog-post: to provide you with a brief update on my life and current activities.

Posted on August 26th, 2007 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »