today would have marked the beginning of our ninth year together.

Posted on October 12th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | No Comments »

It’s been a month since I moved out of the place formerly known as “home”. While I haven’t really given this passing much thought, it has dawned on me how I have slowly become accustomed to a whole new routine and environment. The “milestone” of which I was most conscious was when I bought an LRT monthly pass for October: it meant I was going to use it. For the rest of the month. And that represented a finality of sorts.

Aside from that one moment of pained reflection, I really haven’t given my “situation” much thought. I’ve learned to empty out my mind and to avoid thinking altogether if I can help it. I practically live in a zombie-d state of mind, flitting from one thing to another, filling my days. Physically, I think my body will give up on me soon. But I dare not slow down. I dare not find out what will happen when I stop “doing things”, find myself “stuck” with time on my hands and actually having to “think”…

But I do feel better, lighter, and in a way, but only in a certain way, more relaxed. A burden of sorts has been lifted, if only to be replaced by a different type. I’m trying to get back into the swing of life: going out with friends, meeting people, having a laugh, blogging…

But it’s hard putting yourself back out “there”. Everyday is a challenge. There’s always a new obstacle to overcome, consciously or otherwise. And I’m still living in a twilight zone: I’m awaiting developments in another area of my life - until this comes to pass, I can’t really move on properly. Meanwhile those happy pills keep me company.

However, I have made progress. Somewhere along the way, I stopped checking his horoscope. I stopped thinking about him on a daily basis, though he occassionally stills pops up in my mind. For the moment, I refuse to give in to sentimentality. Memories come and go, but I refuse to acknowledge them. I know the pain still lurks somewhere underneath the surface - the time will come to really grieve. Just not now.

So for the moment, I’m pretty much stuck in a world of my own, looking for a way out. I know I will find it one day. Meanwhile, thank God for the internet.

p/s I finally met a certain male blogger yesterday evening - and I think he’s hot!

Posted on October 4th, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 7 Comments »

People I know who have broken up with their loved ones tend to play the zoning game. They would avoid certain places that hold special meaning, or places that they used to go to regularly, or areas where the “other party” hangs out, or for any other number of reasons. I know someone who avoids TGiF in Section 14, someone who stays clear of Great Eastern Mall, someone who at one time freaked out about hanging around KLCC and someone who refuses to go bowling in Bangsar Shopping Centre.

While I understand their arguments and would bear with their quirky “rules”, I’ve always personally thought such behaviour ridiculous and untenable in the long run. I still do. It’s not that I don’t understand how it can feel when you go to a certain place and a certain unwelcome, melancholic, deja-vu feeling suddenly pops up. It’s just that somehow life has to go on and this zoning game doesn’t really help. More importantly for me, when you’ve been in a relationship for eight years, you’ve gone to just about everywhere together. It’s quite impossible to zone out no-go areas. If I were to play this game, it would mean:

• not having breakfast in about half a dozen places in Petaling Jaya
• not having beef noodles in Petaling Street and longan drink at a different stall after
• avoiding just about every Japanese restaurant in the Klang Valley
• not going to the Sunday night markets in Bangsar and Taman Tun
• avoiding 1Utama, Centrepoint, Atria, Bangsar Shopping Centre and a whole swath of Petaling Jaya
• never counting down the New Year in KL
• never staying at the Legend or the Regent hotels in Kuala Lumpur
• never going to the Andaman in Langkawi or any of the resorts in Penang
• never visiting the Netherlands, Bruges, Rome, Florence or Venice again
• never spending Christmas in Leiden or New Year’s eve in Brussels
• not returning to Egypt
• never stepping into New York city ever again
• never arguing in KLCC

And above all, I’ll need to avoid the place formerly known as home.

Posted on October 3rd, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 3 Comments »

…one day, something clicks, and everything is alright. the clouds may not have lifted, but at least it has stopped raining. the stresses of the past weeks disappear and you know you will be fine. you start to think about tomorrow again. and things are as they should be.

Posted on September 23rd, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 5 Comments »

Today, I take the first step on a journey from which I am not sure I will return.

Today, regardless of where this journey takes me, a new chapter begins in my life.

Goodbye double-storey brick house.
Goodbye squeaky fourth-step on staircase.
Goodbye back door that we rarely open.

Goodbye feature walls that have had to be painted several times over.
Goodbye bath-tub that we got for a bargain in a shop nearby.
Goodbye sideboard that took me ages to find.

Goodbye white breakfast counter.
Goodbye cranky front gates
Goodbye Rothkos, Boteros and Monets.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

I don’t want to go. But I’ve not been given a choice.

So, goodbye.
Be well.

Watch over him for me.

No matter how high I climb,
how far I travel,
or how wide an ocean I cross,
he will remain ingrained my bones,
inflamed in my nerves,
and forever etched in my heart.

Watch over him for me.

Posted on September 2nd, 2004 by jl
Filed under: The other half | 6 Comments »